Poem: 'The Broken Dreams.'

[coyleys]

This one is in memory of my uncle John.

 

I’m still using the couplet style, aa,bb, though I think I’m ready to try another style next time.

 

Anyway have a look and give me some serious comments (rip it to bits for me, I’ll not be hurt)

 

Broken Dreams.

[scribe]

This one is in memory of my uncle John.

I’m still using the couplet style, aa,bb, though I think I’m ready to try another style next time.

Anyway have a look and give me some serious comments (rip it to bits for me, I’ll not be hurt)

 

It would hurt me if i had composed it:thumbsup:Top stuff my friend .

[pattricia]

I think we should be reminded of people like this every day. Good one Coyleys.

[Mantaspook]

Hi Mick,

 

The ‘couplet’ method of writing poetry can sometimes make the poem seem a little strained as you reach for the elusive rhyme to the previous line, I suggest you experiment a little, using your original poem have a go at switching the lines around, forget the rhythm for the time being and see if the poem sounds better.

 

In the example below I’ve taken your original second stanza and switched lines 2 & 3 around.

 

(1) With Innocence of youth, and ignorance of grief

(3) Seduced by glory and childhood dreams

(2) For king and country, was his one true belief

(4) To do his duty, against all extremes.

 

Then I’ve edited for rhythm:

 

With Innocence of youth, and ignorance of grief

Seduced by the glory and wild childhood dreams

For king and country, was his one true belief

Was to do his duty, against all extremes.

 

You could use this technique with the whole poem, alternative stanzas or small random sections, the ‘proof of the pudding’ is when you read the poem out loud, if it sounds natural and flows - and gets the message across - then it works. Simple as that.

 

Another example.

 

Stanza 5 (original)

 

Dunkirk to his back and the enemy his face

He stood his ground and gave no grace

Demise of his comrades, the blood and the gore

This broken dream, was the reality of war

 

Stanza 5 (modified)

 

Dunkirk at his back, the enemy he faced

He dug himself in and silently swore

That the Germans would halt here, they’d advance no more

His dreams laid dying in the fury of war.

 

Three lines rhyme this time, slightly more fluent, same message.

 

If the stanza doesn’t flow then don’t hesitate to delete it completely, then have another go from a different angle.

 

Hope that you consider the above ripping constructive

 

BTW, I can’t fault the sentiments in the poem, very sad, I'm definetly attending the cenotaph ceremony next month.

[coyleys]

Thanks for that, Mantas

The couplet style is ok but it’s a bit nursery rhyme’y.

Your examples have certainly given me food for thought, looking at it that way, one could play about with a single stanza for hours, so it looks like my Sunday will be occupied.

Thanks again Mantas, you’re a gem.

[Kaimani]

haunting. reminds me of an uncle who survived the war but it made him such a soldier peace killed him. still, he never complained. as far as he was concerned he'd played his part. and the stiff upper lip of a veteran sleeping rough was just him still doing his bit for kin and country. sorry, i'm going on. your piece shook me from my centre.

coincidentally, your whole thing looks like a pawn-the chess piece. was that deliberate? genious touch. genius.