Story: 'Roses' (My first offering.)

[Tallyman]

Welcome to my first upload to the group!

 

It's not related to the current topic, I'm afraid, but it has been sitting on my computer for a little while, and now's the time to share it.

 

I first submitted it to a Sunday newspaper which, at the time, was running a series inviting readers to write about an experience 'in their own words'. It was, as far as I know, never published, so I'd like to give it an airing now.

 

Comments and feedback very welcome - on the writing style, especially

 

Roses.

[pattricia]

Very good, keep it up.

[Ron Blanco]

Hi Tallyman,

 

I found it very moving. It's hard for me to differentiate how much of that is due to the writing style as opposed to the extremely emotive subject, which I can relate to.

 

One thing I noticed though - from the very first paragraph I sensed this was going to be a sad tale. So I think you did manage to quite skilfully create an appropriate mood right from the start.

[scotty225]

Hello Tallyman,

 

Great writing style and fitted the mood very well. the subject is one that touches a lot of people weather directly or indirectly. Onle those who have experienced this kind of thing themselves can truly understand the pain it must cause. As a parent I can only guess.

 

It felt like I was reading an account of a true event from the writers life such was the ease with which the emotion of the subject came from the page. In which case it must have been very dificult to write and to relive the whole thing. If it is fiction again, the skill in its construction must mean you are able to dig very deep into you emotions to make it read so realisticaly.

 

Whichever, a very powerful piece and thanks.

[Tallyman]

Pattricia, Ron, Scotty, thank you for your kind comments.

 

I have to admit, it was broadly a true account, and it was written a little while ago as a way of trying to put events to rest. I think being able to write fiction like that is probably beyond my capabilities!

 

Thanks again

[Annoni_mouse]

An excellent piece of writing. It says a great deal about your talents that you managed to convey the sense of loss and tragedy with such clarity and dignity that it would do a great disservice to the piece not to feel touched by it.

 

A very well written piece.

[redrobbo]

A short, poignant story, well executed in the development of the narrative.

 

I think a re-writing would be beneficial though to draw out a more heightened sense of the emotions of the main characters.

 

Welcome to the Writer's Group Tallyman. This is a worthy first entry into the Writer's Group, and I shall look forward to reading more of your stories.

[sauerkraut]

That's a very touching story. I felt sure when I was reading it that it had to be based on personal experience (although I found myself hoping that wasn't actually the case) because the whole piece was so authentically told.

 

I found the writing gentle and the emotion slightly understated - in my opinion exactly the right tone for a story relating such sorrow with dignity.

 

Welcome to the group, Tallyman.

[Tallyman]

Thank you, Annonni_Mouse, Redrobbo and Sauerkraut, for your comments. I'm very touched by such positive feedback

[Mantaspook]

I thought the writing style was a little cool and detached but it matched the story well, the numb grief, the dispassionate telling of the story from long ago added to the narrator’s sense of loss.

 

The only thing that I would consider altering is the very first line:

 

“Here we are, my wife and I, in the garden of our small Hampshire maisonette, gently patting down the soil around our latest planting. It’s a rose called Jo-Jo, small but with rich red blooms.”

 

Bearing in mind the final line of the story, the beginning may have more resonance with:

 

“I’ll never forget the day that my wife and I planted the small rosebush in our garden, small, with rich red blooms, we hoped that one day, it would grow big and strong.”