sauerkraut Posted June 9, 2008 Share Posted June 9, 2008 Sorry I've been AWOL so long! Here at last is my May contribution - thanks for extending the deadline, Mantas! Link deleted by author I shall try to catch up on reading the pieces I've missed as soon as poss Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
shoeshine Posted June 9, 2008 Share Posted June 9, 2008 Wow! This latest contribution from you has been a pleasure to read, sauerkraut. Anyone for a Walnut Whip? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
sauerkraut Posted June 10, 2008 Author Share Posted June 10, 2008 Thank you very much Shoeshine, and I do appreciate you reading this (all 2600 words of it) when you could have been watching football instead! I love walnut whips Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tallyman Posted June 10, 2008 Share Posted June 10, 2008 What a great story, Sauerkraut! Meant in the nicest possible way, it was effortless to read - no typos, no awkward phrases, nothing to trip the reader up and cause a hiccup. And the language you used was so good - a broad and interesting vocabulary, using lovely 'woody' words, but never too obscure as to obstruct the tale. I loved both Mr Prices and Mr Simpkins - you created instantly recognisable and memorable characters in only a few words - just the names and the '...oh my goodness gracious' brought Simpkins to life and I had an immediate mental image of him. I think your story progressed perfectly logically, and I was easily drawn along by it. I realise it's heavily reliant on the narrator, with very little dialogue breaking it up, but I don't think it's any the worse for that, especially as it moves on at such good pace. I hope you'll take this as a compliment, but I was reminded in some ways of Maeve Binchy's writing. Whatever people's opinions of her work's place in the annals of great literature, there's one thing I hope most would agree with: her stories are so easy to read, and so fluid, that it comes as a shock when you look back and discover how many new characters you've met, how many places you've been, and how many friends you've made along the way. Your story felt a bit like that for me - it was artfully constructed so as to be easy to read, and yet by then end we find we've covered such a lot of ground! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
sauerkraut Posted June 11, 2008 Author Share Posted June 11, 2008 Gosh. Thank you, Tallyman I'm especially pleased that you found it easy to read. I had in the back of my mind that I wanted to write in the style of Mr Price Senior, since a lot of it was seen from his point of view, but I wondered afterwards if that made it sound too wordy and pretentious. In fact since posting this version I've spent a bit of time trying to work out a revised version with shorter sentences. Not sure that will ever see the light of day, though. And I certainly do take it as a compliment to be compared to Maeve Binchy (not sure how she'd view it though!). I've got a couple of her books and you've inspired me to start reading one again. It's made me realise that I certainly need to work on writing more dialogue. Thanks again, and hopefully you'll be having a go at this theme soon, too . Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ron Blanco Posted June 12, 2008 Share Posted June 12, 2008 Hello SK, "Janet Goes Nuts" is an enjoyable and very tidy piece of work. I will explain the bits I liked best and try to offer some suggestions for additional ingredients. In particular it is an excellent example of the "character motivation" theme that Mantaspook is looking for. Janet's character is built up throughout the story very thoroughly leaving the reader in no doubt that she is, primarily, a patient and obedient woman. This is developed largely through descriptions of her aptitude for household chores and tedious activities. But I also liked the way you allow other people in the story to provide character references and thereby consolidate her character: Her mother describes her as "Quite the little mother". Mr Price Senior employs her due to his knowledge of her impeccable behaviour. Her fellow students awarded her a special award for diligence By building up her character so solidly it makes it all the more effective when she does act out of character during her nut frenzy. I like the way you have structured the story, with the excellent opening outburst grabbing the reader's attention and then returning to that scene, from a different perspective, at the end. I agree with Tallyman about the names. Spot on. So, what could be added? I have tried to think of some ideas, but I have to admit I am not sure whether or not they would make the story better or worse. I'll let you decide. About the dialogue. You have used it sparingly, which makes it more effective when it is used. I would suggest perhaps a couple more quotes would break up and enhance the longer sections of narrative. Perhaps an additional quote from Janet's dad: "She's nowt special to look at, but she'll make someone a good wife" That would have the additional benefit of providing an extra 'character reference' to those I mentioned above. I also wondered if it might work if you tried to enrich the narrative with more nut references: Janet slaved in the hot kitchen, until she was virtually dry-roasted. "She's as crazy as a coconut", Mr Price Junior whimpered. She toiled until her eyes resembled half-open pistachios Perhaps also including comparisons and metaphors that use husks, shells and kernels. I did also wonder if she might even start to take on the appearance of a walnut, developing wrinkles and worry lines as she performed her shelling. Perhaps that would be a different story though. It is a very imaginative and well executed piece and I'd be interested to know where on earth you plucked the idea from. Nice work ps One final thought. Perhaps the character of Mr Price Senior would be enhanced if he were the user of a motorised wheelchair? Yes, I think that would work. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
sauerkraut Posted June 13, 2008 Author Share Posted June 13, 2008 Thank you very much for your comments, RB. You've obviously put a lot of time into your response and I appreciate it. Your nutty references (so to speak) would make the piece funnier. Like you, I was a bit torn between poignancy and humour. In fact I saw a few similarities between our stories, with the child wanting to be loved by its mum angle. I'll put a motorised wheelchair in my story if you'll include one in yours Where the idea came from is a bit of a mystery to me too, but I think it has its origins in a local band called Sammy Goes Nuts, the walnut tree outside our front door, and our neighbour's little old aunty who spends hours shelling walnuts for freezing because she likes to make herself useful. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ron Blanco Posted June 14, 2008 Share Posted June 14, 2008 I think it has its origins in a local band called Sammy Goes Nuts, the walnut tree outside our front door, and our neighbour's little old aunty who spends hours shelling walnuts for freezing because she likes to make herself useful. That's interesting, it's funny where some of these ideas come from. I'll put a motorised wheelchair in my story if you'll include one in yours It's a deal. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
coyleys Posted June 17, 2008 Share Posted June 17, 2008 Great story SK, as with all your work it had a nice and easy flow to it, for some reason your writing reminds me of the style of Rosamunde Pilcher (Jane Fraser) not that I’m an expert that is. Anyway, a crackin story, excuse the pun, Keep em coming Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
sauerkraut Posted June 18, 2008 Author Share Posted June 18, 2008 Thank you very much coyleys. Did Rosamunde Pilcher also write as Jane Fraser? Well, I never knew that. You learn something new every day. I'm not sure my scribblings really bear any comparison but it's very flattering to hear, anyway Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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