Kaimani Posted October 23, 2007 Share Posted October 23, 2007 not really fiction in the strict sense. 'faction' as someone said. hope you like More Tomorrow than today. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
coyleys Posted October 23, 2007 Share Posted October 23, 2007 There you go Kaimani, that was brilliant, it was a story and a story I really enjoyed, you still couldn’t help putting some of your metaphors in but the proportions were just right, you slayed the dragon and brought the damsel home that time, good man. As for the story line that was wrote with feeling, you have to be a parent to appreciate the feelings involved, thankfully the latter never applied to me, well! I‘ll put it this way, the first day my new born daughter came home from the hospital I cut my drinking down to one night a week, that was 24 years ago, I’m now down to 1 night a month, but I can appreciate what you went through. 10 out of 10 for that one Kaimani. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
shoeshine Posted October 23, 2007 Share Posted October 23, 2007 Kaimani, that is a wonderful piece of writing. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
coyleys Posted October 23, 2007 Share Posted October 23, 2007 There you are coyleys. A little leaving present from me to yourself and Kaimani. Going somewhere are we? I thought this was to be…. Well! Let’s say active retirement. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
shoeshine Posted October 23, 2007 Share Posted October 23, 2007 Going somewhere are we? I thought this was to be…. Well! Let’s say active retirement. Only "active" until the "GL Software" is removed, Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TheRedWizard Posted October 23, 2007 Share Posted October 23, 2007 Excellent. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mantaspook Posted October 23, 2007 Share Posted October 23, 2007 Hi Kaimani, OUTSTANDING! – no doubt about it, that story is simply the best you’ve written to date, you’ve discovered your writers ‘voice’ and told the story in a fluid, economical style that captivates the reader and makes it a real page turner. There are three minor lines I would consider revising: 1."I went to see her and her mother every day. Every day those days three years ago." The story flows along like a fast river until you hit these lines then you almost trip over them, how about: “I went to see Tara and her mother every single day, it’s what I did with my days three years ago.” 2."They didn’t come home after the discharge." sounds initially like a medical problem, how about: “After the hospital discharged them, they didn’t come home” 3."like catching you wiener in your fly" – I think I’d delete this one, it sounds ‘too american’ and doesn’t really sit well with the overall context of the paragraph which is people ‘getting soapy’ about their kids. Apart from that, its practically perfect. EXCELLENT WRITING. Well done. PS. I’ve used your phrase “More tomorrow than today” as a title – hope you approve - to me it seems that the narrator is struggling with tomorrow whilst today overwhelms him, so it seemed appropriate. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
pattricia Posted October 23, 2007 Share Posted October 23, 2007 Kaimani, that is a wonderful piece of writing. Yes, I agree. Very touching & emotional. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
sauerkraut Posted October 24, 2007 Share Posted October 24, 2007 Brilliant, Kaimani! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kaimani Posted October 25, 2007 Author Share Posted October 25, 2007 thanks everyone. you should see my grin right now! ""2."They didn’t come home after the discharge."""" just realised what you mean. sound like some horrible thing you would need antibiotics for!! coyleys, glad you approved. will keep working on the metaphor diarrhoea. spook, thanks for the title. was struggling with it. "Very touching & emotional." patricia, a friend of mine used that same phrase to describe it. he then added, "very gay. stop it!!!" but i get what you mean. thanks. glad you all liked it. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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