Story: 'An everyday story about nothing very much.'

[sauerkraut]

Here's my attempt for March. I hope it'll do

 

Link deleted by author

[coyleys]

Excellent, just excellent.

As for as constructive criticism goes, I can’t help you there, that’s far better that anything I could write.

Nice one SK.

[pattricia]

Yes very good SK.!

[scotty225]

Hello SK I enjoyed your story very much it is obvious that you have a great understanding of the relationships between the three characters involved. I recognised my own family in there and I have to say I felt for poor Frank.

 

The flow of the dialog was very natural although I feel at times you directed the reader too much. "Oh, sorry, yes, of course I want to know," said frank appeasingly. He recognised his wife's martyrish tones and knew....

 

Perhaps instead of ...I want to know," said frank Appeasingly... ...I want to know," frank recognised his wife's martyrish tones and.... I feel In this case and a few others in the story I did not need to be told who was speeking.

 

Also, the part at the end when Jenny is speeking. "Look, I know you and Dad aren't too keen on Cassie. You reckon she's a bad influence and all that..... This seems a bit like yor are using Jenny to tell us what her Mother and Father are thinking or feeling and it felt a little false and hammered home. A simple gesture or a sarcastic comment from Deidre could have given the reader more I feel.

This is obviously only my opinion and the story read very well and I feel a little nervous passing comment to such an accomplished writer.

[sauerkraut]

Thank you for your comments. I finally made a start recently on the novel I've been batting around in my head for years. But progress is very sluggish, so a bit of flattery from SFWG is a nice boost for my ego

 

Scotty, yes I think I agree with you about directing the reader too much. Normally I print out my stuff to read it through but the printer was out of ink so I only read on screen and it just isn't the same. (That's my excuse, anyway!) Reading it back now I can see I've fallen into the trap Mantaspook mentioned of having too much s/he said, exclaimed, declared, cried, wailed, announced, objected, protested etc etc. And it notices all the more when you know it's intended to be a story practising dialogue because that's then exactly the kind of thing the reader's looking out for!

 

As to Jenny saying she knows what her parents think of Cassie, it was intentional to ram the point home. Jenny is finally letting her mother know that she's aware of the unspoken manipulation that's been going on (like with wangling the conversation round to qualifications). But it's supposed to be Jenny making that point, not me, so I shall have another look and see if I can phrase it better.

 

And I know what you mean about feeling sorry for Frank. The dads in my stories seem to be having a rough time of it lately. I'm sure a psychologist would have a field day with that!! But I think his family were starting to appreciate his worth a bit more by the end

 

Thanks again for taking the time to read and comment.

[Tallyman]

That was a very enjoyable read, Sauerkraut, and seemed to capture the tensions between the characters well. Yes, although my daughter is a little younger than Jenny, I already recognise the shape of these conversations!

 

I particularly liked the reference towards the end concerning Frank's meticulous calculations, trying to make sense of the finances. Although it was brief, and relatively understated, it did two things for me: firstly, it brought Frank back into the story, and made his efforts part of the equation, whereas otherwise he could have been considered peripheral to the problem.

 

Secondly, it also triggered a strong image in my head of a quiet man, trying to keep the peace, hoping always to say the right thing, working diligently in the background to do what he thinks is right, endeavouring to do the best for his child, and yet somehow missing the emotional picture. That made him very realistic for me, the notion of men being doers, problem solvers, concentrating on practical solutions, and often missing the subtle emotional signals. Or perhaps that's just me

 

A fine piece indeed!

[sauerkraut]

Thank you, Tallyman. That's exactly what I was trying to achieve with the reference to Frank and his finances, so it was very encouraging to find it actually seemed to work!

 

My own children are a bit younger than Jenny, too, but some of the "debates" we've had did help provide inspiration for this story

[Mantaspook]

An enjoyable read, it could be based on my family, even the back to back desks in the study sounded very familiar.

 

Some good advice from the other writers already here, Sauerkraut, and you’ve spotted the common mistake of going for elaborate verbal tags, as I mentioned in the monthly theme notes it’s far better to have the dialogue to ‘speak for itself’ – if you choose the right words you don’t need to add a suffix like “She muttered, sulkily.”

 

As Stephen King says “to write he said or she said is divine.” (‘On Writing’, page 144)

 

Your story was good, but the mix of dialogue and narrative action was marred by one or two huge indigestible chunks of narrative. (ie 3rd & 4th Paragraphs, “Frank, not for the first time,…” & bottom of page 3, “He headed for the door…” etc)

 

Very amusing first line, by the way. Fame at last. If you think this months theme is challenging wait until you see what that Mantaspook’s got lined up for next month’s theme.

[Ron Blanco]

Beautifully written SK.

 

I thought Mother & Daughter were very believable although in my opinion Jenny missed a chance to make a more overt statement about the education system. She could have said:

 

"Mum, I want to go to the normal, scummy school, otherwise I am in danger of encouraging a two-tier system of education"

 

Dad was believable too, but he really shouldn't put up with being talked to like that. Deirdre was frustrated by her literary taskmaster Mantaspook and took it out on her husband. Frank should have put her straight:

 

"I'm sorry darling but I will not accept you projecting your frustration onto me in that way. You must confront Mantaspook, explain how you feel and if necessary tell him where to shove his blasted dialogue! But my dear, isn't this really to do with you being crowned February's Master Story Teller and the pressure that goes with it? That is the price of success I'm afraid and you will naturally have to live up to ever increasing expectations. But please do not consider packing it in, me dook. I imagine many of the new writers in your group will now look to you for inspiration, to show the way, to be their guide. So persevere for their sakes and meanwhile please leave me alone to do this ****ing tax return"

 

But going back to my original comment, I thought it was beautifully written.

[Hopman]

I don't wish to sound pedantic, but I recall seeing on an old edition of QI on the box that dialogue and involve one person or any number. Whereas a duologue involves two people, a [i[dialogue[/i] does not specify a number, since the first part of the word comes from a word meaning [i[through[/i].

 

Enjoyable though.