Malanimal Posted November 19, 2007 Share Posted November 19, 2007 My entry on the November theme: 15 minutes. I randomly chose a bit of news that peaked my interest, I think it would be best read without reading the news article first, which is linked here. All criticism/comments welcome! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
sauerkraut Posted November 20, 2007 Share Posted November 20, 2007 That's a very impressive first (?) contribution! I'm glad I did as you suggested and read the story before the news article. That way the story keeps you guessing: what exactly are the characters planning? I like the way you build up to the "finale," with little nudges along the way to remind the reader of the setting/location and to give a few more clues about the characters. A couple of comments from me which you may or may not wish to take on board: Description of Simon in paragraph 2: I don't think you need to use both metaphors - in my view they don't fit well together. The anecdote about the supermarket, where Simon says, "...she...just...handed me the change": perhaps "paid up" would be better, as it's the shop assistant who hands out change, not the customer. "Simon ...wanted to warm her thin limbs and feel the warmth that they must cast": if they need warming, they won't cast much warmth! Maybe something like, "wanted to hold her to him and warm her thin limbs"? Near the end when they see the car, "They'll be other...": Typo -should be "There'll be other..." Hope that might be of some use! Good story, and a good "take" on the theme. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Malanimal Posted November 25, 2007 Author Share Posted November 25, 2007 Thanks for the compliment! And the tips, especially Description of Simon in paragraph 2: I don't think you need to use both metaphors - in my view they don't fit well together. hadn't thought about the "half moon" being a metaphor at all - duh! Thought I could merge them together: Simon looked at Kate, his face was a segmented juicy fruit, pitted orange in the street light Alright, maybe not... Perhaps: Simon looked at Kate, the dusky half moon of his face impacted with the scars of time. Or my eventual favourite: Simon looked at Kate, the pitted orange of his face cut by the dark shadows of the leaves above him. All good fun, cheers. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
pattricia Posted November 25, 2007 Share Posted November 25, 2007 Yes, Im impressed as well. Well done. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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