Story: 'A spark of genius.'

[MWhateley]

Well here it is finally. Sorry I have not been around much, I have been on a tutors course and so have had limited free time. This has not been edited as much as I would have liked, but hey ho, I throw myself on your mercy.

 

A spark of genius.

[sauerkraut]

Worth waiting for!

 

You've included more for the senses this time, which makes the story more alive - e.g. the feelings and smells when opening the fuse box, something I would otherwise have thought to be really quite mundane!

 

[spoiler alert]

 

The ending came very suddenly and unexpectedly for me. I had to go back for a re-read and then found the hints were very well hidden. It's another story that could be continued. I for one hope the beasties pursue the cheating wife and lover to Australia so they get their comeuppance.

 

Another good'un from MW

[MWhateley]

Worth waiting for!

 

You've included more for the senses this time, which makes the story more alive - e.g. the feelings and smells when opening the fuse box, something I would otherwise have thought to be really quite mundane!

 

[spoiler alert]

 

The ending came very suddenly and unexpectedly for me. I had to go back for a re-read and then found the hints were very well hidden. It's another story that could be continued. I for one hope the beasties pursue the cheating wife and lover to Australia so they get their comeuppance.

 

Another good'un from MW

 

 

Thanks mate. I will own up, the ending may have come a little quick cos it was originally going to be longer. I jsut ran out of time. I have just been too busy this month. But yes, I left the ending open for a reason. It another one in the slush pile for a longer piece if I ever find time. That slush pile is getting longer.

[Ron Blanco]

Hi MW

 

I think if you continue to write stories like this you will soon have a cult following!!

 

I’m also going to refer to some details in the story so if you haven’t read it then look away now…

 

I must be on the same wavelength as Sauerkraut as I also found the ending unexpected. Quite astonishing in fact. But after a moment of stunned silence – and remembering Mantaspooks comments about the suspension of disbelief - I then felt strangely elated.

 

I didn’t have the slightest inkling that it was the little creatures hiding in the electrical cables that had possessed Damon. But then, on second reading I did get some hints, albeit well concealed, just as SK said. For instance “His chest felt like it was about to burst out” – that can only be a reference to Alien surely, with poor old John Hurt having similar chest pains!

 

I liked a lot of things about your story…

 

I liked Damon’s mum’s saying – “You buy cheap, you buy twice”. My mum used to have sayings like that. One of her favourites was “All part of life’s rich tapestry” which she used if I got dumped by a girlfriend or when I broke my leg.

 

I thought it was appropriate that the hirsute Kieth (Keith?) the philanderer was a driving instructor. I’ve always found them a bit shifty and expect they all get up to no good.

 

I warmed to the character Damon but didn’t like his clucking, bleating, gassing wife. The only crime he seemed to be guilty of was not having a hairy chest! No doubt he would have been better off without her, had he not been killed. However, one thing I didn’t like about Damon was his use of the phrase “these cheap ass little boards”. It sounded a bit American and I feel we are already bombarded enough by American culture in films, tv and books – even my spell-checker insists on using English (US). Maybe Damon could have referred to “inexpensive boards of inferior quality”?

 

Very honest of you to admit that you ran out of time. It might have jeopardised your chance of winning this month’s prize, but if there were an award for “Most Surprising Ending” you could be forgiven for having started your celebrations already.

 

I think your unpretentious style of writing is refreshing and I find it very readable and entertaining.

 

Thanks for sharing it MW.

[coyleys]

Good one MW.

You have started to use your imagination, that’s a good thing.

I agree with SK and RBs comments, however! I think you have rushed this one, don’t be tempted to rush it to get it in the monthly comp.

You have two good stories running nicely together, what you have wrote is good, but it’s more like a synopsis, it defiantly need expanding on, and then a good one would become a cracker, so take your time and then you won’t get derogatory comments like this.

That’s me off your Christmas list.

Keep up the good work MW.

[MWhateley]

Good one MW.

You have started to use your imagination, that’s a good thing.

I agree with SK and RBs comments, however! I think you have rushed this one, don’t be tempted to rush it to get it in the monthly comp.

You have two good stories running nicely together, what you have wrote is good, but it’s more like a synopsis, it defiantly need expanding on, and then a good one would become a cracker, so take your time and then you won’t get derogatory comments like this.

That’s me off your Christmas list.

Keep up the good work MW.

 

No mate, your still on the Christmas list. I don't post stories for an ego trip so everyone can stroke my ego. I post them because I want critique. One day I would like an agent so I could publish something. To get good enough for that I will need to listen to good critique and improve my style. I might never get published, but sometimes the journey itself is the best bit.

 

I realize it is rushed and I might rework it to improve it. It is a precursor to a novel anyway. Like the Vagabond is.

[scotty225]

Hello MW I thought the story was very lively and kept me guessing right to the end. I was hoping that the scheming couple were going to get what was comming to them and for that reason it was good that they didn't. There are far too many happy endings out there.

 

It went at a fair old pace though and it did feel a bit rushed. I don't know if you intended it to feel like there was a bus to catch but the whole story sped along probably hepled by the short sentances. It added a nurvous feel to it though. I thought there were a few cliches in it, "Fear gripped him" for example. But generaly a very interesting idea and I'll think twice before changing a fuse now.

[Mantaspook]

This is an interesting one; I agree with the previous posters that the story appears rushed, but I disagree with them on the subtlety of the hints, I’ve heard some authors refer to narrative hints as ‘small clouds’ – maybe its something I’m particularly tuned into but I thought some of the ‘small clouds’ were like thunderheads that precipitated the appearance of the electrical creature.

 

For me, the voice in the electricians head gave it away.

 

“You are fine, what do doctors know. Go home.” Was that a thought or a voice? Am I insane, and if I am, how would I know?

 

Coupled with his ability to multi-task on the computer and his wife’s comment ( “No, not in that way, he seems like a different person. It's like I picked someone else up from the hospital.”) It just seemed obvious that he had ‘been infected’ by something from the wire.

 

I’ll just list some other observations.

 

1. The driving instructor was called ‘Kieth’ - misspelled? Did you mean Keith?”

 

2. The ‘conversation’ between Damon and the doctor was one sided, in fact Damon took no part in it, yet he was “awash with questions” as the doctor walked away, it read too much like an ‘information dump’ – I appreciate that Damon may feel confused / incommunicative due to shock but you need to inform the reader if that is the reason.

 

3. This line: “The first thing that came back to Damon's senses was the smell of disinfectant. It was sharp but clean smelling. – this is a classic case where you are TELLING the reader what disinfectant smells like. Too much information! The reader knows what it smells like, it is better to SHOW the reader and let them decide what the smell is.

 

For example: “His senses came back slowly, first smell, his nose told him he was in a pine forest, as he wondered how he got there his ears heard a telephone ring and a voice said “Ward 17”, it was only when he opened his eyes that he realised where he was…”

 

Don’t underestimate the intelligence of your readers, they’re clever enough to spot the pine (disinfectant) ~ ‘Ward 17’ ~ hospital link. (OK, Hands up all those that disagree )

 

The part where Damon is doing super human things on the computer is another section where you’ve ‘told’ the reader, rather than ‘shown’ them what is happening.

 

For instance: ” “What are you doing? I normally fill out the accounts, you

struggle with the maths. Remember?” TELL> She was shocked. He was working at an unbelievable speed.” < TELL

 

Suggested replacement:

 

What are you doing? I normally fill out the accounts, you struggle with the maths. Remember?”

 

SHOW> “Ask me a sum! Anything you like! Pi multiplied by Avogadro’s constant! Anything!”

 

“Damon you’re scaring me…”

 

“ANYTHING!” he shouted.

 

“I don’t know…twelve hundred divided by seventy two.”

 

“Sixteen point six reoccurring!” he spat back instantly, throwing the calculator at her. “Punch it in. Twelve hundred divided by seventy two!”

 

She did. The calculator’s LCD screen showed 16.66666666, but he had already turned back to the computer screen, her insignificant crying ignored. < SHOW

 

4. The couple’s attempt to kill Damon by electrocuting him in her lovers cellar, on the same day that he’d already had a massive shock seemed a little far fetched, it may have been better if one of the lovers had commented that ‘this would be the perfect time, (to bring their plans forward) - the police would conclude he was clumsy because of the previous incident’

 

Or maybe it would have been more plausible if the driving instructor used his knowledge to tamper with the brakes on Damon van, the bit where Damon goes down the cellar and is confronted by a pool of water to stand in was too suspicious.

 

Also the lovers future plans seemed half thought out ”Go somewhere warm, Australia maybe.” seemed vague and contrasted with the detail they had put into killing Damon.

 

5. I agree with the other posters that the end appeared to be ‘tacked on’ – the electrical creature was the most intriguing part of the story, it may have worked to give the creatures thoughts top billing but attribute them to Damon, but again, this would have to be done in a subtle fashion to avoid tipping off the reader too soon.

 

As Coyleys said, you have two good stories running there, with a little more time spent entwining them I think this has the potential to be a really good little sci-fi horror story, which just happens to be my favourite genre.

 

I really liked the concept of the electrical creature; may I borrow him for one of my stories?

[MWhateley]

Wow Mantaspook. You really put some effort into that for me. Thank you, I appreciate it. Yes, yes and hell yes. lol. I regret rushing it I really do. I basically stripped out a few days from the story, I started writing a short story and realised it was going to turn into a mini novel. I will be going back and reworking that for sure. I also see your point over 'telling' the readers. I will rework this story and re submit it in the near future and I hope, by then, it will be a much improved read.

 

As for borrowing my little Electric Creature. By all means Mantaspook. Just remember to put him back into the cables when you have done with him and feed him a few AA battereis until then.