Adoption: Searching for adopted brother

[Jason Hinnel]

Hi all, I've been waiting for adopteddanny to reply to a few questions and so far although there are a few things that do match theres nothing yet to say it is definately him.

 

I get about a reply a week form other sites at the moment from people saying they could be him but most are just wind ups whilst the others just havent read the details fully.

 

Interesting thing this time is if this is Nicky he doesn't have the prominent ginger hair now but thinking about it neither does my other brother who was very gingery when he was younger but with age not only is he losing his hair but lost the bright colour so it's very possible Nicky is not gingery any more.

 

When I was adoped I had bright blonde hair but now it's dark brown.

 

It all depends who nicky's father is to have some idea what he would look like now and so far we don't know for sure who he is but when I find him with some luck that one will be solved.

 

Will keep you updated on what goes off with adopteddanny, I'm waiting now to see if adopteddanny can tell me where he was adopted to see if it's a match.

[doyle]

:)I hope you get some news soon Jason,its like a cliffhanger. Sandaz, are you still following, I hope so.

[Squiggly]

I was just thinking about this thread today and wondering what the latest was. Hope you are doing OK Jason and will get news soon.

[lozzielors]

Hi

 

I have just read this thread tonight and its a pretty tough/amazing story. I have been in tears.

 

I hope all goes well and your search for your brother is successful

 

Loz

[doyle]

Hi Jason, ths story has gone a bit cold so I thought Id write, any more news yet, i'm sure all the followrs are looking every day for an update or I hope a happy ending. How are you Sandaz, not quoted for a while?

[meggusa]

I myself was adopted many years ago, I always thought maybe my birthmother was to young to keep me, in prison, no family to support her etc... I finally found her when I was in my 30s .Was shocked to find out she was 21 when she had me and just did,nt want me. She had another baby 10 months after I was born kept him and married his father.I only met her twice she would not tell me who my father is only that he was American. What made it worse was that my adoptive father constantly abused be and took great pride in threatening to send me back to the childrens home (many times I wished he would) my adoptive mother died when I was 11 (suicde) and never helped me.I was never hugged or told I was loved all my child hood. To this day I never knew what I did wrong, , never had xmas present or birthday present.I am happily married with 3 daughters and 5 grand children who I love more than anything and could have never given up.And I now live in the USA. I am 55 now and still pine for the father I never knew and wish I could find out who he is, his name was not on my original birth certificate.

[Jason Hinnel]

Sorry not posted for a while. I've not been very well. Slowly getting better now at last.

Unfortunately it didn't turn out to be Nicky so the search is still ongoing.

 

Just read the last posting and I really feel for you. It's a sad fact that while people hurl abuse at people who are publicly known to have abused children many forget it's the ones no one knows about who are the real dangers and there are many of them. There are a lot of sad stories about adoptive parents and what they do to their adopted children, I think many just assume adoptive parents will do a good job and never think about reality.

 

It's true almost every family have skelentons in the cupboard but the problems start when they hide their own and try to bring out everyone elses which just makes it more difficult in the long run.

I've often hoped that Nicky had the life I did but there's just no way of knowing until I find him.

 

I know a chap who is now mid 40's and his parents adopted him because they couldn't have children but they only had him to fill a gap and he was pretty much kept locked up and not given any love, he was just there so they had a child and that was about it.

 

It's difficult to try to understand people at times and what really makes them tick. My natural father has caused me some problems and many people have said he must have had a poor up bringing to make him turn out as he did but the truth is there is nothing in his past that made him like he is. The main thing was all the women he knew let him do what he wanted and as long as they got what they wanted they didn't care. He doesn't understand what he does is wrong because no one ever told him different and the way he sees life is people don't complain at the time he has done no wrong.

Okay so his brain is wired up very badly but I can partly see why he is like it, but then trying to get the truth out of the other family members was like getting blood out of a stone and I am always very suspicious when people don't just tell the truth as they usually have something to hide.

 

Probably the hardest thing must be for someone to find their birth parents and find they are too late & never get the chance to talk to them, and also finding out they don't want to know.

 

I'm still not sure how Nicky will react to what he will find out, It certainly affected me more than I realised and once you find what you want to know you just can't switch off when you want, it's there for the rest of your life.

 

We all know when someone dies in time things get better and time helps us to adjust, but for me finding out about my brothers violent death was like it had just happened even though I knew that's what I would find, and when people hide the truth it makes it hard to deal with.

 

I had a scar on my head when I was adopted and when I asked how it got there no one knew and denied it being there when I left to go into care, Strange to find out that it was actually there before I went in care. I don't think I will ever understand why the truth has to be such a secret because it all comes out in the end.

 

I do think that some thought I would find someone to blame for everything but I'm not like that, I just wanted to know how it really was mainly because it's easier to understand things better and it also means I don't have to keep asking questions.

The only regret I have is that the people who should have told me truth didn't but that just means I know how far to trust them.

 

When I made the choice to go and find them I didn't involve social services but looking at it all now I would have to say to anyone who was going to search do it with social services help, and the only reason for that is they will be there to help & be there to talk you through things and rather than throw yourself in the deep end alone you may well find eventually it's easier with someone alongside you for that bit of support.

 

It would be good to find out one day if Nicky has been following all this or even someone from his family. I keep hoping someone may send me a private message just saying they have seen it.

 

Anyway I keep having a few ideas what to do next.

 

Will post again soon!

[Jason Hinnel]

Just also to say to meggusa it's not what you did wrong although I understand why you say that, Some people are twisted up and no one else is responsible for what they do. Some people call it evil, some say sick but either way you are not to blame. At least you will give your children what you didn't have and treat them as you should and as you have found out life is what you make it. Bad things never go away but sick people do make it out to be the victims fault and although deep down many know that part of them still think it was something they did which is rubbish, but it's not always easy to stand up and say I am the victim and what happened was not my fault.

 

Thank you for sharing that with us, I'm sure others will relate to what you said far more than you realise.

[sandaz3]

hi meggusa you sound like you came out the other side and are still able to show love which can sometimes be hard when you have been abused. abusers are not sick if they were they would have an excuse for the things they do to make a child live in pain and fear is not sick there is no cure i don't know what you would call it they are very clever not to get caught and to frighten you so much you won't tell. i am sure you tell your children and grandchildren you love them and they know they are loved. be proud of yourself every day and good luck for the future i wish you lots of happiness you deserve it. i am sure if nicky ever came back he would be as angry and mixed up as jason and i feel sorry for anyone that finds out the things jason has. i understand jasons anger and pain i wish the search for nicky was over so jason could finally be happy. the day jason phoned me and told me who he was was a moment i dreamed of for years and i still remember it as if it was yesterday i couldn't wait to see what he looked like and when i finally saw him it was like i had known him all my life. it would be great to know nicky is well and happy. i missed you jason when i came to england hope you are better. sandaz

[Jason Hinnel]

Hi all, I'm back!

Well no thanks to my dr I'm still here!

My doc says I have anxiety problems & panic attacks & should learn to keep away from stress, yeah right!

Anyway I didn't see it all coming on so just hit me in quite a big way. It has made me wonder though if Nicky could actually handle what he will find out. Think if I'm the kind of person who doesn't let things get to me and then find it has in a big way Nicky would have a rough time.

Doc put me on some medication which just made it worse so given up on that facing it head on, so far so good.

The main thing I've thought about is if Nicky does turn up he will need help from social services to make sense and support him and tell him the truth and facts because otherwise he will just everyones opinion and not probably what he needs to know and if he can't talk to anyone at home he could end up in a mess which is a position I can't put him in.

There have been a few people claiming to be Nicky but I know at least 2 of them were family members doing a wind up. Theres 2 things only me and Nicky know so it's straight forward to find out if it's really him so as yet I know I havent found him.

Fortunately I know the exact location where he went and I know he's still alive.

Part of me thinks he would be a fool to come back but the other half of me wants to know he turned out okay.

At the moment my real father is causing problems & making threats from prison so sorting that out, he's even gone as far as getting someone to try to follow me so he knows where I live so not easy having to look over your shoulder constantly. The big problem is one of my sisters has been told by an ex family member where I live so I think all hell will break lose there but at least I'm ready for that.

I learned all things slowly, in fact most of it very slowly because I had to go and find the truth, Nicky however will have it all at once thrown at him which is not so good, he has everything in his file with contacts for me and social services have promised they would go very steady with him so right now I don't see any other way other than wait for him to open up a very large can of worms, I can't do it for him.

You will probably see I don't sleep well at night as I'm doing this at 4.30 am but it's getting better, if I have a bad night I don't try and fight it, just do things other than sleep. The house is so tidy!

Accepting things is the hard part but as I've told all the family, I've spent however long travelling to see you now I'm staying put and if you want to see me you make an effort and guess what, only 1 auntie has been near.

I think most of them are takers not givers & now I can't give they aint that bothered to be honest.

I've stopped sorting out problems for the ones who would ring everyday moaning and living my own life. Chasing around all the time with your head spinning doesn't do you much good so I've given up trying to please them and most don't like it but tough.

My dad here has gone down hill fast the last 6 months and he comes first mainly because he's not going to be here for much longer and I owe the others nothing!

Sounds a bit harsh but it's true.

I use to ring them all a lot, how many have rung me since I havent been able to go? Just the one. I've learned quite a lot the last few months.

Anyway the doc says I can't drive so it's doing me the world of good.

It is like being 2 people but the 2 can't cross and it works mostly but at times when things collide it's hard.

So as for Nicky no news other than no one claiming to be as yet is really him.

Even I'm interested to see how this will all end up, At least if he is following this he knows what to expect so we'll just have to wait and see.

Hope you're all keeping okay & will post again soon.

Soon be his birthday so will be keeping an eye out so you never know.