The Waiting Room, August 08 Contribution

It doesn't exactly fit the brief but I've been quiet for so long I thought it was high time I shared something! Opinions welcome

 

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very good story, liked the 'timepiece', the little bits of detail. The main character's feelings about the situation and the relationship with his son really came through well. Was a good read, cheers!

Excellent piece of work SK

 

It was a smooth, easy to read story, with some genuine build-up of tension I thought.

 

I know I've mentioned it before in the forum, but a good classic layout and attention to typos and punctuation really pays dividends by giving the reader no cause to pause.

 

You filled a fairly static scene to the brim with thoughts, anxieties and fears, all of which seemed to me absolutely authentic, and your ending was superb. I especially liked the way the final line harked back to the earlier comment, and I think you had the emotional content bang on.

 

Great stuff

Hi Sauerkraut,

 

I think a good technique, once you've written a story, is to chuck it in a drawer and come back to it days / weeks later, that way you have a fresh perspective as you do a forensic analysis looking for missed commas and phrases that could be written more clearly.

 

My first impression of the story was that are too many repetitive elements that slow the story down and I spotted a few inconsistencies that need some editing.

 

I've highlighted the main points in the detailed critique below, other things I would consider altering is the way Simon asks himself a question, then another question, then half a page later he's doing it again, whilst I realise he is reproaching himself to some extent from the reader's perspective it's annoying.

 

Generally, if you see a single word highlighted in yellow then it will probably make the sentence stronger by deleting it, I've also put lots of comments in the margin. If you've got Microsoft Word it should load up with all the comment tabs, I'm not sure if other WP packages will accept this - if anyone has a problem let me know.

 

On the plus side I agree with Tallyman, a very good build up of tension, I think the end needed a bigger release though, a story like this needs a big dam burst at the end which is the payoff for the reader.

 

DETAILED CRITIQUE

Malanimal, glad you liked it - thank you! One of the aspects I was happiest with was the dripfeeding of little pieces of detail to fill in the backstory, so I was pleased someone else liked it, too

 

Tallyman, thanks for the encouragement. I'm especially glad you liked the ending because I usually find that the toughest part. The opening line comes to me in a flash, then I write like crazy, and as I realise the story's getting near the end I often feel a sense of panic coz I don't know how everything's going to resolve. I'm not a great planner

 

Mantaspook, wow, what can I say? I think it's amazing that you've given so much of your time to provide such a detailed critique. Thank you. And of course you spotted it: I wrote the story in the morning, posted it in the afternoon, then the next day looked at my printed version again and immediately got the red pen out! It was interesting comparing where your corrections coincided with mine!

 

The story certainly could be a lot more concise (and to prove it to myself I wrote a version where I almost halved the word count) but you then lose some of the sense of the long-drawn-out waiting time, and the character going over and over things in his mind. Anyway, I'm giving all your comments careful thought and there's already a re-worked version but I'm shutting it in a drawer for a few days

 

Thanks again, folks.

Portraying the long drawn out waiting time without boring the reader is a difficult trick to pull off, you could write: "The long hand of the clock pointed to the number five." Then write an interesting soliloquy of his thoughts ranging over many topics before 'returning' to the room with "The long hand of the clock pointed straight down, he blinked, surely it had stopped? No, the second hand was still moving, and each second was a lifetime."

 

I'm glad you liked the detailed critique, it does take time but I think the comment tags are a great tool for pointing to the text and making suggestions, hopefully this may catch on and another writer could take my critique, add their own notes and re-post, (& repeat) until you have a 'snowball' of different comments pointing to the specific areas that need work.

 

They're dead easy to add too, in WORD simply place the cursor atb the end of the text you, want to comment on, hold down the ALT key then hit I & M and the comment appears for you to fill in.

 

I'm already looking forward to the Mark 2 version, don't leave it in the drawer too long…that reminds me, I have a sci-fi story that needs editing…

Hi SK,

 

Another quality offering. I found it enjoyable and easy to read.

 

I particularly liked the rhythm of the writing early on:

 

"Perhaps he should count the times – there and back, there and back"

"He could only pace and count, pace and count."

 

Which had a tick-tock, tick-tock feel to it in keeping with the essence of the story.

 

What about your use of levity and humour though, SK? Did you wonder how much of this was appropriate? I've been pondering it and to be honest I think for this piece I would have found it more satisfying if the ending had gone the other way and the father's thoughts had descended into an even darker place. I found the light-hearted bits about urinating detracted from the mood that had been created rather than complementing it. However, I'm pretty sure that this might just reflect my own twisted preferences.

 

Good stuff

Thank you very much for your comments, RB.

 

In the light of everyone's comments and some re-thinking of my own I've done a brutally chopped version and I'd be interested to hear if you think it's an improvement or not. Not necessarily whether it meets the "buildup of tension" criteria, but just viewed as a story in its own right.

 

I've been battling with my computer for the past 2 or 3 days so I hope it works.

 

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P.S. Oh and one thing I'd be interested to know from your detailed critique, please, Mantas: why did you want me to delete commas before closing quotation marks? Direct speech is where I have the most difficulties with punctuation, especially knowing when to start a new line, but I was pretty sure about my commas .

 

"I'd like to hear your views," said Sauerkraut thoughtfully.

Hi Sauerkraut,

 

Regarding the commas, we all know their usual use as separators; most writing today requires commas that serve a logical purpose, usually to separate different thoughts or nuances of thought within sentences. In dialogue, they're also used as 'breathe pauses.'

 

In your story you attributed a quote to the nurse WITHIN the quotation.

 

“No news yet, I’m afraid,” said the nurse, and Angie’s grip relaxed slightly. “He’s still in theatre. I came to see if you need anything.”

 

This is correct; the trailing comma does eventually link up with the second part of the nurse's speech, but the reader is momentarily distracted by the reference to Angie's grip.

 

We may be talking different writing styles here, but technically, this is a better way of writing the same thing: "No news yet, I'm afraid," said the nurse. "He's still in theatre. I came to see if you need anything."

 

Towards the end of the story we see this:

“I’m sorry I wasn’t here,” said Simon.

Angie smiled through her tears. “At least you didn’t pee on the floor.”

In this case, because we don't return to Simon's speech, the trailing comma should definitely have been a full stop.

 

This is a good website that is very useful regarding punctuation.

 

I think the second version of your story is an improvement. The writing is a lot tighter, and I think that this adds to the tension.

 

The reader also has a better idea of who is speaking & the inconsistencies have been eliminated so it is a lot easier to read. However, the ending is a little flat; the story still needs a big "sun coming out from behind the clouds" moment at the end.

 

Towards the end of the story we see this:

 

["I'm sorry I wasn't here," said Simon.]

 

In this case, because we don't return to Simon's speech, the trailing comma should definitely have been a full stop.

 

Can't agree on that, I'm afraid! My comma stays!

 

I couldn't see anything in your link on it unfortunately but in any case it's an American website and quotation marks are one of the areas where they differ most from British grammar anyhow.

 

Glad you prefer the new version of the story; I think on balance I do too. I'll have to give the ending some more thought. I hate endings!