Adoption: Searching for adopted brother

[shaznay]

Okay here goes!

I found my natural father 2 years ago, i went to find him after I found out he killed my brother when mum was 3 months pregnant with me. I wanted to hear his side and have a few minutes alone with him! Anyway we actually got on very well and I was his double.

I knew all about his past, how he had been in and out of prison most his life. Just before last Christmas he was arrested yet again for another very serious offence and he thought I would help him get off as I was in the police a few years back. Naturally I passed everything he said on to the police and he is now hopefully spending the rest of his life in prison. I ended all communication with him and really gave him a hard time as i was the only person he listened to and was wary of.

Although I detest what he is I really miss him and social services have offered to be a go between should I want to talk to him.

If he did die in prison I would always regret not telling him although he is a fool for throwing life away just like that I do miss him as meant a lot to me.

I'm not sure if I should make contact with him or leave him to rot.

i know most of the time he has just been in the wrong place at the wrong time and in many ways he is just an idiot who never grew up but he's 61 now.

Any views would be interesting, i was thinking of sending a christmas card saying although you are a complete waste of space I still miss you and always will.

 

Should I stay away or should I have communication at a very low level?

 

Wow, thats pretty powerful stuff Jason, He must have had a terrible life, I bet he had a rough upbringing himself.

 

In my opinion, he is a waste of space as you say,what has he ever done that is good in his life? apart from fathered children like yourself (and no doubt your brother) who grew up to be very respectable people.

 

Your natural mum must have suffered terribly,to see your child murdered by your own husband, terrible,

 

He will proberbly stay in prison till he dies, the only life he knows by the sounds of it.

 

I would proberbly send him a letter rather than a xmas card, just telling him you hate everything he's done in his life, but he still has a son who is there should he need to say anything too, and then wait to see if he responds.

 

What a sad story, do you know if your natural mum is still alive?

 

All the best, xxxx

[Jason Hinnel]

Thanks for the replies, It is a complicated one!

Yes my natural mum is alive, I found them 3 years ago, went to social services who did nothing and just did it myself. Fortunately Nickys (the brother I'm searching for ) father isn't mine although he wasn't a very nice bloke but he died quite a few years ago.

My natural dad wasn't married to her, his wife and kid lived next door but he moved in for a short while. I went on to find my real dad after things didn't add up and wanted to know more but neither of them wanted to say much, everyone covered it up. My brother who was killed was basically buried and forgotten until I turned up, he has an unmarked grave which no one ever went to and after searching records it's impossible to say exactly where he lies. My dad had a good up bringing with great parents but just always chose the wrong way in life, from 16 he was in serious trouble. He accepts having to go inside yet again and yes to him it's just a way of life and he gets on with it. His excuse this time was me turning up which was a load of rubbish, claimed he had a nervous breakdown which was proved rubbish. He does have his good points, I was the only one he told things to and I know more about him than anyone. Dads sister is the best auntie in the world and I just wish he was more like her. I cant change what he is but thought with me around he would have at least made an effort. I couldn't ever meet him again because to be honest I would flatten him but would be nice to just say you deserve what you got but I do miss you. We had a lot of good times in the short time I knew him even if he is trouble. He has a good heart but sadly never goes the right way to show it. I don't feel guilty what I said to him the last time we met but kind of want him to know what good times we had are missed.

I despise people like him and think hanging would suit them best but yes I do love him.

I'm the only person who has ever stood up to him and if I did contact him he's won which is why I've stood my ground but I would regret it one day.

[Jason Hinnel]

My brother may have a birth certificate that doesn't give his birth name, My certificate gives my original name but nothing on birth parents. I always knew I was adopted and my real name but never got to see my birth certificate until I was in my 20's, guess I just never needed it. My parents here always said not to search until they had gone and although I always wondered I never had the urge to do it. 4 years ago I went to social services and asked to see my file but got no where so just left it, then 5th December 2004 my mum had a major stroke and spent 4 months in hospital, it was then i knew I had to do it there and then and not wait so I got all the surnames that matched and started contacting them and it only took 5 days, for a short time I had 2 sets of parents but my mum died 2 years ago and then my real dad gets locked up again so now only have my real mum and my adoptive dad who is simply the best. He's 80 and my mum was 74 which is why I never told them as they didn't need the hassle at that age, Makes me sound old but I'm only 35!

[Jason Hinnel]

I always said I wouldn't get married or have kids until I found out who I was and I didn't. I got married shortly after finding my family and it felt perfect, my mum here had got into a routine after her stroke and the day was perfect but a few days after we got back from our honeymoon my mum here died, we knew there was a high chance of her having a stroke again but just didn't expect it to happen at that time. My birth family were great and understanding but my real mum knew she couldn't replace her.

I'm the sort of person who is strong and determined but none of my brothers and sisters are but things do play on my mind and I get nights when I just can't sleep.

My poor wife ended up with 2 mother in laws for a short time, glad i didn't!

I know definately Nicky has never contacted social services to ask to see his file or make contact with anyone but if he is like the others he will just sit and wait for them to come to him but I'm sure his parents like mine would know about his true families past.

I expected my birth family to turn me away when I contacted them but they welcomed me back, I may not approve of a lot of things but the important thing is we get on. The closest is about an hours drive away so not too far but not too close, it's a bit like being 2 people living 2 seperate lives most of the time but it works. My real grandads (my dads dad) the same age as my dad here and he's just as entertaining!

[Jason Hinnel]

Hi all and thanks for those who have asked how it went.

 

I met up with the social worker as arranged. She had my full adoption file and had accessed Nickys too.

Our files are not the normal versions, they are very long and contain pretty much everything in great depth. Although I did want everything and also written proof of everything I did get several shocks.

Sadly I have decided that it is not in Nickys interest for me to make contact with him as I can't be the one who turns his life upside down so have to wait for him to search and ask.

 

There is just too much bad stuff in the files and I don't want to become his enemy by making him find out.

 

Although I really want to know he is okay and get to know him part of me hopes he never searches his past. I knew what to expect, something inside me always told me what I would find but Nicky really wouldn't have a clue.

 

Not the ending for now I wanted but I have to think of my brother and how it could affect his life.

 

By the way tuppie, he is very close to you or at least that's where he was adopted to.

 

I have a copy of my complete file which to be honest if anyone was to read it, it would probably make you sick.

 

I'm not going to say too much on here but will be sending private messages to a few of you so you will know what I mean.

 

If Nicky does ever decide to find out where he came from that will be great and I will be waiting for that time but until then I just have to hope he does and learn to be patient.

 

At least now I can stand up to the family and put them right on a few things when I have to because now I have it all in writing it's time some of them knew that.

 

I know one thing, both me and Nicky were very lucky to get away and start a new life.

 

I may add a little more on here when I get chance.

 

My minds been in quite a spin but know what I have to do now.

 

Will add a bit more very soon, perhaps even write a book!

[whitehorses]

Hi Jason,

I haven't posted on your thread since the beginning, when I wanted to offer you luck in your search.

I'm sorry you found some disturbing things along the way, but you can pat yourself on the back that you sound like you have led a good and useful life.

It shows how caring you are in that you don't want to ruin your brother's life.It must be a terrible decision to have had to make as you will always wonder about 'Nicky'.

At least you have been able to leave your details, should he want to search for you.In the meantime, you have the happiest life you can.

[Tuppie]

Hi Jason.

 

I am so sorry that the outcome is not good......will wait to hear from you.

 

Tuppie

[DoreenC]

Hi Jason,

I'm sure everyone was hoping that your search for your brother would be everything you'd wished for. I'm so disappointed for you that it hasn't worked out as you'd hoped.

You must be a very caring person to consider the effect on Nicky rather than what you want. Hopefully Nicky will, one day, look for you. When he does, he will find that he has a brother to be proud of.

Wishing you all the best for the future.

Regards,

Doreen

[Cass007]

Hi Jason,

I just read your post....I am a social worker in adoption, and I have counselled many adoptees about finding their birth families. I would advise you to use an Intermediary Service, somebody like After Adoption Yorkshire, who are very good and can offer you counselling and advice....or there is Norcap, another organisation for finding adopted people, but they are quite expensive.

I understand that you may feel at this time that you don't want to trace your birth family, but AAY (After Adoption Yorkshire) can offer you counselling to help you come to terms with this decision and guide you on the journey.

Please don't think that you're alone in this....there are people out there who are trained in offering you support and I hope that you can receive support from those around you.

Good luck!

Cass

[Jason Hinnel]

Hi everyone,

I'm quite gutted things didn't go the way as planned but on saying that at least I now know the full story. As for my brother who died I know exactly what happened, who did what and the reasons behind it which is one of the things I really wanted the proof on. No matter what the family have said I now know although it shouldn't have happened it was accidental even if it could have been avoided. ( well up to the point that although my natural dad did hit him several times he just lost his temper and the reasons behind it are all very clear now). Although I don't stand by him for what he did there is a much bigger story and despite what the rest say there is a lot of information they have not told me about mainly due to the fact that they have only protected theirselves as no one was innocent.

My parents who brought me up always put me first and had I not have been adopted my life would have been very different and if I could turn the clock back I wouldn't change being adopted for anything.

It's a shame my real parents didn't tell me the truth, it's taken a lot of hard work and time to find it all out but I got there in the end.

Had I have read my adoption file before finding them I wouldn't have gone through with it but people do change over time even if the lies never change!

 

I'll still continue to get on with them and bite my tongue at times but since I knew how far to trust everyone nothing really has changed.

 

I may not be speaking to Nicky this Christmas but I have lots of other things I didn't think I would get to the bottom of so thats a welcomed bonus.

 

Although I decided not to contact Nicky through social services there is still a chance he will see one of my many messages and make contact so still lots of hope on that one.