Adoption: Searching for adopted brother

[sandaz3]

i have read through your posts and think it's time i stood up for myself. you said we didn't know walters name or rather squeak as we call him or where he was buried or even cared. well wasn't i the one that took you to his grave on the first day i met you i kept nothing from you i welcomed you with open arms no matter what. we used to go visit squeak every sunday teatime and i only stopped going 13years ago. how could you say he was forgotten i never forgot the little car that mum had of his it was an estate with 2 dogs sticking out of the back. that poor little boy didn't need to die in such agony and their are no excuses i don't care what the reasons were you said your dad didn't kill him and that the police fitted him up when you knew all the time he had. you had a good up bringing by wonderful people did you think we never thought about you we always knew you were out their and i longed for you to come back. it was hard. i went to school with your dads brother and it was a constant reminder of the man who murdered my brother. when you phoned that day i told you i knew who you were i did my best for you i even gave you your dads number i rang everyone with that name in the phone book and got a result. mother wasn't a fit mother but me and my other brother did nothing wrong but we got hurt in all this. sometimes people don't think that their actions can hurt others who are innocent you told me once to stick up for myself and say what i want to say so now i am. you are the best thing that happened to me for along time i wish you well with whatever you decide to do with nicky and i hope he has had the same sort of life as you cause adoption really was the best thing for you just wish whey had taken me and my other brother instead of just putting us in foster care. i too read my social services file.

[robbiecat]

i have been reading your poignant story and I think you should just keep pursuing all avenues until you find your brother, we only have one life right!

[doyle]

I have been following this story for a while now and am wondering whether you are still looking for Nicky.

[Jason Hinnel]

Just to let everyone know sandaz3 is my big sis! Mind you there are some other family members keeping an eye on this but as yet have not posted any messages.

 

My big sis was the first person in the family I spoke to and probably the only reason I stuck around. We have had our differences of opinion but I guess thats just a brother & sister thing!

 

Sorry big sis but I do have to put you right on a few things, sorry if you don't like it but it's only right.

You knew Walters name but not his middle name, date of birth, date of death or why he was dead. You did take me to the cemetry but you didn't know his exact location which is why we both went to the council to see if they could help and we didn't get anywhere as they didn't have records we wanted, and also the fact that he never had an upkept grave didn't help. As for his nickname squeak, I never use it and never will for reasons I'm keeping to myself.

As for my real dad being a killer, I never had any proof until very recently on what really did happen and it's true I was unsure if he was guilty or not but to be fair you did say to me a long time ago mum could have done it.

Also you didn't give me my dads number, you gave me my sisters number and it was hard work locating him but I did in the end.

So it's not fair to say I knew all the time he had done it when I wasn't sure who did what, you all knew from day one I was out to find the truth which in the end I did. Everyone wanted me to hate my dad and wanted me to know he was a killer but no one ever wanted to tell me why or the whole truth.I was the one who got a copy of his death certificate, no one else ever did. There are those in the family who said it was none of my business and I was a trouble causer but at the same time never told me the truth even though I asked many times.

 

Theres been a lot rumours over what really happened to walter and they are all false, as yet I havent told anyone the truth and the reason for that is I don't want to cause upset in the family.

[Jason Hinnel]

I do get tired of people making comments about my real dad when they don't know the full story, it would help if they knew what he really did do , when , where, why and who was there at the time!How can you make a comment without what he did do?

As you know i don't stand by him and never will, Just because he is guilty doesn't make others innocent and if this had happened today my dad wouldn't have been the only one who got sent down.

 

You once told me if I found Nicky you wouldn't speak to me again, but Nicky means as much as anyone else and thats why I aint giving up.

 

It's funny at times, I had a good upbringing but in a big family and I was always the odd one out being adopted, It's not much different with my real family at times but I'm use to it. I always have the balls to finish what I start and I mostly I am strong but a lot gets to me, This board is a good place to put my thoughts and stay sane.

 

To those in the family that don't like me tough, Those in glass houses shouldn't throw stones!

 

And finally to my big sis, you know I wouldn't do or say anything to hurt you, I wouldn't to mum either, True she was a bad mother, mainly because her parents were bad parents too, mum once said she hadn't had a pleasant life but then she was in care a few times too as a child because social services took them away. She's a very different person now though but still doesn't let much slip about the past.

 

And one final thing, Walter was definately not a quiet baby, he cried most nights all night craving for attention he never got, had he not have died he probably would have been taken into care. How do I know all that? Social services keep very detailed files which I now have copies of.

[Jason Hinnel]

Hi doyle, Yes I am still searching and it keeps getting closer, I have had someone contact me who was born on 21st November 1973 and adopted September 1974 in the right area so a lot of work to be done on that to find out if it really is Nicky but I'll only stop searching when i find him. Social services could contact him within 2 weeks of me asking them but for now I'd rather try the other ways first.

 

If he is watching this I really hope he posts a message and say hello.

[sandaz3]

i will never regret the day you came into my life i suppose we will always have our differences. can i just say that i did know walters middle name over the years dates and other things i forgot mum shouldn't have though. you know you don't have to be adopted to feel the odd one out. i never ment to upset you and never said that i wouldn't talk to you again if you found nicky i said i didn't want to see him for reasons of my own. mum is as much to blame for walter as anyone if she looked after her children they way a mother should then maybe none of this would have happened. i don't know the facts thats true but ask mum anything as you know and you won't get an answer. walters grave would never have gotten into such a state if she had cared but it has but don't think he is forgotten i told you their was a party or something going on that night he died and am still convinced about it. i don't know very much about your past but what i do know is that you are my brother and all this must hurt you so much i am so sorry you came back and found all of this. as far as nicky is concerned i have grown up alot over these last couple of years and hope he is happy and very well and i wouldn't want him hurt by all this. good luck with it all............. proud to be your big sis xxx

[Jason Hinnel]

I think mum perhaps feels guilty which could explain why she locks the past away.

Maybe I should just say what happened and get it out in the open once and for all,

Mum wasn't telling us the truth about my dad hitting him while she was cooking the tea so didn't actually see it.

 

The truth is and i don't mind saying it as i have the files now,

 

Walter was a baby who cried everynight, all night as he didn't get much attention, the care you two older ones got was only just borderline to leave you at home, Walter was too young to be cared for and dad was the one who would get up in the night to try and calm him not mum. He had done this for quite some time and what no one knew was he didn't like crying babies or any other constant noise. he got up to walter in the early hours and couldn't calm Walter so he cried even more, then he lost it and hit him, both he and mum were in shock over what he had just done and they both froze.

Mums statement said he had always been very supportive with all her children and he had never done anything to either her or the children before.

He was arrested and charged with murder but at court the charge was dropped to manslaughter for several reasons, mainly because he had looked after 3 children well up to that point who mum stated were not his.

When I was born I was admitted to hospital at 7 weeks old and stayed there for a long time, I then returned and was put into foster care at the Hydes ( Mrs hyde was bodell before she married) on my first birthday so I actually spent most of my first year with you all. Social services said if I wasn't put up for adoption they would remove me, Naturally mum was affected by what happened and I was so much like Walter to look at it caused problems. Auntie G helped to look after me. When mum was pregnant with Nicky she knew he would be taken away so chose to have him adopted.

There are those that say my dad was only trying to do the right thing and he got put on so much he snapped which is I suppose partly true, it still doesn't give the right to have done it which is why since I got the proof I have made it known to him I am waiting for the day he gets out, mind you I doubt he ever will as theres been a lot going off on that point for a few months.

[Jason Hinnel]

Keep running out of space!

It would have been easier for mum and the family to just speak the truth but then they would have to say they were also at fault and the picture they give is they are always right.

Yes Walter did suffer a violent and painful death but the file does say it was accidental up to the point dad didn't mean to harm Walter and because he flipped with the crying his actions were not entirely under control.

Since that day dad has never been around babies because of the fear of a baby crying. I think deep down he too wishes he could turn back the clock but he knew what I would do if he had told me the truth so maybe it's my fault he didn't. He was wrong in what he did but it certainly isn't how it has been put to us, After all I asked mum why he hit walter and everytime she said she didn't know. And through all that she was planning her next wedding!

Don't take this the wrong way but I'm glad I didn't stay, If I could turn the clock back and change the past I maybe wouldn't have been adopted and I never regret that.

I was always told I was to selfish to have any brothers or sisters but it was the best day of my life when we spoke, At least I was ready for the can of worms but I would never regret finding you all.

Everyone has their faults but I think mum has tried her best in the time I've known her, I think at the end of the day she didn't know how to love because no one had ever shown her what it meant and in a strange way I feel sorry for her even if she did neglect her children back then but then you didn't turn out too bad so she did somethings right! Not wanting to sound a snob but the area didn't help matters being surrounded by poverty as mums family were then. All thats mentioned in detail in the files too.

[sandaz3]

we went into foster care quite a few times and i know the conditions in which we were kept can't say looked after we also went to bodels. thank you for being honest you are about the only one who is. i suppose mum is regretting a lot of things now sadly to late.... i think i must follow in her footsteps at being a s**t mother. do what you have to to make yourself happy this is a mess to have to find luv sis xxx