Story: 'Petrol'

[scotty225]

There is a story with spoken words, some of them naughty swear words but nothing too bad.

 

Petrol.

[sauerkraut]

Very good. The dialogue sounded pretty realistic to me - not that I've had any personal experience of that kind of situation, you understand

 

I liked the way you didn't over-direct (in contrast to my story!), but there were just one or two places where that meant I lost the thread of who was speaking. For example:

 

He [the policeman] stepped back to Baz who was seeing the funny side of everything as usual.

“Yeh shut thi gob Ronald, me and Mr. Plod have got stuff t’ talk about haven’t mate!”

 

It took me a moment to realise it was Baz talking there, and not the policeman.

 

Also, later when more police arrive, who says "Evenin' all" ? Is it Baz taking the mickey? Because I'm not sure police would really use that expression, unless they too were trying to be sarcastic (?)

 

One final point that left me wondering a bit was the opening line about the pensioners in their bus. It being the opener to the story I expected it to have some significance later on, but it wasn't mentioned again so I got distracted into wondering what happened to them...

 

All in all, though, another very enjoyable offering from Scotty

[Tallyman]

A nice piece of work, Scotty

 

I enjoyed the easy flow of dialogue and the injection of just enough Sheffield accent to place Baz in the city, without over-doing it and making the speech hard to read.

[Ron Blanco]

I liked this, Scotty.

 

Strangely, I felt a good deal of sympathy for Baz.

 

I liked the bit where he dumped the toddler on the pavement and ran off with the pushchair. I laughed at that point - to me it showed he had a heart as I got the impression he was conscious to not harm the toddler. But perhaps your intention was the opposite i.e. to show what an uncaring scoundrel he was, as emphasized by the fact that he "dumped" the toddler on the pavement?

 

Despite Baz being a menace to the local community I really didn't want him to get arrested. Nor did I want a swarm of police officers wasting their time apprehending him. I mean, what's the point - he's only going to re-offend. He needs help, not to be locked away. After all, prison probably holds no fear for Baz what with the TV, pool tables, full english breakfasts! Things he probably doesn't get at home. Plus the chance to learn a few tricks off like-minded hoodlums. He needs someone to understand him and to help him understand himself better and to explore the things that have made him the way he is. Dare I say it, i think one thing that might help would be "compulsory community service". But he also needs therapy to attempt to address and undo some of the things that have led to his rebellious behaviour.

 

As for SK's comments about the police - I would agree that their dialogue seemed less convincing than that of Baz and Ronnie. I was also shocked to discover that swearing is an offence that could result in an arrest. I once had a "right on" ex girlfriend who let her 6 year old swear and rejoiced at how he was free to express himself in this way. Little did she know that he could be nicked at any moment!!

[pattricia]

Good dialogue in this story.

[coyleys]

Good one Scotty.

I’m glad you used the Manor and not the Wybourn as a base to the story; we wouldn’t want folks getting the wrong idea of the Wybourn .

As SK said, at points it was a bit confusing who said what, but all in all a real good story.

As for the hoodies , I say bring back the boot camp, that will be in my next manifesto.

Nice one Scotty.

[Mantaspook]

I thought this was a good story, the dialogue was believable, especially from the ‘cheeky little tyke’ who came across as an arrogant little so-and-so who thinks he is above the law.

 

The end of the story was too soon, after the policeman had given his speech about what his uncle was about to do to him there should have been a line or two of Baz’s reaction to his impending doom.

 

The presentation could have been better, paragraphs been the most obvious omission, also the multi-coloured underlining by the WORD package was distracting, if you right-click on the offending word then click ‘ignore all’ or ‘ignore once’ it turns the underlining off.

 

One of the features of WORD that aspiring writers should take note of is when it flags up the message “FRAGMENT – consider revising” – sometimes, if you’re using a dialect for instance, you just ignore it, however if you’re writing normal text and you get the ‘Fragment’ message its usually worth having a good look at the line to see if it can be re-worded for clarity.

 

My first drafts get this message sometimes; this usually sets off a chain of events involving a dictionary / thesaurus and the reworked sentence is usually better, on other occasions I delete the sentence altogether and expand the previous one to get the meaning across.

[scotty225]

Thanks everyone,

 

SK. Yes I understand the confusion caused by the action of the Policeman and the words spoken by Baz. Thanks for that I missed it.

The policeman was being Sarcastic "evenin' all" sorry I didn't indicate this in the story other than p.c. Edwards saying "With you in a minute Dave...."

the first part of the piece is a typical example of a poor writer writing anything to get started on a story. I left it in intending to bring the pensioners back in to it later but had other ideas.

 

Tallyman. Thanks I am struggling with writing dialect in other projects and this encouragement helps.

 

RB. Yes I suppose the two youths are victims of their curcumstances. Though I had a very rough childhood but I never nicked my uncle's car. As a youth worker I have worked with kids like Baz and Ronny before and believe me youths like these actualy exist and worse. This may account for the characters feeling more believable through the dialog rather than that of the police.

 

Coyleys. Yes Maner, Parson Cross, Arborthorne, Halfway, Lowedges, Hackenthorpe, could have been any of them really. The Manor was a bit of an easy option really.

 

Manta. Thanks for your observations, Short stories again, I was eager to go on and on but I would have still been writing. There is a novel to be written before and after this short piece and I am sure one in the middle too. I enjoyed exploring those characters though and I'll get them out of the cupboard again one day.