Story: 'The Letter.'

[sauerkraut]

I hope I've interpreted Mantaspook's challenge correctly. Here's my April attempt, anyway, and as always I welcome all feedback

 

Link deleted by author

[Tallyman]

SPOILER WARNING: PLEASE READ SAUERKRAUT'S PIECE FIRST!

 

Nice one Sauerkraut

 

I'm trying not to reveal too much, so excuse me if I'm being a bit obtuse...

 

I think you managed to keep the interest going effortlessly through four and a half pages, with enough said at the end to make sense of it all, but also with a few things left for the reader to figure out for themselves. It made it a rather chilling tale!

 

I was wondering about the repeated use of 'does, doesn't it', 'was, wasn't it' etc., and whether you overdid it, but then I think that's just Steve's conversational habit reflected in his own writing.

 

I suppose it also indicates an insecurity in himself, wanting to please but constantly needing someone to agree with him, to let him know he's doing the right thing. As I understand it, people in Steve's position are often unable to recognise and interpret others' feelings, and understand social codes of behaviour, and his repeated questioning seems to signal that inability.

 

Very impressive! To tell the truth, I'm struggling with this month's challenge, and now I'm struggling even more after reading your contribution!!!

[sauerkraut]

Thanks very much, Tallyman. I'm relieved to have some feedback, and very pleased that the story maintained your interest. It was one of those weird scenarios where the character completely took over, so the letter is his and he's entirely to blame for any rambling or irritating mannerisms. The repeated "tag questions" got on my nerves too but they're one of Steve's idiosyncracies and I had to leave them in. Creepy, eh?

 

P.S. Hopman, thanks for the PM

[Hopman]

I think most people who read the piece will appreciate just how difficult it is to comment without giving the game away.

[coyleys]

Great job Sauerkraut

I think this may be a case for, not so much “The unreliable narrator” but “The unreliable reader” as it’s the reader that may get it wrong here and not the narrator. Having said that a cracking job, kept me guessing, all kinds of weird and wonderful think went through my mind.

Nice one

[Falls]

A nice piece of writing.

 

As Talliman said, you kept the interest right to the end.

 

Well done

 

Falls

[sauerkraut]

Thank you, peoples!

 

Steve must be one of the most unpleasant characters my imagination has ever come up with, but I think Coyleys is right that it's to some extent up to the reader just how nasty you want to make him. And I agree with Tallyman that his constant questioning reflects his insecurity and his need for approval, especially from that poor sister of his (although how innocent is she, I wonder?). Can't say he's someone I'd like to have in my family!

 

Thanks again for reading and commenting. Before this group I only ever really wrote for myself, but I'm discovering that it is very interesting to get other people's reactions (even if negative!) as everyone has their own "take" on what you've written.

 

I hope someone else will have a go at this month's theme soon as I'm still not even sure I've gone about it in the right way. Mantaspook was right when he warned us last month that he had a real challenge lined up for us this time

[Mantaspook]

SPOILER ALERT – READ THE STORY FIRST!

 

A very interesting story Sauerkraut, naturally, because we all know what this month’s theme is, it was fairly easy to anticipate how you were going to end it, but a reader that didn’t know the theme would have been less prepared.

 

I thought the misdirection in the early part of the story was well handled, when the letter writer is comparing their surroundings to the halls of residence in Southampton, so you think they have just started university.

 

One thing that threw me completely until the end was the sex of the letter writer, - I thought it was her sister writing the letter! Was this deliberate? I think it was because the light chatty style of letter writing seemed more feminine.

 

I agree with Tallyman that “was – wasn’t it” “could – couldn’t it” was a bit tiresome but in the context of the letter writers insecurity this is a verbal tic that makes sense later on.

 

Two suggestions that may improve the story, When Steve mentions ‘gangling Graham’ (twice) he apologises each time for bringing his name up “because I know how much it upsets you” – I think you should only apologise the first time, say your piece about Graham, then say something like “I’ll never mention his name again.”

 

Then bring his name up the second time with no apology and possibly no reference back to the earlier comment about Graham, this will unsettle the reader and make them speculate whether he is being malicious, incompetent or just downright insensitive.

 

The second thing I would suggest is to reinforce the reader’s perception that the letter writer is female and hint at a dark reason how Grahams demise came about.

 

Something like:

 

“People always said we looked alike, didn’t they? Well they would wouldn’t they? We were the same size and everything and I always admired your taste in jewellery and clothes, I could never resist trying your things on when you were at work. If only Graham had known that before he crept upstairs and grabbed me, I was wearing your yellow blouse and skirt so I suppose that’s why he was confused, I’m really sorry about the blouse, if you can’t was the blood out I’d like to buy you another one…”

 

Oh dear, we’re in Norman Bates territory, but you get the idea.

 

The ‘unreliable narrator’ theme is quite a challenge isn’t it? – My story based on this theme is called “The persistence of memory.” It’s still in editing at the moment, but I will upload it soon, assuming I can remember where I’ve left it.

[sauerkraut]

(Just to repeat the warning: read the story first!!)

 

Some interesting thoughts there, Mantaspook, thank you. Yes, I agree that Steve is probably a bit effeminate. But I'm not sure how the cross-dressing death scene (!) would work, since Graham supposedly met his end in the process of being taught a lesson - i.e. Steve got a bit carried away trying to persuade Graham to "see" his point of view.

 

You've given me a few things to think about anyway, thanks, and I'm looking forward to seeing your story. Hope you can find it

[Tallyman]

I'm getting visions of Steve in a satin basque and stockings lurching towards Graham with a Derringer in his hand and a murderous grin on his face...

 

But please ignore me, I'm seldom at my best on a friday night!

 

Apologies, Sauerkraut, that was idle banter, and in no way meant to insult your excellent work. Good grief, I hope I can come up with something before the end of the month!