Story: 'Silky Blouse.'

[Ron Blanco]

Here's my short story contribution for May

 

Silky Blouse.

 

I'd really appreciate your feedback and suggestions on how to improve it.

[shoeshine]

I can't issue advice in bettering the story, RB, but my mind's boggling about what may come next!

[coyleys]

Hi Ron.

Good story nicely constructed some good bits of descriptive inserts and had an easy flow to it, not quite sure of the end especially the last sentence, is this one of those that is left for the readers mind to conclude? I think you need to rework the ending.

Other than that great stuff.

[Ron Blanco]

Thanks Coyleys, I will have another look at the ending.

[Ron Blanco]

... but my mind's boggling about what may come next!

 

I think a happy story, with a happy ending

[Tallyman]

RB,

 

What a great piece, with so much in it I don’t know where to start, so excuse me if I ramble on...

 

I should also say that I take my hat off to you for submitting something this month – I just couldn’t get my act together at all – so excuse me taking the coward’s way out by just discussing yours instead!

 

I’ve tried to separate topics under headings.

 

General comments

 

I thought your story was a really enjoyable read, obviously very carefully crafted, with some great images and wonderful moments.

 

What a great idea to bring Troy back! Together with some of the others, it was like meeting some old friends and, although the story stands alone for anyone who didn’t read ‘Seconds Out’, using characters you’ve already created allowed you a bit of a head start. You tied his present circumstances into the previous story seamlessly, and I thought that worked very well.

 

You’ve explored Troy’s motivation with an impressive realism, making it very easy to accept the reasons why he behaves as he does, and his subsequent actions seemed to me to logically follow from that which had gone before.

 

I was very impressed by your use of natural phenomena to reflect what was happening between Troy and Jenny: the dust motes, normally out of sight, becoming visible in the ‘fusty’ atmosphere, your use of sunlight and shade, the start of a breeze, all seeming to reflect Troy’s gradual revelations, shady secrets being drawn out into the sunlight. Very nicely crafted, I thought.

 

In the light of all the above, please take the following as minor comments on style and/or plotting that I picked up on, which you might find useful:

Troy’s wife, Trish (Nice name, by the way!!)

Troy’s motivation for serial womanising is revealed later in the story, but he describes Trish’s qualities in a way that makes him seem almost in awe of her.

 

What was it about her that didn’t satisfy his need for affection, love and attention? She had enough about her to bring him to the altar, but what was still missing that meant he couldn’t stop his wandering? And why was she the first person Troy wanted to talk about?

 

Jenny’s blouse and stockings (oo er missus)

You describe Jenny’s cream top when she moves out from behind her desk. But later, she reveals it again when she takes her jacket off. Perhaps Troy shouldn’t have noticed it before if it was going to have the later effect?

 

Now, the stockings... When Jenny first moves from behind the desk, you describe her as wearing stockings. As this is Troy’s point of view, he is clearly making an assumption – they could, after all, be tights or hold-ups. Only later, when Jenny gets up again, does Troy notice the outline of suspenders under her skirt, confirming an earlier assumption. Now, Troy, being a serial womaniser and presumably a afficionado in all things related to womanising, I’d have thought he’d have made an educated guess about the stockings, and feel pleased with himself later for being right.

 

In other words, when Jenny came out from behind the desk, Troy could have eyed her up and made a bet with himself about whether she was a ‘stockings’ type of person or not, then congratulated himself later when the evidence confirmed he was right. It’s the sort of smug thing I’d suspect someone like Troy would pride himself on.

Points of view

Some parts of the story are described from Troy’s point of view, others from Jenny’s. Other times, it seems as if the narrator is a third party, watching the two characters. This is a difficult thing to get to grips with, and can sometimes become confusing. In a way, it’s about playing God, I think.

 

When you write from Troy’s point of view, you can describe what he’s feeling, but can only observe the outward signs of Jenny’s behaviour. When writing from Jenny’s point of view, the opposite applies. When writing from a third party’s point of view, you can describe both characters’ outward behaviour, but you would have to be ‘playing God’ to know what both of them are thinking, feeling or are about to do next.

 

None of these positions are necessarily wrong, but you have switched between them in the course of your piece, and sometimes it can confuse the reader – for instance, why do I know what Troy is thinking at one moment, but not the next?

 

Exclamation!

You’ve used an exclamation mark a couple of times: “Whatever!” and “...about four hours!” Somehow, I found this a little confusing, and maybe that’s down to the way individuals interpret the mark. For me, it’s almost a jump in the air accompanied by a big smile - which is why it didn’t seem to fit with the mood you’d created in those situations. Maybe that’s just me though...

 

The sudden turn

At a crucial turning point, Troy suddenly decides he and Jenny aren’t getting anywhere, and that the whole thing is useless. What triggered this sudden turnaround? He seems nervous, fiddling in his trouser pocket, but what causes him to snap and walk out? What’s the nerve Jenny hits?

 

Having just seen Coyleys' comment about the ending, I thought I'd add that I thought the ending was very good - I interpreted it as a breakthrough - the sun coming out from behind the clouds - but in making that single breakthrough, the floodgates have opened, and revealed all the smaller shadows, the individual contributing problems that together have caused Troy's behaviour. (Though I could be completely wrong!!)

 

As I said, this is just my feedback for what it’s worth – the main thing is, I really enjoyed the story!

 

Very, very entertaining!

[Ron Blanco]

Thanks for your encouraging comments Tallyman, which I take on board.

 

I included your suggestion for the name Trish as a trick to secure your vote in this month's competition. My intention is to have more stories in the future that link back to that original speed dating one.

 

I take your point about the timing of my references to Jenny's attire. Rest assured I did deliberate for quite some time over her stockings and suspenders, but i will try to make it more airtight.

 

Criticising my use of exclamation marks?? How dare you!!! Just kidding there, Tallyman, it's a fair point.

 

Yes, you're quite right about the ending, the myriad shadows representing lots of smaller problems. "Warming Troy and Jenny" was meant to plant a seed for them as a possible future couple. Plausible, you think? Thanks for your comments about the natural phenomena, light and shade etc. The wasp also was intended to represent something hidden and negative that was on the brink of bursting forth. I wrote these things with a certain amount of unease. I made some comments last month about the seemingly cryptic nature of short stories and yet this month I appear to have gone out of my way to include many such cryptic bits. "Hypocrite!" I hear you shout.

 

The sudden turn was prompted by her revealing (in full glory, as opposed to the earlier glimpse) her satin (or silky) top, it being a subconscious trigger for Troy back to his mother and those associated feelings of rejection, being excluded and not being loved.

 

I'm particularly interested in your comment about the narrator. I need to learn how to handle this better so I'd be grateful if you could point out one or two bits where the discrepancy in viewpoint was most striking for you. Although you'd be well within your rights to argue that you've taken enough trouble already to make some excellent comments. I do appreciate it and learn from it.

 

Thanks Tallyman

[Tallyman]

Ron

 

Thanks for taking my comments with such good grace; there's always a lot to say about your work - and I mean that in a good way!

 

As for the examples you asked for:

 

Troy's point of view

When Jenny moves away from the desk, Troy surveys her and we find out what she's wearing. But the fact that he was impressed, and that his imagination decided to shoot an extra scene, indicates we're seeing things from his point of view - we know what he's thinking.

 

Later, in the car park, when Troy's eyes glaze and we catch a glimpse of his past, that again is from his point of view. That's the only way we would know what he was thinking and remembering.

 

Jenny's point of view

When Jenny smiles impartially, we learn that she thinks it's hard to be impartial sometimes. That can only come from knowing her point of view.

 

When Jenny fills in her notes after the session, we find out what she's thinking - that it was a mistake to suggest a change. We also learn how she felt she dealt with the session. This is personal, internal, information about Jenny - from her point of view.

 

Observer's point of view

Much of the descriptive passages are from the point of view of a neutral observer: The description of the room, the movements of the characters, the changes in weather, appearance of the wasp etc. There's no suggestion during these passages that you're seeing these things 'through the eyes' of either character, thus they are neutral and unbiased.

 

Observer playing God

Troy is described as 'usually brash and confident'. A neutral observer wouldn't know this - it's an opinion beyond the realms of neutrality. But we're not coming to this understanding of Troy through his, or Jenny's, eyes either.

 

When both characters look over to the wasp and are 'expecting it to fly into the room', how do we know that? Unless, of course, we are in both characters' heads at once, or the 'neutral' observer can see into their minds!

 

 

Alternatives

It's possible to reduce the number of different points of view in many ways, and a lot has been written about that by better people than me. But, for example:

 

Starting a passage with 'Troy settled himself on the couch and took in his surroundings' would let you describe the room through Troy's eyes. Using a phrase like 'Jenny glanced towards the window' would let you describe the wasp incident, or the weather changes, from her point of view. Both these approaches could remove the need for a neutral observer.

 

There's no problem in changing points of view from Jenny to Troy and back again (in my opinion), but it helps if you signal the change (for example, using 'As Jenny rose from her seat, Troy took the opportunity to study her more closely' as a way to bring the reader into Troy's mind, so we can see what he's thinking. I also feel it's better to stay with one character for a reasonable length of time before changing back to the other's point of view.

 

 

Please note, Ron, these are only my opinions, and should be treated as such, to be ignored or considered as you please! Others may well have different ideas, and I hope they express them here. But that, after all, is what it's all about

[Ron Blanco]

Thanks Tallyman. Your message is an education for me. It has opened my eyes to this whole aspect of writing. I am in your debt.

 

I wouldn't dream of ignoring your advice - surely you know that by now e.g. Trish, indentation, ... but if I do happen to forget today's wisdom then please don't hesitate to point it out.

 

"Cheers!" ron said, as he jumped in the air, smiling.

[Tallyman]

Ron,

 

Somehow I get the feeling you have a great sense of humour. I was going to put a '!' there, but I'm feeling self-conscious about it now