Poem: 'Residue.'

[scotty225]

Poem in need of honest opinions.

 

Residue.

[sauerkraut]

That's a lovely, poignant poem with some powerful imagery. I especially liked the verse about the make-up table, with the idea of an artist painting portraits. You could really imagine the daily ritual of her sitting there. "A palette of pastels and silenced tint" is an absolutely brilliant line, incorporating so concisely the image of the artist, the woman doing her make-up, and the fact that she is no more.

 

I couldn't quite make up my mind whether the partner had died or whether the couple had split up. Everything points to her being dead, ("the dust that you are...", and the fact that all her belongings are left behind - for the daughter to inherit). But the line "bit my naive submissive hand" made me wonder if she's hurt him by upping and leaving. Of course he could also feel that way even if she's left him involuntarily, i.e. by dying! My indecision is not a criticism of the poem, by the way. In fact I like an element of uncertainty: it gives the reader more to think about.

 

I was troubled by the use of the word "silt" (and possibly also "sediment") but I can't quite pinpoint why. Perhaps because it makes me think of something sludgy and settled at the bottom of a pond! Once I'd thought of that, it was hard to reconcile with the idea of drifting through dust or sifting through the hands. For me, it was too solid a contrast with the otherwise almost ethereal wording. Sediment could possibly be replaced by residue (?) but the only alternative I can think of for silt is powder, which doesn't work at all! Anyway, it might just be my problem!

 

I hope you get some more feedback from the others soon. It's definitely a poem well worth reading

[Annoni_mouse]

I really cant offer anything more constructive than what sauerkraut has already posted - except to say, that I thought the poem was very good, both poignant and emotive.

 

I agree that the element of uncertainty adds to the wistful nature of the writing, and I think to add more detail would detract from the poem.

[coyleys]

Yes, I think SK summed it up nicely.

Could the writer be referring to the ashes of a past loved one? Let’s keep the enigma.

As AM wrote……

 

I agree that the element of uncertainty adds to the wistful nature of the writing, and I think to add more detail would detract from the poem.

[scotty225]

Thanks for your comments everyone. This was an attempt at writing a poem about something that I have no experiece of, the death af a very close loved one. I have always tried to connect to my emotions when writing so I found this very difficult. The comments about the use of the words "silt" and "sediment" I feel are very valid and I will look again and see how I can improve it. Thanks again.

[sauerkraut]

I was glad you came back on this, scotty. I was hoping I hadn't offended you! I'll also give some thought to an alternative word. The thesaurus is no help