Ron Blanco Posted April 28, 2008 Share Posted April 28, 2008 Here's my short story contribution for April Grand Finale. I'd really appreciate your feedback and suggestions on how to improve it. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
sauerkraut Posted April 29, 2008 Share Posted April 29, 2008 Read the story first, folks! Excellent, RB! Your piece was so full of sound - the different kinds of ringing, and the musical imagery, even sound from the candle - it all fitted together beautifully. Right near the end I was starting to get a bit nervous, thinking "please don't finish with that old cliche 'then I woke up and it had all been a dream' " My apologies for doing you such an injustice - of course it didn't end like that & it was like the story having the last laugh in a way - twisting that cliche to its own ends and of course making me go back, read again, and see everything in a new light. Great stuff P.S. Great title, too. I often find thinking up titles the hardest part. Grande Finale is just right. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ron Blanco Posted April 29, 2008 Author Share Posted April 29, 2008 Thanks SK, I remembered your comments to MW about stimulating the senses more. I also indented my dialogue as recommended by Tallyman, so although it wasn't a barrel of laughs it should at least have been easier to read! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
scotty225 Posted April 30, 2008 Share Posted April 30, 2008 RB Not being the technically astute kind I am not able to give you a detailed critique as some of the others do so well, but here is how it fealt to me. It was a fantastic read. My pulse raced faster the further I got on to it and the ending was almost a relief. I feel the way you descride in a three dimensional way was very powerful. Sound colour, texture and form were all in there as well as a few shocks to agitate the readers emotions. It always had a cloak of darkness about it and although I'm not sure how you did it, it never quite felt like anything was real in the story. As for unreliable, there is no one less reliable is there? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ron Blanco Posted May 1, 2008 Author Share Posted May 1, 2008 Thanks Scotty. I'm delighted that you reacted to it in that way as that was what I was trying to achieve - gradually building up, lots of sound and imagery but dark throughout with a dream-like quality. I appreciate your comments. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tallyman Posted May 1, 2008 Share Posted May 1, 2008 Ron Well done with the indented dialogue Seriously, though, what a beautifully painted piece! You took so much trouble to choose exactly the right words and phrases - the burning factory "trapped within an amber net" is so good I can see it instantly. Your whole story had that dark, foreboding feel to it, where nothing seemed quite right at all. It was as though everything familiar had just shifted a tad to the right, and now didn't look quite as it should. Like Sauerkraut, I thought for a brief moment that it was a 'it's all been a dream' story, but of course it wasn't as simple as that, and I also knew I had to go back to the beginning to re-read it in a new light. Really great work - a smashing story Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ron Blanco Posted May 14, 2008 Author Share Posted May 14, 2008 Thanks Tallyman. Some of the images possibly derived from an unsettling feeling I once had when looking at a painting, in Madrid, called Guernica. Do you know it? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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