Story: 'The Unreliable Narrator.'

[coyleys]

Well this month’s theme proved to be a daunting task; I put that down to the devious mind of our head honcho, anyway here’s my bash for this month.

 

It started off in life as a bit of a parody (now why doesn’t that surprise me) but then I started to play about with the old adjectives and the Jameson’s, then before you knew it, it turned into, well! For want of better words “The Delusions of a pre- adolescent mind.

 

All comment welcome, no matter how tribble.*

------------------

*Tribble= A small round fluffy loveable creature that dedicates its entire existence to eating corn and making love.

My hearts yearns to be a Tribble.

 

 

The unreliable narrator.

[Tallyman]

Great stuff Coyleys

 

I can see how it started as a parody, but I think it's ended up as a fond tribute to Enid Blyton - it was a really enjoyable read, with plenty of smiles along the way. I think you've a great character in Freddy, a lad with a wonderful imagination - perhaps he may turn up in future works?

 

So many good scenes in it - you made a great job of Mr Doyle, with his captivating storytelling, and as for Miss Attirer and Miss Bruxa - there are a pair like this in every school (it's Government policy I think!). I really liked your image of the characters on the cover of the Mills & Boon - I could almost hear them saying, "Oh, God, Mabel, here we go again - couldn't we just have a cup of tea...?"

 

A lovely story, nice one!

 

If you want some critical feedback, here are some things that came to mind for you to take or leave as you please!

 

SPOILER WARNING FROM HERE ON IN! PLEASE READ THE STORY FIRST!

 

These are just small points that occurred to me:

 

Consistency:

I felt that Freddy's knowledge of sex was inconsistent and a bit contradictory at times: for instance, he doesn't know what 'getting laid' is (he'll have to ask Johnny Taylor), he finds innuendos baffling, he doesn't know what 'rude things' are (Johnny will know again!), but then he knows enough to imagine Miss Attirer in the stationery cupboard doing strange and exciting things to him, and - and this is the bit - he can form the opinion that his mother's Mills & Boon is the closest his mother had come to any passion in the last 11 years. Also, he seems to know enough to talk about Elphaba stewing the sex glands of a barnacle with bromide (LOL, what a thought!!)

 

I suppose my point is that, given the naivety you've given Freddy elsewhere, how would he know enough to conclude that about his mother? And what would he know about the significance of bromide?!

 

Dragons...

I really liked Mr Doyle's joke about Dragons! It's a good gag, but perhaps it could have been even more punchy with a pause for effect? Something like:

"Dragons, lad? Yes, they still have dragons in Ireland - and in England too." Mr Doyle leaned a little closer to Freddy, making sure they weren't overheard before whispering: "But you never know where they are til you marry 'em." Seeing the puzzled look on Freddy's face, Mr Doyle gave a loud guffaw and slapped him on the back.

 

Elphaba and Zachariah

I'm sorry for my ignorance, Coyleys, but I had to look up Elphaba - and I'm still not sure about the significance of Freddy wanting to be Zachariah. I'm afraid thick people like me sometimes need a subtle hint!

 

The handwriting expert...

Please correct me if I got the wrong end of the stick, but it seemed to me that the policeman was being sarcastic to Freddy about needing to trace the letter via the franking stamp, and the handwriting expert, simply because all they needed was already on the letterhead. If that's the case, perhaps it could have been made a little more obvious? Perhaps making a big thing of how long, meticulous and expensive the process would normally be, and then saying something like: "Luckily for you, though, your anonymous letter was carefully written on your Dad's headed notepaper."

 

Last of all...

I confess, I was half expecting a double twist at the end, where the next day's newspapers had stories of a farmer (known as The Fox) being arrested

for having a secret bomb-making factory in one of his chicken sheds...!

 

These are just my rambling observations, though - the bottom line is that it was a rollicking good story

[scotty225]

Please read the story First.

 

Yes I agree that this is a "Ripping Yarn" and I too was expecting a bit of a twist at the end. I thought the characters you created in the teachers and the library were exelant and the Dragon gag was a high point for me. I was almost expecting Freddy to remember it during his altercation with Elphaba in the library. Great read Coyleys thanks.

[sauerkraut]

Well done, Coyleys! It's Enid Blyton, but not as we know it

 

My favourite line, I think, was about Miss Bruxa being dead but they'd forgotten to tell her!

 

I also had to look up Elphaba. They were obviously very well-educated at that school. In my simplicity, I assumed Freddy wished he was called Zachariah because it comes at the end of the alphabet and Miss Attira would have had to bend down further to get the card. Except the cards would have been filed by surname, not first name, so I'm probably wrong.

 

And I expected a double-twist at the end, too. Very strange that that telephone call should have been recorded. I think there's more to this than meets the eye and I'm hoping all will be explained in the next exciting instalment. I'd like to have seen poor old Watson, the mongrel, get more to do as he did sort of just disappear. Maybe hunting missing socks is more his forte and we'll see him in the sequel too.

 

Thanks, Coyleys, for a jolly good read

[Tallyman]

...I assumed Freddy wished he was called Zachariah because it comes at the end of the alphabet and Miss Attira would have had to bend down further to get the card...

 

Doh! Thanks, Sauerkraut - now I feel more thick for not spotting that

[coyleys]

Thanks for the feedback everybody and especially Tallyman, on reflection I’ve just learned a few things.

Yep! You are right about the barnacle/bromide.

I was about to post the story and thought, I’ll quickly add an extra line to that; a bad move on my part. When you have closed a story keep it closed, if you do open it “don’t quickly” do anything.

Apart from the dialogue there are two voices; the writer and Freddy’s thoughts. So as not to confuse the reader I put Freddy’s thoughts in italics, this seemed to have failed.

Sauerkraut was right about the “Zachariah” but I may have spelt it wrong as it should be a surname and not a Christian name.

And yes the policeman was being sarcastic about the letterhead, it could have been written better.

And lastly I agree, the end was a bit Naff, but given the time and my limited grey matter that’s all I could come up with .

 

I’m really pleased with the feedback,it has given me food for thought, after all that is what the group is all about.

Cheers Cats, peace and vegetable rights.

[Ron Blanco]

I really enjoyed this Coyleys.

 

I liked the story as a whole, but in particular: "filament of the imagination"; the bit about the poor old mongrel; the speculation as to what lay up Miss Bruxa's skirt and of course Miss Attirers curves. She reminded me of a Maths teacher I had at school called Miss Page who was similarly well formed. She wasn't very good at Maths though. I really fell for her and was so disheartened when she eventually got married. How could she do such a thing?

 

I did also wonder if Doyle would turn out to be an IRA man and was surprised when he wasn't. You've reminded me that a good, enjoyable story doesn't necessarily have to have a twist at the end nor does it necessarily have to be read several times to be appreciated.

 

I've not looked up Elphaba yet, but I'm looking forward to doing so and finding out what that's all about.

 

Your story has rounded my evening off nicely. Thanks Coyleys.

[coyleys]

Glad you enjoyed it Ron.

 

I've not looked up Elphaba yet, but I'm looking forward to doing so and finding out what that's all about.

 

I like to give the character names some significance to the story, like Miss Attirer, Miss Bruxa, ( any idea?) and also I like to leave some details that are open for discussion, the likes of; I use the name Elphaba but there’s reference to the 1989 bomb blast that’s 6 years before Elphaba became a character, or is it?

[Ron Blanco]

Hi Coyleys,

 

Having looked into this...

 

Am I correct in thinking Attirer is "an attractive woman", Bruxa a witch and Elphaba another witch?

 

Very clever names, although when it comes to naming I think SK's "Gangling Graham" takes some beating.

 

As for the 1989 bomb conundrum I am baffled.