Kaimani Posted October 20, 2007 Share Posted October 20, 2007 read that the theme for next month's ghost. this not it. just something from the archives of the artist in his younger days i thought of when i read that. hope you like. Ghosts in our tears - a requiem. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
sauerkraut Posted October 20, 2007 Share Posted October 20, 2007 I'm afraid I got a bit confused again - but then I am more of a fan of uncomplicated, straightforward story lines, so perhaps I'm not the best person to be offering judgment! I couldn't discover, for instance, what was said (opening sentence). I expected that to be resolved by the end but somehow I seem to have missed it! The phrase "bury their heads in the sand" struck me as a bit of a cliche which didn't fit well with the much more original writing in the rest of the piece. Perhaps "those that can see choose to be blind" or something like that might work better? There's a tremendous amount of powerful emotion in your writing, but it leads where I can't always follow. Sorry - I hope that doesn't offend! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mikomi Posted October 20, 2007 Share Posted October 20, 2007 I agree with sauerkraut,if there is a story in there i couldn't find it . Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
coyleys Posted October 21, 2007 Share Posted October 21, 2007 Kaimani please don’t take this the wrong way. Your writings are always very good, but! They never seem to lead anywhere, lots of cryptic sayings and clichés but very little story, you write a good sermon but I fear you were born a few hundred years too late. It’s a bit like reading jumbled up verses of scriptures, you must concentrate more on the story, even holy writings of the Bible and Koran have stories. I don’t mean this in any derogatory sense as I do value your contributions most highly but I have said this a few times before, if you want your writings to appeal to the media they want a clearer story. Sorry if I have offended you. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kaimani Posted October 21, 2007 Author Share Posted October 21, 2007 no offence at all coyles. this is the exact same critisism i level against myself. that is why i put it up for other writers. i could tell you that this piece used to be twice as long and leading no where just the same. half the times i don't know if i'm writing fiction or simply trying 'rage against the dying of sanity.'! im taking some creative writing modules as part of my overall degree so hope that helps. I JUST HAVE TO FIND THE STORIES. well, find them is probably not the right thing to say, but i must find a way to squeeze them out of all this bull****, i guess, is the only way to say it. but, just in case you lost sleep over it, no offence taken!! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
coyleys Posted October 21, 2007 Share Posted October 21, 2007 Good! that’s peace of mind. I have a quest for you “ Arr! A quest, M’Lord, to slay the dragon and save the damsel” no nothing so dangerous. Try writing a story, 1xA4 for, lets say a 10 to 12 year old child, no clichés, metaphors, sayings or innuendo’s, and lets see what you come up with. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
shoeshine Posted October 21, 2007 Share Posted October 21, 2007 Kaimani, I have, in my mind, the first contribution you made to this Section of the Forum as I post this comment. In effect it was a piece written by someone who, as a young boy was leaving his country, to the distress but with the blessing of his Mum (sad to her as it must have been) to travel to Britain. That was a stunning piece, with both emotional content and a descriptive story contained within it. Perhaps you will revisit that contribution and learn from it how powerful the message to the reader was upon its first reading. It contained the balance between storyline and inward emotional thought. You can strike that balance again, and maybe become a great writer. Just a thought! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TheRedWizard Posted October 21, 2007 Share Posted October 21, 2007 Good! that’s peace of mind. I have a quest for you “ Arr! A quest, M’Lord, to slay the dragon and save the damsel” no nothing so dangerous. Try writing a story, 1xA4 for, lets say a 10 to 12 year old child, no clichés, metaphors, sayings or innuendo’s, and lets see what you come up with. I don't think there is any need: the prose is very good (with a few slips), the sentiments sophisticated and the tone superb (if rather unchanging). There is no need to simplify the prose itself and dumb down the style. What there is a need to do is establish some kind of narrative framework to work around, to make sure the piece goes somewhere, and that the reader can follow this. As per a previous post, I think a comparison with Ellroy shows how you can work this type of powerful moodful prose into a decent narrative. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kaimani Posted October 22, 2007 Author Share Posted October 22, 2007 thanks for all your input. makes it all worthwhile. Kind words wizard. thanks. and shine, as always, invaluable. and, coyleys, i accept you change, sir. i shall endevour to come up with something suitable. this shall be my single vision and aim until it's acheived. i will appraoch it with vigour as i would not want to end up in the tower of london should m'lord be displeased! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Saff Posted October 22, 2007 Share Posted October 22, 2007 I thought this was amazing. I interpreted it as the journey of the spirit through mankind's very slow repetitive evolution to higher consciousness and away from repressive divisive morality. The imagery was striking and dreamlike and for me the message was very clear. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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