Story: 'Seconds Out.'

[Ron Blanco]

Here's my short story contribution for March.

 

Seconds Out.

 

I'd really appreciate your feedback and suggestions on how to improve it.

[Tallyman]

RB, that was a very entertaining story

 

Malcolm comes across as being very realistic: unconfident, nervous and for the most part hapless. It was nice to see him win in the end.

 

There were some excellent moments, I thought. You painted a wonderful picture of the travel bore, with Malcolm's well controlled descent into a coma. I laughed out loud at the screensaver phrase, and thought the "Biff!", "Bam!", "Kapow!" sequence worked very well.

 

The haughty woman number 8 was also a great piece, almost like sitcom. The efforts to read her name label, but ending up mentioning her breasts in a Freudian outburst wasn't original, of course, but nevertheless really nicely used. The ensuing slap and "pathetic little man" comment made for an excellent end to that encounter.

 

Your story has some really nice moments: the joke with Alice about looking at her boobs and not her name-tag contrasts nicely with the earlier encounter; forgetting he was Alex and introducing himself as Malcolm was further evidence of hiss essentially decent character; the idea of "clumps of girls" huddling round one side of the bar while the men "patrolled" the other gives a good impression of something between a mating ritual and a predatory event.

 

I enjoyed it very much indeed!

 

You asked for suggestions for improvement, though, and here are a few thoughts for what they're worth - I've divided them up into 'Presentation', 'Style' and (for want of a better phrase) 'Backstory':

 

Presentation

 

It must be years of conditioning, but I'm used to seeing dialogue - and other text - presented in a conventional way: each new line of dialogue indented a short way. There's something about the pattern it makes on the page that makes comprehension easier. Or perhaps that's just me.

 

Style

 

I love words, and I like the way you've tried to extend the vocabulary you've used beyond the norm. But I also found it a little obstructive. "Rannygazoo" is a fantastic word, but it had me reaching for the dictionary, I'm afraid. So did Alice being referred to as a "Poindexter". I even had to pause for a moment when the roughty-toughty rugby player thought it "sagacious" to dump Mandy. In short, they interrupted the flow of my reading, so were perhaps counterproductive in this context. The challenge is to introduce such great words without making the reader feel they have to stop instantly and check the meaning.

 

You've painted some colourful images, but I felt they were often long winded, and might have had better effect with some judicious pruning. For example, the host "leant over him like a headmistress at an exclusive public school" might have been snappier if you'd left the unnecessary "exclusive" out.

 

Malcolm's first encounter with Troy read quite well, particularly the ice-breaking attempt. But there were too many "Hi"s, I thought, for realistic dialogue. As Troy was so cocksure, I'd thought he might have been more forward and direct in his self-introduction.

 

You had a golden opportunity, I thought, to bring out the host's character even more by giving her a name. All the description you gave of her cried out for her to be called something, rather than be left as an anonymous organiser. Any name would have added an extra slant. If such a sharp-dressed, officious, headmistress of a woman was called, say, Jacyntha, that might reinforce her character. If she was called, say, Trish, it may have given her a softer edge. I wouldn't want to suggest a name which might conjure up a woman with a dark and unhappy past, but I'm sure there is one!

 

Backstory

 

By 'backstory', I mean events outside this particular tale, but which inform it and place it in context. For me, there was a burning question right at the start:

 

Malcolm seems to have feelings for his ex-wife that he's trying to exorcise - her images still hang on the walls of his mind, still waiting to be replaced, he's decided to move on but it's taken two years, the memories of John Dark stealing his wife are still upsetting. Yet, he doesn't leap (even in his imagination) to the defense of this wife in whom Dark saw so little that he dumped her. Did Malcolm consider attempting a reconciliation? It seems such a small point, but it came across as open-ended to me.

 

Just a small reference to too much time having passed, or to a failed reconciliation attempt, might have added something to Malcolm's character, especially as it occurs right at the beginning of the story.

 

 

These are just some thoughts, RB, to take or leave!

 

In any event, I enjoyed the ride - thank you!

[Ron Blanco]

Much obliged, Tallyman. Your feedback is a big help and much appreciated.

 

Presentation

Thanks, will try to remember your tip for indentation next time. I suspect there are other aspects of presentation that I have yet to master.

 

Style

I agree that Rannygazoo is a great word, but Poindexter must stay also. I feel it is our duty as writers to introduce these words into the common vocabulary so that everyone might one day benefit from them. However, I am not an unreasonable man so, as a concession, I am willing to drop sagacious in any reworking that I do. I notice you didn’t quibble over indubitably, whose fate also hangs in the balance!

 

You mentioned the unrealistic dialogue with Troy which I agree with, although on counting the number of Hi's I think there are only 2. In the spirit of goodwill I am willing to remove one of them – that’s a 50% reduction in Hi’s.

 

Nice point also about the host's name. I wasn’t 100% clear about her myself, but I think Jacyntha would be closer than Trish. Presumably there is a point in a character's development where she warrants a name - I think I intended for her to have a lesser role, which might be why I didn't bother naming her.

 

Backstory

It's interesting you mention this as I did have a longer version but cut it down. Originally I had developed two aspects a bit further: Malcolm’s past relationship with his ex and some background to his nervousness with a flashback. I cut them out as I thought it was already getting a bit long and was concerned that people might not have time to read it. I agree it would have added something though.

 

Thanks again Tallyman. I see now how much work goes into these stories. I also see how important it is to give feedback on other people's stories as it is quite hard to judge how things will "come across".

[Tallyman]

Thanks, RB, I hope it was of some use!

 

I feel it is our duty as writers to introduce these words into the common vocabulary so that everyone might one day benefit from them.(EDIT)

 

LOL, I'm trying to work Callipygian into a story somewhere - it means having beautifully proportioned or finely developed buttocks! It's just a matter of finding the right vehicle...

 

If you haven't come across it yet, may I recommend 'Foyle's Philavery' by Christopher Foyle. It's a treasure trove of wonderful words that he's collected in an attempt to promote their continued use!

[scotty225]

Hello RB I just read this story and I am bowled over by it's quality. I laughted out loud many times. The attention to detail is staggering and the characters very believable. I will let my brother read this if you don't mind as he is in malcolm's position at the moment and it will really cheer him up. Please let me know if that is not ok. Well done fantastic piece of writing.

[pattricia]

A good belly laugh. Congratulations. Good storyline.

[Ron Blanco]

I will let my brother read this if you don't mind as he is in malcolm's position at the moment and it will really cheer him up.

 

Thanks Scotty, I'm glad you enjoyed it and hope your brother does too. I circulated it to a few friends and it received a mixed response.

 

Thanks also Patricia.

 

ps Tallyman, I will look out for Foyle's Philavery and meanwhile perhaps you'd like to propose Callipygian as the "Writers Group Word of the Month"?

[Mantaspook]

Hi Ron,

 

What can I say? That was one of the best and most polished stories we’ve seen on the group, and what superb informative feedback by Tallyman, I totally agree with the points he made.

 

The only sentence I wasn’t keen on was :As it happens, this was not a bad guess, but in fact Troy Micklewhite was a second rate insurance broker.

 

You’ve ‘told’ the reader, when it would have been better to ‘show’ them, perhaps with a bit of dialogue.

 

“Ere mate, you’re not looking for some car insurance are you? I ain’t made my target this month.”

 

The characterisation and the pace of the story were just right & I laughed out loud at several points, a really good story, I enjoyed it immensely.

[Ron Blanco]

Mantaspook. Thanks for the tips and the encouraging feedback. Perhaps I should take advantage of this "beginners luck" and send it in to a women's magazine. What do you think?

 

ps This month's task looks like a tough one.

[Mantaspook]

Hi Ron,

 

Apologies for not replying sooner, I’m very busy with some other projects at the moment. Think paint / ladders / casualty department etc.

 

I certainly think the story is good enough to consider sending to a women’s magazine, but there are a few modifications that you should consider to enhance your chances of publication.

 

1. Viewpoint – The women’s magazines usually feature stories aimed at their specific audience, therefore the main protagonist is usually a strong female, not a hapless male like Malcolm.

 

Variations on a theme include a woman who is initially in a weak position and during the course of the story overcomes some obstacle and becomes stronger, this Gloria Gaynor “I will survive” theme is very common.

 

What you have to do is essentially re-write the story from Alice’s perspective, for instance, she must be the one that has had a messy divorce, she must be subjected to the Biff! Bam! Kapow! Sequence with the travel bore, she must be the one who looks across at the surgically enhanced beauty with envious eyes (and a tiny bit of superiority when she realises she is an air-head) and she is the one who, after initially thinking he is an idiot, must be charmed by Malcolm’s puppy like appeal, that she thinks she can ‘house train’ him. (This is another common theme!)

 

As Tallyman pointed out you must alter the words that have the reader reaching for the dictionary ( “Rannygazoo" "Poindexter" "sagacious") so they do not hinder the flow of the story.

 

2. Edit for length – I suspect your story is a lot longer than the average mag would use, for instance one mag has a “five minute coffee break Story” – it’s one page of A4. –Do your research, buy a couple of the magazines and see which ones normally use the longer format. Your story is 3150 words, you may have to get it down to 2500 or less AND build in the backstory.

 

3. Polish your punctuation – Before you send it in, check and double check the punctuation, then get a pernickety friend to check it again, a lot of your sentences don’t have a full stop at the end but apart from that it’s not bad, read it out loud and check the pauses are where the commas say they should be.

 

4. Format Make sure your ‘manuscript’ is (a) Double spaced (b) uses a font like 12 point Times New Roman or Courier – don’t use a font that is too small or difficult to read (d) pages are numbered (e) has your contact details on the front sheet.(f) is grammatically perfect and well presented. (g) is addressed to the submissions editor BY NAME if you can find it, ring them and ask if necessary.

 

Like I said, buy the magazines and do your research first.

 

Some useful sites for you :

 

How to write for women’s magazines

 

Take a break

 

Chat Magazine

 

Woman Magazine

 

And a site that is no use whatsoever, but it is very funny.

 

Happy Woman Magazine.

 

I include it for this little gem of information: “Writing takes a long time to learn. Even when you think you wrote something good and nice, you could be wrong. Always ask other people to tell you what they think. What they think may not be what you think, but at least we are all thinking.”