Story: The Tunnel.

[Mantaspook]

If you think this story (the rat trap) gives you nightmares watch out for "The Tunnel" coming soon....(Cue Evil laugh soundtrack) MuHuh Hah Hah Hah

 

First a coffin story, next The Tunnel!

 

I demand a Public Health Warning when The Tunnel appears! I'm having hypnotherapy to get me to sleep at night now!

 

 

.......................................This story contains a public health warning.

 

..............................................The Tunnel

 

“I see a little silloett-o of a man! scaramouche! Scaramouche! Can you do the fandango?”

Frank Tandy punched off his car radio in disgust; he didn’t like the rock opera that was the present number one at all.

 

Up ahead, on the right hand side of the road was the “Green Man” pub; he decelerated and turned into the car park, stopping at the side of the underwater search teams van, as he stepped out of the car he adjusted his tie and took in his surroundings, by the front door were two men, one of them was writing in a notebook and nodding.

 

Frank bellowed “Bennett!”

 

Detective Sergeant Bennett, who was deep in conversation with the pub landlord, raised his head and came trotting down the bank.

 

“Hello guv, you got my message then?”

 

“Just go through the facts again Bennett, he was definitely on the boat when it entered the tunnel wasn’t he?”

 

“Yes sir, the pub landlord and three other witnesses saw the man on the stern of the boat as it entered the tunnel. When the boat emerged at the other end approximately fifteen minutes later it was empty.”

 

“You’re sure he didn’t just get off at the other end?”

 

“Yes sir, the boat collided with another narrow boat that had just come out of the lock, causing quite a bit of damage, the other boat owner was furious and jumped aboard the boat to remonstrate with the captain but there was no one on board.”

 

“What time did it collide with the other boat?”

 

“About 3 o’clock, sir.”

 

At that moment, what looked like three black footballs floated out of the tunnel, Frank said “Have we got any bread to feed the ducks?” as the three divers head and shoulders broke the surface and they made their way to the bank.

 

Frank walked down the grass bank and waved to them.

 

Pushing his facemask up one of the men shouted “You’re not going to believe this guv, there’s no body!”

 

“You’re right Jonesy, I don’t bloody believe it – you’ll have to go back in.”

 

“We’ve been from one end of the tunnel to the other and back again and it’s not there.”

 

“Don’t be bloody stupid! – it’s got to be in there somewhere!”

 

“WELL IT BLOODY WELL ISN’T!”

 

“What’s up Jonesy?”

 

“It’s a long tunnel guv.”

 

“Get away! It’s only a third of a mile and the water, it’s what? five foot deep? My arthritic granny could wade through there and trip over the body.”

 

“Good, give her a ring then” Said Jonesy. “Alan has cut his hand, looks like it’ll need stitches.”

 

“Oh for Christ’s sake, I’ve got the water board on my back and two bloody armadas of narrow boats at each end trying to get through!”

 

“Well we need to be three abreast going down the tunnel or we might miss something...”

 

“…Yet again” said Frank, he glanced at his watch, ignoring Jonesy’s sullen glare.

 

“Look Guv, we’ll have to pack it in for today unless a uniform or your granny gets a wetsuit on.”

 

“Have you got a suit that’ll fit me?”

 

Jonesy smirked. “Yeah I reckon… if we let it out at the seams”

 

“Cheeky sod! Right, get one of the uniforms to take Alan to the hospital and I’ll get kitted out…

 

----------------------------------------------------------------------------

 

 

When Frank entered the tunnel with the other two divers the first thing that struck him was that there was no light at the end of the tunnel, Jonesy told him there was a bend in the middle, and that both tunnel ends could only be seen from the centre of the tunnel.

 

The water was cold, Frank wasn’t as fit as he should be, so he lagged behind the other two divers as they walked on ahead, the water lapped up to their chins as their torches played on the tunnels roof.

 

For the first fifteen minutes they moved along in a shallow V formation, Frank in the centre, when his left leg came up against something, he glanced down, unable to see anything, he submerged his masked face and groped about in front of him, his hands touched something metallic, metal tubes, a wheel…some sort of pram. He dropped it and surfaced.

 

The other two divers hadn’t noticed his absence and were about twenty feet ahead. Between them and Frank was a circular shaft of light that came from the roof of the tunnel, an airshaft.

 

Frank walked into the circle of light; the end of the tunnel was now in sight, remembering what Jonesy had said he turned around and saw the other end, a distant archway of light.

 

The circle of light surrounding him shimmered and grew smaller.

 

He looked straight up the airshaft, his eyes, behind his smeared mask, took a few seconds to adjust, he noticed straight away that the airshaft wasn’t a perfect circle, it was more like a semi circle, as though he was witnessing a solar eclipse.

 

He pushed up his mask and stared up the airshaft, a black bulge on the wall of the airshaft was motionless above his head.

Shading his eyes from the sunlight he looked at the bulge, as his eyes adjusted to the gloom he saw eight pinpricks of red light reflected back at him.

 

Suddenly the bulge leapt to the centre of the airshaft and plummeted towards him, a cold draft of air was pushed before it, hitting Frank’s face, he tried to leap out of the way but the cloying, muddy water fought him.

 

His torch flicked upwards and the light revealed the most terrifying sight Frank had ever seen, instinctively he threw the torch at it and redoubled his efforts to escape, he yelled as he battled through the water towards his startled colleagues.

 

He was still yelling when he was lead, trembling and incoherent from the tunnel by the other two divers who had gone back to rescue him.

 

“WHAT THE HELL HAS HAPPENED JONESY?” shouted Bennett.

 

“PANIC ATTACK, HE SAW A BLOODY SPIDER AND LOST IT!”

 

Frank Tandy was still yelling when the ambulance crew strapped him to the stretcher and took him away to an early retirement.

 

............................................Click Here to continue…If you dare. (It's not that scary...)

[Hopman]

I'm surprised no-one has commented on either the story written above or the continuation linked to.

They are both scary, although the above one is a touch far fetched. A massive dose of exaggeration makes the possible terrifying.

One point about the second story: Since there is a newspaper report involved, I don't think the impact font is the easiest read.

[coyleys]

Give us time Hopman, it took me all day to read it, I had to keep popping the nerve tablets.

Other than “Excellent Mantas” I have no comments; it was well worth waiting for.

Good Man.

[scotty225]

Best thing I've read for a while. Although I was on to the ending quite early in the story it was such a well told yarn it kept me on my toes to the end to find out how you were going to do it.

There are slight similarities to my story (arachnid) though I had not read your story until the day after I posted mine. Your story however is quite accomplished and I am looking forward to reading more of your work.

[sauerkraut]

OK I've braved it and read the first story, though I'm not sure I'm quite ready for the continuation yet. Your descriptions are just too vivid, Mantaspook: first the looming, indefinite "black bulge," then "eight pinpricks of red light" ... aargh, I'm running away already! Horrifying to think you can't run away because you're hampered by muddy water. This will do wonders for my sense of peace and relaxation when I go on my narrowboating holiday this Easter. Thanks, Manta

[Mantaspook]

Thanks for the comments so far folks, still no word from Redrobbo, not even a note from his psychiatrist this time… I guess he must be busy at the moment.

 

I do take on Hopman’s assertion that the story is a little far fetched, but then again, any story involving a huge man-eating spider would have to be classed thus.

 

In a story like this you have to invite the readers to suspend their disbelief, usually, they are willing to do this as long as the author remains faithful to the conventions they had originally established.

 

However, the author has to be careful not to write something that just doesn’t add up, causing the reader to exclaim “I don’t believe that!” and forcing them out of the story.

 

To be honest, the first part of this story could be deleted, it is merely back story for the real writing that takes place in the second section, you could read either of the two sections first. The first section was originally an early draft that was abandoned when I decided to concentrate on David & Zara’s characters.

 

This will do wonders for my sense of peace and relaxation when I go on my narrowboating holiday this Easter. Thanks, Manta

 

D’you know, I E-mailed a copy of this story to a friend that owns a narrow boat and he said exactly the same thing, more or less, once you’ve deleted all the swearwords.

 

Enjoy your boating holiday Sauerkraut! Remember, if you go in a tunnel you’ll be perfectly safe if you put up an umbrella. A Remington repeater shotgun may also be handy in a confined space.

[Ron Blanco]

Hi Mantaspook,

 

I read the continuation first and then later read about Frank's demise. By reading it in that order I knew what was going to happen to Frank whilst he was blissfully unaware, which I think improved that story for me. "Watch out Frank, don't go in the tunnel" I was saying to myself.

 

Regarding the main story, I thought it showed real quality:

 

the pub sign "hanging at an appropriately drunken angle" made me laugh.

 

A few other sections I also found particularly effective:

 

"The dark oak panels that covered the walls seemed to suck the light out of the room"

 

"The terrified bulging eyes stared out of the canvas, silently imploring you to run."

 

"His eyes followed her hungrily"

 

These helped me to picture the scene and to feel i was in it.

 

As you said in your previous message sometimes the reader may also exclaim " I don't believe that" and this happened several times to me:

 

1. Using a tree as a landmark to guide him. I couldn't picture this - perhaps if you had described the tree in more detail I could have pictured it. All we know is that it was big. How about...

 

"A prominent oak, eerily bereft of leaves with branches reaching out like witches claws"

 

2. There was no embrace when they first met. I expected a bit of passion and for Zara to run out to greet him.

 

3. Zara's comment "Blind as well as stupid" seemed a bit harsh as David was just "unaware" rather than "blind"

 

4. David putting on the aftershave he found in her mirror cabinet. It didn't seem right to me. The jealousy did though!

 

5. The scene where he makes Zara an offer for the painting seemed of questionable authenticity to me. Considering he's an expert and presumably very successful (judging by his porsche) he seemed to handle it ineptly.

 

6. When David said "I understand your dad was a bit of a drinker" I couldn't work out how he knew (but perhaps I missed something here)

 

7. When she pulled out the scrapbook I later wondered if she would have done this. I suppose she could have taunted him like this though - who can say how such a sinister mind works?

 

8. The newspaper report of Murdoch's tunnel was a little long I thought and had a few aspects which caused me to raise an eyebrow. Firstly "666" yards - perhaps that reference to Beelzebub has been over-used! Secondly that anyone could suspect he had fallen overboard, considering that a narrowboat would have a top speed of about 2mph in a tunnel. Thirdly that the navvies would have strung up the surveyor as a result of losing their bonus.

 

9. Finally I wasn't sure how David was planning to take advantage of Zara and get his hands on her assets! Was he hoping to marry her after divorcing his own wife? To steal them? To buy them at bargain prices? To bump her off? I wasn't sure.

 

Most of these are small points which probably didn't bother other people, but i am just letting you know my thoughts as I read through.

 

I really enjoyed reading both stories though Mantaspook and my admiration for you still rises.

[Mantaspook]

Thanks Ron, I’ll take your points and explain what I was trying to achieve.

 

1. Using a tree as a landmark to guide him. I couldn't picture this - perhaps if you had described the tree in more detail I could have pictured it. All we know is that it was big. How about...

 

"A prominent oak, eerily bereft of leaves with branches reaching out like witches claws"

 

A good point, I originally pictured the landmark tree as something absolutely massive, 300 feet tall whilst all the other trees are 20 feet tall, but I didn’t state that. You’re right, some unique feature of the tree needs emphasizing.

 

2. There was no embrace when they first met. I expected a bit of passion and for Zara to run out to greet him.

 

I wrote it that way to hint that her ardour was cooling for him; I think this fitted in with her cool, calculating manner.

 

3. Zara's comment "Blind as well as stupid" seemed a bit harsh as David was just "unaware" rather than "blind"

 

Yes, I thought that too when I wrote it, however it gave a first hint of the contempt she feels for him. Originally I was going to have the spider sat in a tree, watching his arrival, but decided not too as that would have given the game away too early.

 

4. David putting on the aftershave he found in her mirror cabinet. It didn't seem right to me. The jealousy did though!

 

This was deliberate, I wanted to show that David was a user and would take things without asking. Also Zara’s comment about him “smelling like a lawyer I used to know” (past tense) hints at a visitor that has been despatched already. Likewise, her thought about dumping his car ‘with the rest’ at the end.

 

Did you notice that lawyers & art dealers were the type of men that her mother had problems with?

 

5. The scene where he makes Zara an offer for the painting seemed of questionable authenticity to me. Considering he's an expert and presumably very successful (judging by his porsche) he seemed to handle it ineptly.

 

I largely agree with you, but I was trying to show how inept he was, and how he had seriously underestimated Zara by offering to buy the painting at a ridiculously low price, showing the reader that he is a man of low morals that tries to take advantage.

 

6. When David said "I understand your dad was a bit of a drinker" I couldn't work out how he knew (but perhaps I missed something here)

 

He instantly knew who Angela Tandy was, also the Sylvia Plath comment and the “tempestuous relationship” remark implied he had read up on them as a couple. I’ll have another look at that; perhaps it could be made clearer.

 

7. When she pulled out the scrapbook I later wondered if she would have done this. I suppose she could have taunted him like this though - who can say how such a sinister mind works?

 

That wasn’t my intention, although with Zara who knows? This was just a device to inform the reader of the back story, hopefully in a condensed manner and thus avoiding pages of unrealistic dialogue to say the same thing.

 

8. The newspaper report of Murdoch's tunnel was a little long I thought and had a few aspects which caused me to raise an eyebrow. Firstly "666" yards - perhaps that reference to Beelzebub has been over-used! Secondly that anyone could suspect he had fallen overboard, considering that a narrowboat would have a top speed of about 2mph in a tunnel. Thirdly that the navvies would have strung up the surveyor as a result of losing their bonus.

 

Agreed, the newspaper section was too long, originally it was going to be “The news of the world” but it kept reading like something more upmarket, after 87 revisions I must admit I got fed up and left it alone…

 

666 yards: Well spotted. I was toying with leaving that out.

 

Falling overboard: Yep, a bit of a stretch I admit, I did try to make it more plausible (body gets stuck on a barge that then goes to sea) but then I realised that Eastenders used that device to get rid of Dirty Den (the first time) and it started to get even more implausible. In the end I thought I’d leave a bit of mystery. If anyone can come up with a plausible way for the body to disappear, please let me know!

 

The Navvies hanging the surveyor. Sometimes the truth is stranger than fiction, according to one book I read about canals, this DID actually happen, exactly as I described in the story, when his compass was deflected by a magnetic outcrop. (I’ll post something about this later.)

 

9. Finally I wasn't sure how David was planning to take advantage of Zara and get his hands on her assets! Was he hoping to marry her after divorcing his own wife? To steal them? To buy them at bargain prices? To bump her off? I wasn't sure.

 

You’ll never know! I left that part nebulous on purpose, he may drive a Porsche but I hinted he has money problems – bad enough to kill her? Or does he con her or marry her? Does the reader really have to be told?

 

Cheers Ron, and thanks for the feedback, some excellent food for thought there.

 

As a writer you look at the work and think “Well its bloomin’ obvious what I’m saying!” – It’s nice when someone points the things you miss because you’re too closely involved with the story.

 

Many thanks.

[Ron Blanco]

You're welcome Mantaspook. It was a pleasure to read and give feedback.

 

It's very interesting to read your explanations for those points I made. In view of that I can see that some of those points do add something. I'm particularly keen to retract the comment about the aftershave - i now remember thinking how clever it was when Zara recognised the smell of a lawyer she used to know.

 

Regarding the scrap book, maybe it would be more effective if he had stumbled across it whilst examining the (presumably collectable) cupboard, whilst she was out of the room.

 

And as for falling overboard.... well I suppose Shaw and Tandy could have had heart attacks and fallen overboard, which would also explain why they didn't simply wade or swim to safety. Perhaps the newspaper speculation could have been along those lines, or else just left a mystery - like the Bermuda Triangle!

 

I'll look forward to the next one.

[redrobbo]

Thanks for the comments so far folks, still no word from Redrobbo, not even a note from his psychiatrist this time… I guess he must be busy at the moment.

 

redrobbo has been away due to the sudden and severe health problem unfortunately suffered by my partner nobikejohn.

 

Let me explain....

 

You see, I've had a couple of very enjoyable holidays messing about on canal boats. I've a real passion for canals. I've read the history of every canal in England and Wales, walked many a towpath, viewed the restoration of the Montgomery canal, swam in the Erewash canal as a kid, taken folk to see the wonderful aqueduct on the Llangollen canal at Trefor (an amazing 121ft over the river Dee!), and much, much more.

 

Indeed I recently took my partner nobikejohn to visit Stoke Bruene canal museum in Northamptonshire. It is a lovely place, with thatched cottages in the village, and well worth the journey. After I'd made a few purchases in the canal museum shop, including a lovely small painting of the canal side scene, nobikejohn suggested we walk through the tunnel.

 

It was a cold day, and the opportunity to get out of the biting wind and explore the long tunnel was irresistible. The canal had been drained for maintenance work, and we could see dumped prams and dustbins in the mud. We gingerly set off into the tunnel. but in the increasingly dim light, it became difficult to discern the towpath. nobikejohn became concerned that if we weren't careful, we'd end up falling into the canal bottom and end up stuck in the mud like the dumped rubbish we'd observed.

 

Being somewhat more adventurous though, I prevailed upon nobikejohn to at least walk to the curve in the middle of the tunnel. Against his better judgement, nobikejohn was persuaded by my cajoling to continue our exploration of the dark cavern. But eventually, even I had to admit defeat. The tunnel seemed to go on forever, and we were stumbling about in the gloom.

 

The air was dank and the smell of the mud was becoming unpleasant. As we turned around to make our way back, I clumsily dropped my souvenir purchases. Flicking a cigarette lighter to see where they had dropped, the small light played on the ancient brick walls of the tunnel, casting weird shadows. We noticed an air shaft above us, but it appeared to be blocked up. The flickering light clearly played tricks on nobikejohn's eyes, for he swore he could see some tiny red dots in the cobwebs above our heads. He urged me to hurry up, as he has phobia about spiders, and was concerned one might drop suddenly on his head. Anyway, I found my little framed painting, and we quickly set off for the car and then home again.

 

Sometime after this day trip, nobikejohn was reading Mantaspook's story. We chuckled about the coincidence of the story and our experience in the Stoke Bruene tunnel, and remarked on the weird similarities. Neither of us believe in mystical phenomena, but we had to admit it was really odd. But then nobikejohn took a look at my little framed painting, hanging proudly above my mantelpiece, and remarked that the scrawled signature in the bottom corner of the painting was by... Angela Tandy!

 

I'm pleased to announce that after treatment, nobikejohn has now made a full recovery and has been discharged from the psychiatric hospital.

 

I've burned the painting, sold my books on canals, cancelled our boating holiday on the Ayre & Calder canal, and now spend my time hunting every nook and cranny of the house for spiders.

 

nobikejohn wants to know if we can sue Mantaspook?