Story: Security Breach.

I've had a go at the monthly theme, and here it is. At least it got those little grey cells working!

Security Breach

One word will do the job Tallyman

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Brilliant!

I loved it!

Now that’s how to write a short story with a twist at the end!

This is a very nicely constructed story; the early subtle hints were integrated into the story seamlessly and only became totally visible when the reader gets to the end of the story.

I thought this line

‘even in the shadowy world of our security service, there are choices’

Was a little too wordy, even for Jake’s intelligent sarcasm, perhaps ‘In the shadowy world that we operate in, there are choices’ may have been better, but this is a very minor point of style.

A really good little tale, the dialogue was quite believable too, what would have made it perfect is if you’d got one of the characters to say ‘Me? How?’ ...On the other hand, perhaps not

Very good. I enjoyed it.

Thank you, I'm really heartened by your responses!

This is the first monthly challenge that I've attempted, but it's been extraordinary - I had the germ of an idea, but it took several days to write, often just a sentence at a time. Ordinarily, I'd have given up half way through and pronounced the whole thing too difficult, but the tale occupied my waking thoughts and practically forced me to finish it. I think having a deadline helped a great deal

Nice one Tallyman.

Well wrote and a nice twist.

We have some serious competition here folks.

Nice one Tallyman.

Well wrote and a nice twist.

We have some serious competition here folks.

Yes, Tallyman is very good.

[Folks, if you haven't read it yet, don't read this!]

Nice one Tallyman.

Having read that there was a twist I did guess what it might be at the "furry rodent" stage. Had I not known that I might have pictured something more sinister with J-Jake being reminiscent of Vinny Jones in "Lock, Stock..." or Samuel L Jackson in "Pulp Fiction".

On the down side, you have not left much room for improvement. You will see later in the week that this is a trap I have not fallen into!

Yes I am very impressed I loved it too. Even at the end I didn't get it, it was so skillfuly written well done. Just one thing that stuck a little with me (probably my thickness again), the line 'George looked uncertain. Bless him.' didnt seem to fit either before or after I got the picture, but it was a great read.

Yes I am very impressed I loved it too. Even at the end I didn't get it, it was so skillfuly written well done. Just one thing that stuck a little with me (probably my thickness again), the line 'George looked uncertain. Bless him.' didnt seem to fit either before or after I got the picture, but it was a great read.

Glad you liked it, Scotty, and thanks for the feedback.

Yes, I think the 'Bless him' was a moment of weakness, and I'm not sure it should have stayed in.

The hierarchy I had in mind was that Jake was pretty much in charge, Tom was a gruff operative with a lot of time served but not with the authority to command, and George was the bottom of the pile, moderately successful at following orders, and with a good heart, but mostly bumbly. With that in mind, Jake was trying to express a kind of avuncular concern, aware that George tries to do his best but often falls short. Bless him. Oops, I've done it again