Adoption: Searching for adopted brother

[Jason Hinnel]

Ran out of space!

I'm not sure why I found out where I came from really, I guess always knowing I had a dead brother was the reason and wanted to find out what happened. Funny thing is I shouldn't have known about him, my parents here didn't know but for some unexplained reason I knew. I never thought there would be more of us so got the shock of my life. I never expected to get along or like any of the family so was another shock to discover we got on well.

I just wanted to stop wondering and find out, I never cared about why I was adopted as my life was perfect but it has done me good to know the truth even if some of it is not so nice.

Nicky is important to me and as far as I know he is the only one left for me to find and to know he is okay will be great.

I think he will understand why but if he doesn't I think it's a chance worth taking, after all we both have much in common so for me to contact him would be far better than other family members.

I have thought long and hard about it from both sides and it is very diffucult but I have to do what I feel is right but also do it in a way that is sensitive too for Nickys sake.

[Jason Hinnel]

I know finding Nicky does mean I have to cross a line which probably I shouldn't do but there is far worse things in life than being told you have a brother who has made the decision to find you, I have put a note in his file explaining why it was important to me to find him.

 

I always had the view that an adoptive child should only be the person who could search but my thoughts have changed a little over the past couple of years. Adoption affects other family members too so in a way I think anyone connected with an adoption should have the choice but I do agree with you it is difficult and can be unfair on an adopted person but maybe if it's been well thought about before reaching the decision to make contact and done in a thoughtful way maybe it is a good thing?

 

If you were contacted by social services saying a brother or sister had spent a couple of years deciding if they should try and make contact with you and it was done in a sensitive manner would you reply or ignore them? Sometimes when things happen your views can be changed like mine.

 

It's a far better way than someone come knocking at your door and I've even had to do that with some!

[Jason Hinnel]

Forgot to add that should anyone not want contact they do have the option to add their names on the non contact register and Nicky hasn't done that so unless I'm told different I have no reason to know he doesn't wish any contact with me.

 

It's great to hear views from everyone so please keep adding.

 

I'm kind of hoping Nicky will read this, maybe is watching already but I don't think adoption should be a big secret.

 

Dread to think where I would be now had I not been given up for adoption.

[CrazyDaisy]

Forgot to add that should anyone not want contact they do have the option to add their names on the non contact register and Nicky hasn't done that so unless I'm told different I have no reason to know he doesn't wish any contact with me.

 

It's great to hear views from everyone so please keep adding.

 

I'm kind of hoping Nicky will read this, maybe is watching already but I don't think adoption should be a big secret.

 

Dread to think where I would be now had I not been given up for adoption.

 

 

Hi again Jason!

 

I did read your posts earlier, but didn't really know how to reply to you....but now that I've seen your latest post, can I just say this....:

 

If someone is not on the non-contact register, that does not mean that they want to be contacted.

 

It could quite simply mean, that they haven't given the matter any serious thought, and that seeking birth relatives is not something that is high up on their life plan.

 

And to be honest, if someone HAD given the matter any serious thought, they are more than likely to have approached Social Services by now anyway and made headway for their own investigations.

 

With respect, as I read your posts, it feels as if you are intent on finding your brother - whether he wants or needs to be found, regardless.

 

Again, with respect, you have no idea what might be taking place in his life right now, and knocking on his door - as you say you 'had' to do before in previous searches is completely wrong.

 

Please just take a step back, and try to look at, and appreciate, the other side of the coin.

 

As I said yesterday, I totally respect your desire to find your roots, but please please think about whether forcing yourself into Nicky's life is the right thing to do...

 

If you ever fancy meeting up for a chat over a coffee (assuming you are in Sheffield) please PM me - despite how I may seem to you, the whole issue of tracing adoptee's is something very close to my heart and I have got 3 friends, who are all affected by adoption, one way or another, and I have had the most insightful discussions with.

 

I'm not trying to be argumentative with you, I promise, but am trying to almost 'warn' you (for the want of a better word) against perhaps being so bold.

 

Best regards - and I mean that about a coffee!

[Jason Hinnel]

Hi, I do understand where you're coming from and what you're saying. The world would be such a boring place if everyone thought the same and it's healthy for everyone to have different views.

I think a lot of things concerning adoption don't have right or wrong answers so it does mean a lot of times we have to do what we feel is right.

I wouldn't ever go knocking on Nicky's door but when I was trying to locate my natural father he was very hard to track down, I had spoken to a couple of aunties on his side and they introduced me to my grandad but everytime my real father had got into trouble he moved on and no one knew where he was. He rang me a couple of times but never said where he was living so in the end I surprised him and turned up. I didn't make things difficult and we got on really well and I ended up being the only person who knew pretty much everything about him.

When he was last arrested I had a sister he had kept apart from me and after he was locked up I contacted her and we now get on well. I guess I am bold at times but wouldn't say I go in like a bull in a china shop! I know the area Nicky went to but havent relayed that to the family as I don't want anyone driving around hunting.

I have put his details on many sites with no luck so all he has to do is reply saying he is okay and if he said he wanted no contact I would stop looking but until then I'm not sure stopping would be the right choice.

I'm not saying my choice is the right decision but for me it is and since I understand how he will feel towards his family who have brought him up I think out of everyone I am the best person to try and find him.

It could turn out really well but it could also end up with him not wanting to know but if I don't try I wont know and it seems a shame to waste years waiting if it turns out he is happy to speak with me.

Will pm you, Healthy lively conversations never hurt anyone!

 

I went to social services about 4 years ago but got a very unhelpful person and i ended up walking away thinking okay so I'll have to do it myself so it's possible Nicky has asked but didn't get anywhere and gave up.

[hillsbro]

I think you're quite right, Jason, but as you suggest, these things are never black & white. Two years ago I helped my wife's aunt (by adoption) Hazel to find her natural mother. She was living in a Harrogate nursing home - but sadly she had died, aged 94, just two months before we found her address. So Hazel will never know whether or not her mum would have wanted any contact. Such contact might have gladdened her declining years, but of course if she had not wanted to make contact, Hazel would have understood.

[Jason Hinnel]

I think in circumstances like this we have to way up the situation and just do what we feel is best, At the end of the day life can be too short and it does seem a waste to sit and wait if there is an option to do something.

There are a lot of people who search with no luck for most of their life and when a connection can be made to me it just seems wrong not to take action, I still believe it should be done in a proper way not to cause anyone problems but as it is important to me it has to be the right choice for me although I can understand why some would choose not to.

[andco]

I've read this entire thread which I've only just found & I'd just like to add that I'm not entirely sure I'd go along with some of the reasoning I've read because I happen to know an adopted young person currently c. 23 who is keen to contact their birth family but has not done so out of fear and apprehension of the reception they'll receive rather thanfor any other reason. I am assured by their adoptive mother who is a personal contact that their adopted child has definitely given the matter very considerable thought and looked in to various lines of enquiry. The adoptive mother has offered to give their adopted child all the support they want and need. I accept this is not always the case.

 

I also know of a case where a family have adopted a child, I think just before the new laws came in to force and they met the birth mother who had to agree to the family before the adoption could go ahead.

 

It is really a very tricky situation to manage and in my view - for what it's worth - this is just one of those instances where you have to play it by gut feel and take your own judgment call. I reckon you need the wisdom of Solomon to get this one right.

[Jason Hinnel]

I think probably every person has a different view on what should be done about trying to contact an adopted person and I thi8nk it does mostly come down to what we feel we should do.

 

A mate from school who was adopted was in contact with her natural mother from birth and spent weekends with her and I always thought it was a bit odd, her adoptive parents were all for it, Although I didn't think at the time it was normal or a good idea it worked for them so that's all that mattered but it wouldn't have been what I wanted.

 

If it was someone looking for me I would prefer someone trying to find me online rather than social services getting in touch which is the main reason why I've held back with social services.

 

There are always horror stories about finding families but there are also a lot of good endings, I think the main thing I found which is hard to get my head around is when siblings just stop contact for no reason! I think it's mainly down to the fact that because I was brought up in a different area my life is very different and I look at life differently, the main thing being my parents were always hard working and always around for me so I've had to get use to some of the family being difficult and get on with my life and let them get on with it!

 

My real father has wasted his own life and because my view on him is throw away the key some don't like it but I don't care, He has always been trouble and always will be and the furthest I am away from him the better so if those who are under his thumb want to side with him and ignore me that probably is not such a bad idea!

 

Someone once told me life never runs smoothly so why should finding your family go any better and I guess it's very true.

 

No one else in the family has made any efforts to find Nicky so I'm doing it for me, If he wants contact with them that has to be his choice.

 

Can't believe time goes by so fast! Doesn't seem 5 minutes since I started this thread. Nice to see it's still being read.

[Jason Hinnel]

I always expected to be turned away by my natural mother but it didn't happen which was a big shock, After spending many years thinking about who and where they were I found there's only one way to find out.

 

I think an adopted person does fear the thought of rejection but if you don't try you will never know and i still think finding out is far better than wondering, But on saying that it's important for everyone to be prepared for what could happen.

I've spoken to some who go into it expecting everything to go brilliantly and when it doesn't they are devastated so I do think a lot of common sense and a little understanding that they were given up once is vital.

Just because we want to find someone doesn't mean the other person(s) want what we want.

Having adopted parents behind you in finding out has to be a great thing, Having someone there to talk it through with can help make it much easier.

 

I waited until the day came when I knew now was the right time so maybe if someone is unsure they should wait a little longer because once you start there's no going back.