tom3t0 Posted October 19, 2007 Share Posted October 19, 2007 Ive wrote this down, what Ive been singing whilst riding my bicycle to stop me from attacking the nutters on the road who attempt to kill me on a daily basis: Hi ho, hi ho, it’s off to heaven we go. Theres a blonde on the road, on the chuffin phone, while she’s on her way home. Hi ho, hi ho hi ho, hi ho. And a prick in a merc, driving like a jerk, although his brakes don’t work. Hi ho, hi ho hi ho, hi ho. That man in a van, getting as close as he can. Hi ho, hi ho hi ho, hi ho. People driving on the right ‘cos they’ve no eyesight. Hi ho, hi ho hi ho, hi ho. Hi ho, hi ho it’s off to heaven we go. Women in land rovers, trying to run us over. Hi ho, hi ho hi ho, hi ho. Men in Ford’s who speed ’cos they’re bored Hi ho, hi ho hi ho, hi ho. Learners let lose who always get to close. Hi ho, hi ho hi ho, hi ho. Old people in the car who can’t see very far. Hi ho, hi ho hi ho, hi ho. On a bike or a horse, your braver than most. Because with all the nutters on the road, it’s to heaven you will go. Hi ho, hi ho hi ho, hi ho. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
tom3t0 Posted October 19, 2007 Author Share Posted October 19, 2007 Any feedback Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Hopman Posted October 20, 2007 Share Posted October 20, 2007 I don't think it flows very freely (a bit like traffic in that respect). There seems to be no sense of consistent rhythm. Maybe a few changes might help. Theres a blonde on the road, on the chuffin phone, while she’s on her way home. Syllable count of 6,5,6. Try: A blonde I should fear, Her phone to her ear, Her eyes on the road? Her head in the cloud. And a prick in a merc, driving like a jerk, although his brakes don’t work. Try: And a jerk in his Merc, As he drives home from work, It shudders and shakes As he's late with the brakes. Hi ho, hi ho hi ho, hi ho. seems to be a bit over used - shades of seven vertically challenged miners? If you want to express the toil of pedalling, how about: Left pedal up, right pedal down, right pedal up, left pedal down. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
sauerkraut Posted October 20, 2007 Share Posted October 20, 2007 Any feedback Sorry, tom3to, we can be a bit of a leisurely lot on here sometimes. I've been known to give feedback on people's stories 2 or 3 months after they've posted them by which time they've probably forgotten what they wrote! Like Hopman, I found the rhythm a bit difficult. I tried singing it but couldn't get it to fit the tune somehow. Then again, if you're dodging traffic you've probably got other things on your mind than perfect meter! But I can appreciate the sentiments and it's good it helps you contain your road rage! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
coyleys Posted October 20, 2007 Share Posted October 20, 2007 Nice ones, Hopman and Sauerkraut, you replied to something I found hard to comment on, it’s nice to know someone is on the ball Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Meaks Posted October 20, 2007 Share Posted October 20, 2007 It doesn't work. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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