Story: 'Millenium Bug 2' by Scotty225

[scotty225]

Not sure if this is what I was supposed to do but here goes.

 

"Millenium bug 2" by Scotty225

[Hopman]

An interesting treatment of the basic story. Not many have tried to rationalise the ending with the stars and I think it worked well.

And quite a twist at the end!

Well done Scotty!

[Mantaspook]

Hi Scotty,

 

I thought this wasn’t as good as it could be, some of the verbal tags and modifiers were a bit ‘clunky’ I’ll just list some things that may be worth having another look at:

 

1. A smile of satisfaction escaped from her mouth. > doesn’t sound right, how about “A smile of satisfaction flittered around the corners of he mouth.”

 

2. “Talking of stars, just look at them! I’ve never seen so many.” He deflected the attention, changing the subject. > You’ve told the reader what he is doing twice, keep it simple: ”Talking of stars, just look at them!” he said, rapidly changing the subject”

 

Falls had a different approach which worked very well:

 

Suddenly, Sarah stopped to gaze at the sky. David, hobbling along behind, decided he had better change the subject.

 

“Talking of stars," he whispered, "just look at them! I’ve never seen so many.”

 

3. “Nah! That’s my boss’s job; I bet he’ll be panicking like mad about now.” The image of the boss in pain on the toilet was interrupted by the chill on the wing chewing his ears. > didn’t make sense, needs editing for clarity.

 

4. “That’s exactly what the boss thought; he only wanted to replace the entire system! Timer, boiler, radiators, the lot! What an idiot!” He cringed slightly awaiting her reply.

 

“Thank god he retires next year eh?” She folded her arms and stared at her feet.

 

Bearing in mind the twist at the end, this section doesn’t fit in with the rest of the story, his embarrassment at his faux pas is not explicit enough; basically you need a “Doh!” thought bubble in there somewhere.

 

5. “I’m fine. What’s that star called up there? The one just above the lighthouse?” She knew he would know. > how about “She knew he’d know.” Or simply “she asked.”

 

6. “That’s called Betelgeuse, constellation of Orion, a red supergiant approximately 400 light years from earth.” He stepped away slightly to stand alone in his knowledge. > classic adverbial modifier = “slightly” does it actually tell us anything? You could delete the word and the sentence doesn’t suffer. The action seems unrealistic, why would he want to step away from her? Again, needs editing for clarity.

 

7. “Maybe your watch is slow…” he took a look at her watch for himself he never wore one since his granddads gave up the ghost last year. He felt to replace it would be like replacing the man he had loved and admired all his life. > Introduces an element that is unnecessary to the story and leaves an unresolved loose end as the reader is introduced to granddad then he is whisked away leaving several questions about the character.

 

8. “Oh David, I had no idea…” She looked genuinely surprised. > another adverbial modifier (ends in ‘ly’ remember) – do you need it?

 

BTW the one that should always set the alarm bells ringing is “Obviously” – if it’s obvious to the reader you should never use a word like obviously! Rant over.

 

9. He threw his suite jacket round her shoulders, the time for chivalry was upon him, and the boss would never agree to be his father in law if his daughter got pneumonia on new years eve. > Typos: suite=suit, New Years Eve should be capitals.

 

The final line is the killer punch, can it be improved? We already know its New Years Eve so how about: “David smiled (grimly) as he placed his jacket around her bare shoulders, whilst her father’s fear of the millennium bug was misplaced, he knew the old duffer would never agree to their union if his beloved daughter caught the pneumonia bug instead.”

 

Lots to look at there and we can all learn something, like I said when introducing the monthly theme, get a copy of Stephen Kings “On writing” book, it explains all this adverbial modifier nonsense a lot better than I can.

[scotty225]

Thanks for the comments Mantsaspook I almost didn't bother with this and on reflection I wish I hadn't. Just a few points back.

 

Point 5. I don't understand how your suggestion would make an improvement. Either "she knew he'd know" or "she knew he would know", same difference. To say "she asked" would add nothing but to say she'd knew he would know the answer to her question says something about their relationship. Did the question mark not indicate that she had asked?

 

Point 7. I agree this is written clumsily but it is an attempt at humanising the character by saying a little about him in a snippet of his past. Do we have to know everything about the charactor his grandfather was to say something about how David holds family close to his heart?

 

Point 9. Yes this can be improved, but to say "David smiled grimly" would just not be my way to describe communication. Can you actually smile "grimly"?

 

I feel your other comments are very well founded I found the task very difficult almost like an exersise in mind reading. You obviosly (sorry very nasty word) know your charactors and my attemts to re-create them was very poor. The fact that this is a conversation between two people I thought was an opportunity to develop them rather than say who was speaking when the new paragraph indicates this anyway.

 

Sorry about the typos btw.

[pattricia]

Keep it up Scotty.

[Mantaspook]

Hi Scotty, Well done, you’ve had a damn good try at it, that’s what counts. There’s a hundred ways the exercise could be approached, I quite liked Hopman’s mini version with the gun actually, it would have been interesting to see if he could have finished that one though…

 

Regarding your comments, point 5, I’m just trying to impress the rhythm of the sentence, read out loud "she knew he would know"(5 beats) then “she knew he’d know” (4 beats) or simply “She asked” (two beats)

 

In the context of the full sentence:

 

“I’m fine.(2 beats) What’s that star called up there? (5 beats)The one just above the lighthouse?”

(5 beats) She knew he would know.”(5 beats)

 

The meaning is the same, sometimes less words (‘she asked’) conveys the same meaning and isn’t as ‘clunky’ as, in the above example, having 3 groups of 5 beats next to each other. Try reading it out loud.

 

Point 7, no problems with you humanising the character, its just when you introduce a new character (his granddad) you’re branching off, if you continue the analogy you’ve got to add ‘twigs & leaves’ to complete the branch, in a short story such as this you don’t have the time so the new character is mentioned and then ignored, the reader is left hanging a little, sometimes it's better to not start a new branch.

 

Point 9 – “David smiled (grimly)” is what I suggested, I put grimly in brackets because it’s another adverbial modifier, and as such it’s a prime candidate for deletion. I’ve seen this phrase in a lot of books but your question “can you smile grimly?” is a good one.

 

I take it to mean the smile doesn’t reach the eyes so it’s more of a grimace but other people may interpret it differently, we could have used “determinedly” or “reluctantly” or “Excitedly” depending upon what ‘mood’ we want David to exhibit, that’s the power of the modifiers, on the other hand the speech may imply what his mood is so he only simply needs ‘to smile’

 

Like I said, there’s a hundred ways of doing this, I’m glad you had a go,you certainly shouldn’t regret doing the exercise, there’s some good pointers that have come out of it for everyone.

 

As soon as I get a few hours free I’ll have a go at uploading my version of the Millennium bug Ver.2, but I’m going to try to stretch things a little…

[scotty225]

Thanks for getting back to me about these points. I feel I have a lot to learn about short stories. I have a natural urge to go off into reams of branches and twiggs as you put it and although I know it is good to practice, sometimes I feel a little frustrated by their limitations. But I will Keep trying. Many thanks.

[scotty225]

Thought I'd have another go as the first was so awful I hope this is better.

 

Millenium bug 3 - Another try!

[Tallyman]

Wow, Scotty, that was a stunning piece of work!

 

I really enjoyed that; it weaved an intricate story around the dialogue and made it work so well. I'm very impressed

[Mantaspook]

Hi Scotty,

 

That was very well done indeed, your story was integrated with the dialogue seamlessly and there were one or touches I really liked, you were right to concentrate on the story from Sarah’s perspective and her thoughts were essential to the poignancy at the end.

 

The news that she had cancer was buried too subtly in the text:

 

“Look at the sky!” The coastline as far as we could see to the north to Sandsend was being devoured by an enormous snow cloud malignant and cold. And like the cancer in my breast was spreading rapidly south. David did not know.

 

It’s almost mentioned as an afterthought, if you remove “And” the whole sentence becomes a lot stronger, with a bit of tweaking:

 

“Look at the sky!” The coastline as far as we could see to the north was being devoured by an enormous black cloud, malignant and cold, just like the cancer in my breast. David did not know.

 

The news that she had cancer was very sudden and seemed a little discontinuous with the light happy mood they she is displaying, it may have been a good idea to include a ‘little cloud’ into the story earlier to prepare the reader.

 

For instance:“Maybe your watch is slow…” He took my arm and helped himself to the time."

 

Could be altered to read: “Maybe your watch is slow…” He twisted my wrist and helped himself to the time, then paused, mildly shocked, I think, when he saw how thin my arm had become. I pulled away quickly.”

 

Don’t underestimate the intelligence of your readers, they’d spot this and know something was coming later on; This is a good technique to introduce new elements to the story.

 

Overall I think that Version 2 is definitely one of the better efforts and I’m impressed not only with the fact that you gave it another go but also that the improvement is tangible. A really good effort Scotty, keep up the good work