Story: The Persistence of Memory.

This is my story based upon this month’s unreliable narrator theme.

Reading guidelines: I recommend the following equipment to get the most out of this story.

(1) A comfy chair.

(2) A large mug of tea or coffee.

(3) Three digestive biscuits.

(4) If your name is Coyleys, substitute (2) and (3) with a single malt whisky.

As usual all feedback and comments are most welcome.

The plot is convoluted but I’m hoping there are enough clues to stop you getting lost.

No giraffes were harmed in the production of this story.

To shortcut some technical problems I've split the story into four parts, I recommend you read them in sequence, if you don't, well, you'll probably kick yourself…

The Persistence of Memory

Part 1

Part 2

PICTURE

Part 3

SPOILER WARNING: PLEASE READ THE STORY FIRST!

Mantaspook - what can I say?

How about: Intriguing, complex, entertaining, thought-provoking and very enjoyable

I have to confess, I substituted the tea & biscuits for a glass of red wine. Actually, it was probably two glasses by the time I'd read your story several times!

My impression was that you've deliberately left questions unanswered at the end and, because of that, the story has persisted in my memory even longer. For days, I've been wondering Is he or isn't he? and concluded that - for me - the answer would seem to be a bit of both. Perhaps other readers will have reached different conclusions, and that makes the story stronger in my opinion. I think it's the sort of story you could spend a pleasant hour or two analysing with fellow readers over a few beers!

Your story was very smooth to read, too, but there were just a couple of bumps that I tripped over, which I thought worth mentioning:

I think you had a change of heart over the wife's name - was she originally Gabby? She appears in Chapter 2 with both names! Also - and I'm probably being very thick about this - but she starts with 2 boys and one on the way yet ends up with a teenage daughter. (Or is indicative of the amount of time he has spent in hospital? If so, perhaps Abbey might have been better known by Carol? If there are time shifts for other reasons, I'm lost!)

Back to safer ground now:

You (the narrator) have clearly worked with Major Sharpe for a while, and know him well, so it's strange that he waits until now to mention there was no need to salute, or call him 'Sir'. Perhaps the addition of "How many times have I told you not to keep saluting me in private?" The bond between them might be further strengthened if you were to say something like "Sorry, Dave, you know I only do it to wind you up."

In first mentioning the Butterfly bombs, your phrase is "...the reasoning behind this is to trick...". It felt a little juddery - perhaps something a little more fluid: "...they’ve been codenamed “butterfly bomb mark 3s” in an attempt to trick the public into thinking they are something left over from World War 2."

On this same topic, it wasn't clear until later why calling them 'butterfly bomb mark 3s' was going to fool the public. I confess to not immediately recognising the name, so perhaps some subtle additional information might have helped?

When we first meet Carol, she is late for a meeting, only to be waylaid by Abbey, delaying her further. After speaking to Abbey, she seems to go directly to the canteen to make a drink. Did she miss the meeting?! Perhaps a mention about it being too late to go, or a few words making it clear that she goes to the canteen after the meeting?

Finally, there are a couple of questions about character and motivation. I struggle myself with both of these, and I'm constantly asking myself whether a character's personality trait is relevant to my story, or why would a character behave in a particular way. It's something I need much more practice at, so I often look to see how others deal with it.

So, in the light of that:

Why did Carol hate lying to Abbey? Did they have a trusting friendship before? Was it not in Carol's nature to lie? She seems efficient, checks her PDA, seems in a rush to get to a meeting, and comes across with the mannerisms of a detached professional. Perhaps it might have helped to have added something to make it plain why Carol found it uncomfortable to be dishonest - maybe the tension between her psychiatric training and the barrier of the Official Secrets Act?

And what was Carol lying to Abbey about? I thought at first it was the true nature of the bomb, but then thought it was about the origin of the picture and the question of telepathy. If the latter, then Carol's explanation seems to come too quickly and easily (especially fro someone who hates lying!). On the other hand, I could be barking up the wrong tree altogether!!!

Lastly, Sharpe's talent for mimicry: it's very entertaining in its own right, and helps to shape his character. He is clearly at ease with his men, who suffer his lunacy gladly. But I wonder if there's a way to round it off by bringing that character trait into the mix at the end? Perhaps in something he does, or the way he says something before going to deal with the plate? Perhaps his final movement when surprised by the narrator exiting the slit trench could have been his very best, and very last, performance of one of the characters he so deftly mimics...?

I hope there's something in these ramblings that makes sense

If I've missed the point completely, please feel free to laugh heartily at my expense, say 'pah!' and throw this post into a virtual bin

Great story, and much to think about!

Blimey! What a story!!

I have read it a couple of times.

The first time I read through I was so absorbed in the story that I completely forgot about the unreliable narrator theme until it got nearer the end. Upon finishing I immediately thought "Crikey, what happened there then? I'd better read it again." The second time through, I saw new aspects to it but still thought there was stuff I was missing. So, I will read through it a third time, bearing Tallyman's excellent comments in mind, and see what I make of it then.

I agree with Tallyman that's it's a story that could be analysed for hours and I think it is also one that can be read many times, each time uncovering a new aspect.

thanks Mantaspook

Hello M.

The story was remarkable. The way you split it into very short segments kept the pace very quick and the writing style clipped and to the point was very economical. The characterisation of the soldiers particularly Sharpe was beautifully crafted I almost felt that I knew him from school. Perhaps there is just a part of his personality in us all but he was very real to me.

Although this months theme was at the back of my mind as I read the story it never became evident to me that the narrator was unreliable until the shock of the ending. I was looking for the clues but found little to trouble my belief. This must have been deliberate I feel as a second read after you understand more of the truth behind the situation the more you see the cracks appearing in the narrators reliability.

One story that does this very well I think and your story reminds me of it very much is "Jacobs Ladder" by Bruce Joel Rubin. I am unsure weather it has been written as a novel but the film adaptation of the screen play is, like your story, quite mesmerising and by the end the truth is very unclear. Each time you read it you have a differant Idea of what is going on. Very unreliable.

Great stuff Mantas

In years to come students all over the world armed with their cider and cheap wines will be debating the … no not the theory of relativity but the tale of Mantaspook.

I must admit at first I couldn’t get my head round it, but after taking your advice Mantas It all made sense.

Well I thought it was a cracker, as for comments I thinks Tallyman summed it up perfectly.

I need time to read this.

I need time to read this.

You and me both, Pattricia! I've tried once but I can't get my brain in gear. Fortunately I have some digestive biscuits left over from the last trip to England, so I'll just go and put the kettle on, then I can settle down to try again.

By the way, I'm glad to hear the giraffes are ok, but how about the hippos??

I think it's the sort of story you could spend a pleasant hour or two analysing with fellow readers over a few beers!

Hi Tallyman,

Sounds like a plan! -in fact the drinks are on me, that's the least I can do to thank you for taking the time to analyse the story in depth, far from throwing your comments in the 'virtual bin' I think the feedback has been superb, I also happen to agree with the vast majority of your comments.

"The Persistence of Memory" is the name of probably Salvador Dali's most iconic painting, I chose it as a title for this story because as the story developed I wanted the reader to be presented with several memorable scenes that didn't make sense at first, then over the next few days you piece it all together like a jigsaw…but you're never quite sure whether its finished.

I am also very heartened by the positive feedback and peoples comments that they were happy to re-read and analyse the hidden depths, to be honest I wasn't sure whether I had pulled it off or not.

BTW, You're quite right, the unnamed narrator's wife was originally called Gabby, and then I decided to change it and missed the extra "G" (Grr!)

The original plot had a Machiavellian MI5 man and an RAF Flight Sergeant that was a whiz with electronics, in fact he was too good, a very reliable narrator, so I took him out of the equation altogether.

Also, in the initial draft Major Sharpe had about as much character as a disappointing cardboard cut out, I wasn't happy so I binned about 60% of the story and re-wrote it from the perspective of an unnamed narrator.

Here is a copy of my original Plot Notes, as you can see I wandered off course but that's just part of the fun of writing. It was quite right to presume that Abbey's pregnancy was a 'time line' in the real world, the narrator's (unreliable) perception that his injuries are recent is repudiated by the fact he has a teenage daughter in 'the real world.'

Thanks for all your comments, the feedback has been first class and most informative, it's also very heartening to hear that the story was enjoyable to read and that the complex plot wasn't too complex.

In view of the excellent feedback I have uploaded a second version of the story which takes your comments into account, the final story is a lot more rounded but the 'unreliable narrator' theme is partially compromised, as usual, any comments or suggestions to improve this version are welcome, I'd be particularly interested in knowing which version you prefer.

The persistence of memory - Version 2

By the way, I'm glad to hear the giraffes are ok, but how about the hippos??

When the Hippo's are as annoying as this one, they deserve everything they get.

Mantaspook,

Firstly, thanks for taking my comments in the spirit they were meant Yours was an absolutely cracking story.

Secondly, I think I prefer the second version of the story: you've added even more to Sharpe's character, and I found myself liking him as much as his men must have done. You've also added some extra literary WD40 to the whole piece; it slips along now with absolutely no squeaks at all!

And thirdly, excuse me for being an incredible plonker - now I realise (on further re-reading of the original) that Carol's meeting was with Abbey in the first place, so all those comments about continuity are completely groundless - Doh!!! You had made it extremely obvious, I just hadn't twigged!