Story:' A Matter of Time.'

[Hopman]

Taking as a basis one of Mantaspook's ideas and then expanding it partially to include a news story, here is my November contribution.

 

A matter of time.

 

Sorry about the length; I wonder if revision would shorten it, but i think the story has potential for longer treatment.

 

I've invented a Policeman on to the forum, so don't try sending him PMs. (On no account try phoning as he works night shifts!!!)

[Malanimal]

Overall it was good stuff, I liked the development of the accidental friendship, the Sheffield references sat well and the science was vaugue and convincing enough. Read like a John Wyndham short.

 

The beginning did not totally carry me. When Dr Bauer asked "Do you have time today?", it seems sudden that our narrator should go with him to the University. Perhaps just expanding to:

 

“Do you have time today?” he asked.

I nodded, I had the afternoon off and all that was waiting for me at home were a few long delayed housekeeping chores.

 

Also when the narrator states he looked on the internet it sounds a but too planned. Perhaps make it more like he was sat at work, idly surfing the internet over luch, when the town occured to him and he looked it up.

 

As you stated, it could do with some fleshing out as it does feel quite rushed. Having the narrator see the accident first time off felt a bit too coincidental, it could still naturally occur to him to use he machine afterwards.

 

I read a similar story some time ago (perhaps by Greg Egan) where the protagonist becomes obsessed with seeing what has happened, not in the distant past, but just weeks previously. Is an excellent topic. Who knows how many dark secrets the Arts Tower may hold:)

[coyleys]

Nice one Hopman

As you say it has potential and I suspect a bit of espionage here, I agree with Malanimal “the science was vague but convincing enough” best keep it that way or you could spark off a heated debate from the SF geeks on the fundamental principles of particle physics, pointing no finger, Mantas.

Good man

[Mantaspook]

Hi Hopman,

 

I’m impressed that you ran with my idea and I think you did a very good job, Malanimal has already raised some excellent valid points which I agree with so here are a few extra suggestions.

 

Firstly the size of the story; to me it seemed the right length and you got the story across in a concise and economical manner, however, their developing friendship seemed a little rushed and would have benefited from a more thoughtful approach, rather than the narrator admit he’d never heard of Jena it may have made the friendship more plausible if he’d replied “Why yes, I was stationed there after the war, I helped get the Zeiss factory running again, Jena’s a lovely town.”

 

And this line:

 

“What do you know about that?” he retorted in a brusque manner.

 

Doesn’t suggest a friendly reply, it could be replaced with something like this:

 

”What do you know about that?” he asked, smiling.

 

Notice it’s the same speech but the adverb modifiers (brusque / smiling) inform the reader of the tone of the sentence.

 

I liked what you did with the “science” loved the word ‘Chronoptics’ (sounds better than optic-chronograph) and as pointed out by the previous posters it is almost believable.

 

Responding to the above accusation that I am a sci-fi geek interested in the fundamental principles of particle physics, I utterly refute that! However, I would have mentioned that in Einstein’s general relativity theory the velocity of light appears to vary with the intensity of the gravitational field, thus introducing the concept of a mini-black hole within the chronoptic device. Mr Coyleys

 

You could build some tension into the story about the device exploding, although whether it would cause more disruption than the new ring road would be debatable.

 

Incidentally I once read a book called ‘amazing days’ by Arthur C. Clarkes – in it he tells the story of the ‘Amazing stories’ editor who rejected any story where the humans acted implausibly with the writers ‘scientific inventions’ - the basis for this was that the sci-fi readers were willing to suspend their disbelief concerning robots and spaceflight etc. but expected the humans to interact in a natural, rational way with this new technology.

 

Three loose ends that need a bit of work:

 

1. Dr Brauer’s dizzy spell: Not really explained and not that important to the story anyway, maybe delete and replace with …a pile of books fell over and the telescope was sent sideways, a frost covered pipe was knocked off ”

 

2. When the narrator exclaims “We’re looking into the future!” the doctors response (“I haven’t time for that now. We’re getting too hot”) seems unrealistic, the new scientific breakthrough is dismissed and it lacks some urgency.

 

Possible alternative: The doctor looked stunned for a moment at the scene on the monitor, not only had the cooling towers gone but the Tinsley viaduct had an extra level and at that moment a sleek monorail train powered past the cars below as if they were standing. With a huge bang the monitor went blank “It’s too hot!” shouted the doctor “Help me get the pipe back on!”

 

3. The way the narrator reports the incident to the police was unrealistic, it may have been better to say he posted an anonymous letter or that he knew the policeman on the forum.

 

An excellent story Hopman, You’ve inspired me - I’m going to post a sequel to this story before the end of the month. Now, where’s my book on particle physics gone?

[coyleys]

Responding to the above accusation that I am a sci-fi geek interested in the fundamental principles of particle physics, I utterly refute that! However, I would have mentioned that in Einstein’s general relativity theory the velocity of light appears to vary with the intensity of the gravitational field, thus introducing the concept of a mini-black hole within the chronoptic device. Mr Coyleys

 

An excellent story Hopman, You’ve inspired me - I’m going to post a sequel to this story before the end of the month. Now, where’s my book on particle physics gone?

 

I knew it, I just knew it, you couldn’t resist it, could you Mantas.

It’s the red flag to a bull scenario.

[pattricia]

I liked this because the narrative was good.