Story: 'Millenium Bug 2' by Hopman.

[Hopman]

My attempt at the monthly theme:

 

"Millenium bug 2" by Hopman.

[Mantaspook]

Hopman, I’ve got to say this - even though I’m slightly biased because I wrote half that tale - that really was a first class effort.

 

The characters interactions and the narration of what they were doing was excellent, the speech tags varied nicely, but never approached been contrived, you split the dialogue with narrative where appropriate, the overall story is a lot more complete.

 

This is almost a perfect example of interpreting this month’s theme as per the notes.

 

Follow that folks! Anyone else care to have a go?

 

PS Very interesting that you placed he characters indoors, I didn’t envisage that originally…

 

PPS My daughter loved the “shunkley bits” at the end as well.

[scotty225]

Hello Hopman,

 

I thought this was very well written and I agree that it is agood example of how to write dialogue. I particularly liked the way you used the speech tags to elaborate the action rather than merely to indicate who was speaking, this is something that I try to do in my stories though you could teach me a thing or two about it I feel.

 

The story itself I feel was a bit too "Mills and Boon" for my taste and the ending lost me completely but that's me, just Mr. Thicko I suppose.

[Hopman]

I'm sorry if Scotty thought this too M&B, but the brief on this one was to:

 

...my previous short stories “The Millennium bug”

 

WITHOUT ALTERING THE DIALOGUE add narrative sentences, speech tags and adverbial modifiers (sparingly!) you may split the dialogue sentences if you wish....

 

All T did was to add to the dialogue.

 

“Do you love me?” asked Sarah.

 

“Yeah, yeah, of course I love you.” David reasoned this was no time to argue, especially as Sarah was holding a Walther automatic pointing in his direction.

 

“You never tell me anymore.”

 

“I do, I love you twice as much as yesterday and half as much as I will tomorrow.” Hey, he almost believed it himself.

 

“Not that one! Tell me the other one – the one about the stars.”

 

“Oh all right, I love you more than all the stars in the universe, blah, blah, blah etc" She squeezed the trigger and almost as soon as he saw the flash, he felt a searing pain in his left shoulder. "Ouch! That hurt!”

 

 

I don't think this is quite in the sprit of things.

[Ron Blanco]

ah, I had not realised it was a response to Mantaspook's other Dialogue Challenge this month. Perhaps Scotty missed that too!

 

On re-reading I now see just how clever your version really is. I have to say though, the version where David is held at gunpoint is a stroke of genius and took me back to my first marriage - my only suggestion would be to substitute the gun for a meat cleaver!

[Hopman]

Those of you who saw the earlier version and the start of a more sinister version, may like to visit this blacker rewrite:

 

Millenium bug 2 - The sinister version - by Hopman.

[Ron Blanco]

I laughed all the way through Mr H - partly because it was very funny and partly at the thought that you took on this seemingly impossible challenge. I laughed loudest as "Astronomical Facts" flashed through his mind and thought the ending was very tidy.

[pattricia]

Very clever Hopman.

[Tallyman]

Nice one Hopman!

 

It started very well indeed, and had a neat ending, and was certainly a very ambitious undertaking (I didn't have the nerve to try!)

 

Two comments for what they're worth:

 

Firstly, I felt the sinister intention was hampered slightly by there being so many exclamation marks already in the dialogue, I found it difficult to get past the light-heartedness suggested by the punctuation.

 

Secondly, you seem to have taken the story from a threatening and dark opening to what came across to me as a reconciliation at the end, perhaps as the result of some misunderstanding (though a fairly serious one, given the firearm!). Under the circumstances, it was a tough challenge to effect the change through the central part of the story, and that's where perhaps some additional sentences may have helped to provide context. Had he dallied with another woman, perhaps because he didn't think she wanted him? Was she unstable and he was trying to humour her to the end?

 

In any case, a really interesting version

[scotty225]

Yep thats better Blood ang guts and.. well more blood and guts really. the dialog was very limiting to the story I feel. (I bet you were dying to alter it I know I was when I tried this) This exersize is turning out a very mixed bag of stories and this is my favorite so far.