Story: 'The vagabond.'

[MWhateley]

I wont go mad and upload all my stories at once. I just thought I would upload a couple to give you an idea of my level. Here is one I wrote a few years ago. It was a short story to introduce a character. I have got plans for a book about this character called primevil soup, although that is only a working title. I hope you enjoy it.

 

 

The Vagabond.

[sauerkraut]

Welcome to the group! I've only read Vagabond so far and it was a good yarn. I would say you have a very straightforward, no-nonsense way of writing that gets the story told without any fancy messing about. I could imagine older boys enjoying your narrative.

 

Here's a few points I noticed which you might like to think about. Or not, as the case may be ! (Disclaimer: These are purely points that struck me as a reader - I am no professional!)

 

When Steve arrives as the boat, Tom leaves and the next para begins with something like "Tom grabbed his panniers..." It should be Steve who does the grabbing!

 

When Steve finds his friend on the rock it didn't quite ring true to me that he should be "momentarily startled" by something he "half expected"

 

For the most part, the story assumes the reader has some sea-faring knowledge, and terminology isn't explained. That works fine as the meaning is usually clear from the context. But sometimes things are explained (navigation station for instance) which the knowledgeable reader would probably know anyway. I think it might work better to be more consistent, i.e. choose between explaining and not explaining.

 

For me, there were one or two points where finding the next clue was a bit too much of a co-incidence (finding the dropped receipt, happening to turn up at just the right time to eavesdrop on the conversation between the two villains) Just an idea, but might it work better if the old man had overheard more than he should, perhaps including a conversation about the boat repairs? That would also give another reason why he had to be "dealt with".

 

Finding the Grey Lady: "stuck out like a sore thumb" is a bit too much of a cliche. How about a simple "It was impossible to overlook her" ?

 

Calling the police: considering what the villains are up to, "time to call in the big guns" is a bit of an unfortunate turn of phrase! (Unless humour was intentional). Perhaps "time to call in reinforcements"?

 

Oh and I spotted a typo at the end where the Grey Lady becomes the Lady Grey.

 

Hope some of that is useful! Look forward to reading more from you soon.

[MWhateley]

Thanks for the comments mate. I do need to revise the work. I wrote it a few years ago and never really got around to revising it properly. You make some very good points and I will take them into consideration when I review it.

 

There was a typo that I did see just before I submitted it to this site which amused me. Steve got onto a bike in hendon and got out of a mini in scotland originally. Maybe his bike was a transformer.

[scotty225]

Hello, and thanks for posting a very interesting story. The knowledge and authority behind the writing is evident in its quality and as a result the story is very clear. I feel that it stands alone as a solid story but also as the beginning of a larger intrigueing tale.

 

There are a few things that struck me about it however and please do not be offended by these comments as they are only my personal feelings.

 

I feel that the story lacks sound, colour and texture within the narrative at times when it is most needed as there is little descriptive element to it. An example of this is the first page when he is setting off on the bike, as a reader the exact model number of the bike though interesting is almost irelevant but to have it described in some way that gives me an dea of its colour, smell and its feel, perhaps an analogy to a wild animal or a one night stand, would have made it real in my imagination as I read the passage.

Another example was when the man was being rescued from the rocks in the middle of the sea. The scene was dramatised by saying in the narrative that "someones life was at risk and he was not going to hang about." But how did he feel, had he saved a life before, was he scared, did it bring back the feer of conflict, death of comrades?

 

There are many other examles but these are just two.

 

I found it very dificult to empathise with the characters in the story. To do this I need to understand how they are experiencing their life.

 

You obviously know the subject matter and the scenes link well, but without the emotional content it read very flat like a policemans report, accurate, but professionaly detatched.

[MWhateley]

Thanks mate. Yes it is the starting of a bigger tale. There is a novel all planned out and ready to go and this short story is to inroduce the characters and explain how he became the owner of the boat. I want to make sure I have got the character and situation just right before starting on the bigger story.

 

I take on board what you, and a few others, have said about reading like a report. Fair comment and I will try and address it.