Story: 'Silky Blouse.'

[sauerkraut]

I enjoyed reading your story, RB. I’m not sure I should even try to add to Tallyman’s detailed comments, but I’ll have a go anyway .

 

Like Tallyman, I liked the structure and the way the nature elements reflect what’s going on in the story – the breeze picking up after Troy admits he wants to be accepted, the wasp flying in after Troy mentions his mother being proud of Alice ... I found that very effective. I also found I could picture the scene very well, the slightly fusty office with the traffic noise outside and the thin partition walls where you could hear muffled sounds from the neighbouring room – it was all portrayed very well.

 

I liked the expressions “trespassed outside of his comfort zone” and the traffic noise “gatecrashing the session.” Both words imply something illicit, and to me that helped underline the fact that speaking about his feelings in therapy like this is uncharted territory for Troy, almost with a sense that he feels there’s something not quite right about what he’s doing.

 

I also liked the way the character of Troy is portrayed. You feel he’s acting very true to type when he sizes up Jenny as she moves round the room. That helps underline what he says about himself when he admits he’s a womanizer.

 

One thing I wasn’t entirely comfortable with was the shift in gear at the end of page 2/start of page 3. As Troy lists his series of conquests and Jenny tries to suppress her reaction there’s a rising feeling of humour, culminating in a laugh out loud moment when he mentions the mother-in-law. (Sorry if it wasn’t meant to be funny – it might be I only saw it that way because of your evident sense of humour elsewhere in SFWG.)Then comes the lorry setting off the car alarm and everything starts getting much more serious again. For me, that seems to come a bit too suddenly. But that could well be just me. Also probably just me, but I had to giggle a bit at “I can’t seem to keep it in my trousers.” Troy’s mouth drooped... " [my italics] Perhaps an unfortunate choice of word in that context??

 

I think Troy’s agitation when he notices the blouse is very well described. It’s obvious that something has made him very uncomfortable. Like Tallyman, I wonder if the cause needs to be made a little clearer. Maybe, when Jenny’s appearance is first described, you could tell us that she’s wearing a navy-stripe skirt suit and that Troy “catches a glimpse of some kind of cream top” under the jacket. Then later, when she takes the jacket off, it could be made clear that he notices at that point that she’s wearing a satin blouse. Just a thought.

 

Just to be awkward, there were a couple of places where I might have preferred a little less description:

 

"Dr Young finally intervened, extending her arm towards Troy, palms forward, curbing his flow like a skilled traffic officer."

 

I’m not sure you need “curbing the flow”. As a reader, I like to work out for myself what her action means – if that makes sense.

 

"She struggled initially, trying to escape his grip. An impala trapped by a lion. But, realising his overwhelming strength, she succumbed and placed herself at his mercy. He spat out his frustration…"

 

An impala trapped by a lion is perhaps a bit over-dramatic and I don’t think it would hurt to omit it. And instead of “and placed herself at his mercy” (cliché?) how about simply “and waited for what might come next.” Again, it’s just a thought.

 

I liked the way you handled the ending. I thought it implied that a relationship might develop between Troy and Jenny, with all the sadness that would involve for the other people it would affect.

 

I’d also like to add to Tallyman’s congratulations for being the first to have a go at this theme. It wasn’t as easy as it might have sounded, was it? And as usual I want to stress that I have no qualifications whatsoever as any kind of critic and the above are just my views as an avid reader of stories. Feel free to take on board or completely ignore as you see fit!

 

Oh and I nearly forgot to say: I love the title. Hot contender for the SFWG fruit gums award, I would say.

[Ron Blanco]

Thanks SK.

 

Thanks for pointing out the bits you liked. It's very satisfying when some bits work.

 

Your point about the shift from 'humour' to 'serious' does mirror my own indecision regarding the overall tone. I started with the idea of creating quite an intense, authentic story. Then I changed my mind as the previous story had done my head in. So I decided instead to try 'humorous and poignant' and that's when I wrote the section about his indiscretions, which was meant to be funny. But as it developed I found that I naturally reverted to a more serious tone. Thanks for pointing out that incongruity.

 

[your own critique has had me in stitches, by the way 'humorous and astute' I would say]

 

Judging by your comment about the 'cream satin top' turning point, which Tallyman also pointed out, I see that I need to make it a bit more obvious.

 

Fair point about the redundant phrase "curbing his flow".

 

As for "impala trapped by a lion" - I'm glad you raised it. I did intend for the image to be a bit uncomfortable with the woman helplessly overpowered. I wanted to make a comparison with the animal kingdom, where this sort of thing goes on all the time, acting as a reminder that we are all animals underneath our civilised exteriors. I thought about that phrase for quite a while, but not long enough, it seems.

 

I'm chuffed you liked the ending. So far I have 2 in favour, 1 against and 1 don't know.

 

And the title - yes, I really liked it too, so much in fact that we have adopted it as our quiz team name in my local pub, 'The Cobden View'.

 

I'm looking forward to reading 'Janet Goes Nuts' later, but should my comments be 'humorous and poignant' or 'intense and serious'? I just can't decide. Perhaps I'll go for 'inane and stupid', as usual.

 

Thanks again Sauerkraut, much appreciated.