All Tongue-in-cheek

[coyleys]

The other day whilst I was once again rummaging in the loft, for what eludes me for the moment, I noticed between the joists a bulge in the loft insulation, upon a much closer erection I discovered an amazing find; no! Not the Dead Sea scrolls, volume two, or the secret dairies of Whippy Jackson, but something much more exciting, yes! You got it, the school home work of young Coyley, something which hasn’t seen the light of day for 41 years.

 

For a brief moment my mind drifted back to my school days, the happy days, the days of dripping sarnies, cowheel and custard, the days of the great unwashed. Then after cleaning all the dust, cobwebs and numerous crustaceous bogies off this gold mine of nostalgic scribbling I sat down to read, there was one particular composition I felt the need to share with the club, a little narrative I remember being compelled to write by my teacher.

Whilst reading this piece and some of my other scribblings, which I may add were invested in typos, but have since cleaned up, I realised that even at such a young age, my gift in the unorthodox use of perspective adjectives linked with the occasional input of bohemian grammar was beginning to shine through in the form of noumenon malapropisms in my writings of today.

 

This particular example of my earlier writing is heavily reliant on the archaic Wybournistic grammar of that era, and so I suggest you refer to your dusty old copy of “Colourful metaphors of the Shakespearian era” volume three.

 

Upon handing this writing to my scholastic mentor, who, I could tell was instantly impressed, gave me the look of non compost mentis, and then preceded to chant or rant in what I suspected was some ancient Celtic dialect, well, he was from Pitsmoor, and finished with “Well! I suppose it will have to chuffin do lad” which to my ears was “this is exceptional work lad” I then hastened to the school library to look up the meaning of the word “simpleton” this proved to be a total waste of time as the only solitary book on offer in the whole school library was “The Spiritual philosophies of a Victorian Bed Wetter” and that was wrote in Garlic.

 

Anyway without further ado, here is my little composition which I was compelled to write, I think you will all agree with me when I say; “I believe even to this day this is one of my greater works”, I will no doubt get a load of criticism from you lot, especially on my repetitive use of the transitive adverbs, but remember I was only 14 at the time of writing.

 

This should not be included in the monthly comp as it would give me an unfair advantage.

 

Enjoy

 

Article A

 

or this one.

 

Article B

[sauerkraut]

The other day whilst I was once again rummaging in the loft, for what eludes me for the moment

 

So that's where you've been!

 

If ever I venture into our loft I take a rucksack of provisions and leave a note asking the family to send a search party if I haven't returned within a week.

 

And whatever you were searching for will continue to elude you until you don't need it any more. Then it will fall out of the loft hatch and hit you on the head. Trust me, I know.

 

Anyway, after all that great buildup I can't get your link to work...

[coyleys]

Well! My attempt to inject a bit of levity this month fell on stony ears.

“nay mind” Coyley gives a sigh “It’ll all come art in wesh”

[shoeshine]

Well! My attempt to inject a bit of levity this month fell on stony ears.

“nay mind” Coyley gives a sigh “It’ll all come art in wesh”

 

You should have joined the Boy's Brigade. As a Trumpet player, coyleys.

[Hopman]

I seem to recall that whilst downloading for reading purposes is permitted, saving documents to media other than the author's, even if only on a temporary basis is in contravention of terms and conditions. If this still be the case, then I fear that we have a curious situation here, since to fully appreciate this magnificent work, we need to save it on our own computer to observe closely the subtle font changes during the course of the story.

Add to this the unbearable build up of tension as the drama unfolds. We wonder just what the eventual resolution might be; which 1960s icon might arrive to rescue our intrepid hero from his fate. I have no desire to spoil the shock of the ending for other readers.

All I can say is that the stunning (and some might say humbling) use of English orthography demonstrates that here we have a master on the class.

[Ron Blanco]

Don't forget the monthly theme though Coyleys. I would be interested to see how you would re-write from the perspective of a woman.

[Hopman]

Don't forget the monthly theme though Coyleys. I would be interested to see how you would re-write from the perspective of a woman.

 

Maybe a pink font?

[Ghostrider]

So you had an erection on the loft?

[coyleys]

I sure did Ghostrider.

 

You had an erection in the loft

 

Check this line out....

I realised that even at such a young age, my gift in the unorthodox use of perspective adjectives linked with the occasional input of bohemian grammar was beginning to shine through in the form of noumenon malapropisms in my writings of today.

 

I knew I’d get someone.

[Hopman]

It was when I heard a piece of music by Philip Glass last weekend that I realised just how effective Coyleys's contribution could be as a libretto. Has anyone responded to the instruction "In case of minimalist emergency, break Glass"?