Story: 'Excerpt from Jasfoup's Diary.'

[leatherdykeu]

Excerpt from Jasfroup's diary.

[Mantaspook]

Hi Leatherdykeu,

 

The original story was uploaded at 75% zoom which made the text very small and difficult to read, hopefully the larger version I’ve just uploaded will encourage the group to give it another go and leave some feedback.

 

This in an interesting story but it’s told in a very confusing manner, the first sentence promises the reader that this is some sort of ghost story (along the lines of Stephen King’s ‘1408’) but then it wanders off and tells us all about the background history of the hotel.

 

The title ‘Diary of a Demon’ implies that the main story should be Jasfroup’s observations, there is far too much historical background and it’s told in such a matter of fact way it could almost be from a tourist brochure. What would have made the story more interesting is if we were told Jasfroup’s recollection of exactly why Mr Packlin died in such an unusual manner, did he do something to annoy the demon?

 

I think that this short story is overpopulated, with eight characters in such a short space you don’t give get much time to develop them beyond a passing mention, have a look at the list below, you could probably lose four or five of them, for instance Alistair Crowley could just be called ‘An inebriated former guest.’

 

Graham, the owner

Alistair Crowley

Lady Melissa Waters

The Late Colonel Waters (of the 137th lancers)

Arnold Packlin

Harold

Thor

Gillian

 

Try to avoid using brackets whenever possible, it weakens the narrative flow and gives the reader (who may be distracted by such a practice) that you are adding things as an afterthought (which is often unnecessary) ...as I've just demonstrated.

 

Here’s your first paragraph:

 

Room 137 is the least popular in the White Art hotel in Laverstone. If assigned the room, guests invariably ask to be swapped the next day. Few can cope with the seeming random noises in the darkest hours of the loss from a locked room of seemingly inconspicuous objects – pens, hip flasks and cigarettes, for example. (This in the days when Graham, the owner, allowed guests to smoke in their rooms. He abandoned the practice in 2004 when the current incumbent of #137 suffered a bout of spontaneous combustion brought about by a rubber suit and a nylon carpet.)

 

This is how I would have edited it:

 

Every time the hotel manager of the White Art issued the key to room 137 he knew that the next morning he will have to perform a time honoured ritual involving apologies and a rapid relocation when the guest has found out that the room is haunted.

 

Even the heavy sleepers are awakened by loud noises in the darkest hours of the night, bleary eyed and fumbling for the light switch, few people can cope with the fact that someone, or something, has entered the locked room and moved things, sometimes its small items such as a comb or a packet of cigarettes, sometimes its large things, like the ornate mahogany wardrobe that somehow squeezed into the impossibly small bathroom, its contents undisturbed (unlike the guest.)

 

This was in the days when the owner allowed guests to smoke in their rooms; he abandoned this practice several years ago when a previous incumbent of room 137 suffered from a very rare case of spontaneous human combustion, what can I say? The man was extraordinarily irritating and I lost my temper…

 

Does the initial sentence draw you in and tell you where the story is going in a concise way? Note that I only used the brackets once to express a humorous aside, short and to the point, in this case I think the brackets work better than a comma.

[leatherdykeu]

Much appreciated, Manta. You're quite right in that it needs to be snappier. I have a long way to go before getting another book published, I think.

[Malanimal]

Mmmm... I disagree with some of Manta's observations;)

 

I think the brackets should be left out of the first paragraph all together but, overall, I think the tone of the first section should be made more like a guidebook, or perhaps like an informal web page on a local curiosity.

 

My main editing would come in the second half, because I didn't follow what was happening at all! (I was unfamiliar with the rest of the series) As a narrative, I felt a bit lost as to who Gillian and Thor were, and it seemed to speed through compared to the detail of the first part.

 

Perhaps "We decamped to a hotel room. I bet you can guess which one." changed to "We decamped to our hotel room. Unfortunately, Graham had insisted on renting it out again but Gillian was kept quite amused by chasing the poor man around the room until she knocked him out with a Gideon's bible. The rest of us sat on the bed whilst this was happening, making suggestions as to tactics and where the man would run next. She insists they don't remember anything the following morning, I do wonder if that is less down to Magick than the wielding of blunt objects".

 

It is a fun world to play around in! The demons diary and the blog is top stuff, cheers.

[leatherdykeu]

Thank you most kindly

 

I seem to be a bit 'off' writing at the moment since I broke my leg doing martial arts -- I can't find a comfortable position for the hours it takes to write the chapters.

[pattricia]

Although the writing was rather small, I thought it was an unusual style of writing, and quite interesting. Good start.