Story: 'The Ballad of Brendann McGuire.'

[Annoni_mouse]

Here's my latest offering for the group - The Ballad of Brendann McGuire

 

It's a tall story (in more ways than one ). I wanted to have a go at writing the kind of stories I used to enjoy reading as a kid.

 

As ever I'm always open to the groups sage advice

 

The Ballard of Brendann McGuire

[Mantaspook]

A very good story, the tale unfolds at a nice brisk pace and is told in a charming manner, this is a particularly good example of choosing the right words to match the story.

 

It’s as old as the blue that colours the sky, and it’s about a man called Brendann McGuire.

 

and

 

There in the field, as large as the tales had told, was Brendann McGuire, a ewe in one hand and a cart in the other!

 

Brilliant, you can almost hear the Irish lilt as you read the words, the entire story has an authentic ring to it, the reader is left in no doubt that the narrator comes from Ireland.

 

Its almost a shame to attempt to improve it but here are three suggestions that may be worth incorporating, the first one is that the Inn keeper should be portrayed initially as a very shrewd man, possibly even devious, you touch upon this briefly ("They would stay in the tavern downcast, but the inn’s good cheer and its plentiful whisky soon drowned their disappointment.") but it needs more emphasis, it should be shown that the landlord is exploiting the legend to bring customers to his tavern, this would contrast with Brendann's initial naivety and make the role reversal at the end -when Brendann is revealed to be the shrewd one - even more satisfying.

 

The second suggestion is that the story may benefit from the introduction of a few more Irish names, not the usual 'Mick & Paddy' though, the inn keeper should be called something like 'Rafferty' as it's a good Irish name, it sounds rakish and would suit his devious character. Should the Englishman be named? On balance, I think not.

 

Thirdly one of the delightful characteristics of these stories is the 'throw away' line where the narrator mentions something very odd in passing, as though it’s a quite normal event in Ireland - (ie: "The O' Donnolans had a horse called Colin that slept in the downstairs parlour after they bought a car.") - It would make the story even taller & the narrator has to be subtle to not give the game away.

 

The story length was perfect, if you do decide to have a re-write using the above suggestions try to keep the story the same length, I think this can be done but you'd have to be judicious as to what to delete, what could be said with fewer words and what to add to inject a little more 'local colour'.

[Annoni_mouse]

A very good story, the tale unfolds at a nice brisk pace and is told in a charming manner, this is a particularly good example of choosing the right words to match the story.

 

It’s as old as the blue that colours the sky, and it’s about a man called Brendann McGuire.

 

and

 

There in the field, as large as the tales had told, was Brendann McGuire, a ewe in one hand and a cart in the other!

 

Brilliant, you can almost hear the Irish lilt as you read the words, the entire story has an authentic ring to it, the reader is left in no doubt that the narrator comes from Ireland.

 

Its almost a shame to attempt to improve it but here are three suggestions that may be worth incorporating, the first one is that the Inn keeper should be portrayed initially as a very shrewd man, possibly even devious, you touch upon this briefly ("They would stay in the tavern downcast, but the inn’s good cheer and its plentiful whisky soon drowned their disappointment.") but it needs more emphasis, it should be shown that the landlord is exploiting the legend to bring customers to his tavern, this would contrast with Brendann's initial naivety and make the role reversal at the end -when Brendann is revealed to be the shrewd one - even more satisfying.

 

The second suggestion is that the story may benefit from the introduction of a few more Irish names, not the usual 'Mick & Paddy' though, the inn keeper should be called something like 'Rafferty' as it's a good Irish name, it sounds rakish and would suit his devious character. Should the Englishman be named? On balance, I think not.

 

Thirdly one of the delightful characteristics of these stories is the 'throw away' line where the narrator mentions something very odd in passing, as though it’s a quite normal event in Ireland - (ie: "The O' Donnolans had a horse called Colin that slept in the downstairs parlour after they bought a car.") - It would make the story even taller & the narrator has to be subtle to not give the game away.

 

The story length was perfect, if you do decide to have a re-write using the above suggestions try to keep the story the same length, I think this can be done but you'd have to be judicious as to what to delete, what could be said with fewer words and what to add to inject a little more 'local colour'.

 

 

Thanks for the kind words Manta

 

This was actually a piece I wrote around the start of the year, and I subsequently entered it into the 'authorvauthor' competition in the Star (not a good move in retrospect, but hey ho!) and a very small part of it was published in the Star to advertise the competition.

 

For me as an Englishmen, the hardest part of writing this story was making it sound authentic without resorting to stereotypes, and I'm pleased you picked up on that aspect

 

I'll (eventually) get round to making the alterations in line with your recommendations - I particularly liked the throw away line and I have a few ideas

[Tallyman]

I really enjoyed this tale, congratulations

 

Mantaspook was right when he talked about the wonderful lilt to your language and the gentle telling of the story.

 

It was a joy to read, and there's nothing I can add to Manta's useful comments.

 

Thanks for posting such a great tale

[Annoni_mouse]

I really enjoyed this tale, congratulations

 

Mantaspook was right when he talked about the wonderful lilt to your language and the gentle telling of the story.

 

It was a joy to read, and there's nothing I can add to Manta's useful comments.

 

Thanks for posting such a great tale

 

Thanks very much for the kind words

 

I'm really pleased you enjoyed the story, I must admit I really enjoyed myself writing this one. It took me back to all those tales I read when I was a wee nipper!

[SallyLaLaLa]

Sorry if this sounds really green, I really want to read this but I can't log into communitynet.org I've looked at their homepage and can't figure it out.

[Mantaspook]

Hi SallyLaLaLa,

 

There are some details on THIS THREAD that tells you how to get a password.

[Annoni_mouse]

OK, so here is my revision

 

The Ballard of Bendann McGuire - Revised version.

 

I've tried to incorporate the changes suggested by Manta - and I've shamelessly used Rafferty! (I couldn't think of a better name - it certainly seemed to 'fit' the inn keeper well )

 

Enjoy!

[Mantaspook]

I'm going to concentrate mostly on the amendments.

 

1."The inn keeper, a shrew of a man called Rafferty, would shake his head ruefully, hiding the sly twinkle in his eye and say “Know him? Yes, but you’ll not see him round here. He lives in the mountains, tending his flock”. They would stay in the tavern downcast, but the inn’s good cheer and its plentiful whisky soon drowned their disappointment-whilst lining old Rafferty’s pockets..

 

This is not bad, I'm not keen on the word 'shrew' though, it doesn't seem to fit into the Irish rhythmic brogue, the good points are it conjures up the image of a thin man and the word shrew implies shrewd…but the bad points are that the word is more commonly used to describe a shrill woman whereas Rafferty is more of a charming rogue that has kissed the Blarney stone.

 

Suggested rewrite: "The Inn keeper was a weasel of a man called Rafferty, who knew everything and said naught unless it was to line his pockets, he had a finger in every pie hereabouts and spoke with a sly twinkle in his eye "Do I know him?... Aye." He'd say "But you'll not see him here, he lives in the mists of Donumaloon but he once had a drink in this very saloon." Then he'd offer them a drink and the whisky's good cheer would make their mood sunny, whilst Rafferty's till filled up with their money.

 

Note the alliteration (underlined) that maintains the rhythm, sorry if this sounds a little bit like 'The Cat in the Hat' I'm exaggerating the Irish brogue and it probably needs toning down a little to merge seamlessly with the rest of the story.

 

2.Even the widow O’Connor, who had scarcely been seen since her fight with the Whelan’s mule, came to see if McGuire would arrive.

 

Brilliant, I laughed out loud at this point, that’s a really good throw away line.

 

3.At this, a few of the braver members of the crowd, amongst them that blowhard Jimmy Doyle, could stifle their glee at the foolish mans preposterous claim no longer.

 

Jimmy Doyle gets a name check but nothing else, if you do introduce a character by name have them contribute something to the story, even if it's just the fact that they had a fight with a mule. I think Jimmy Doyle needs introducing earlier at Para 7 when the Englishman arrives, it would be neat to have the Englishman berate him to show that he is a bigger blowhard than Doyle and the reader would then share Doyle's glee when McGuire dismisses him.

 

4.“I shall pay you – a thousand pounds to challenge me, what say you?”

 

“£1000 is a lot of money, it’ll buy a lot of sheep” The giant said.

 

I think this would sound better if the Englishman offered a dozen gold sovereigns, this would tie up better with the last line when they are counting their gold and it would make the story timeless, it would also hint that this is an old tale that has been told through the generations and that it may have been embellished over the years.

 

In retrospect I think the first version + three or four good throw away lines + naming the inn keeper would be a winner, the second version has a few loose ends (see above) that need addressing to get back that Irish lilt that is so good in the original, the changes certainly added more local colour but slightly distracted the reader from the main story which in essence is between the three main characters of Rafferty, McGuire & the Englishman.

 

A very enjoyable story though - both versions. (Especially the mule )

[sauerkraut]

That's a great story, and brilliantly told. You can really tell you had fun with it.