Story: 'The Ballad of Brendann McGuire.'

[Annoni_mouse]

Thanks for the feedback, all gratefully received (as ever!)

 

I'm going to concentrate mostly on the amendments.

 

1."The inn keeper, a shrew of a man called Rafferty, would shake his head ruefully, hiding the sly twinkle in his eye and say “Know him? Yes, but you’ll not see him round here. He lives in the mountains, tending his flock”. They would stay in the tavern downcast, but the inn’s good cheer and its plentiful whisky soon drowned their disappointment-whilst lining old Rafferty’s pockets..

 

This is not bad, I'm not keen on the word 'shrew' though, it doesn't seem to fit into the Irish rhythmic brogue, the good points are it conjures up the image of a thin man and the word shrew implies shrewd…but the bad points are that the word is more commonly used to describe a shrill woman whereas Rafferty is more of a charming rogue that has kissed the Blarney stone.

 

Suggested rewrite: "The Inn keeper was a weasel of a man called Rafferty, who knew everything and said naught unless it was to line his pockets, he had a finger in every pie hereabouts and spoke with a sly twinkle in his eye "Do I know him?... Aye." He'd say "But you'll not see him here, he lives in the mists of Donumaloon but he once had a drink in this very saloon." Then he'd offer them a drink and the whisky's good cheer would make their mood sunny, whilst Rafferty's till filled up with their money.

 

Note the alliteration (underlined) that maintains the rhythm, sorry if this sounds a little bit like 'The Cat in the Hat' I'm exaggerating the Irish brogue and it probably needs toning down a little to merge seamlessly with the rest of the story.

 

 

'Weasel' was the first word which sprang to my mind, but truthfully I discarded it. Weasel to me, suggests that a person is cunning, calculating, deceitful even. I always imagined that the inn keeper and Brendann were clever(or perhaps canny would be more appropriate), but their trickery owed more to the arrogance of the visitors than to any malicious intent from the Irishmen.

 

2.Even the widow O’Connor, who had scarcely been seen since her fight with the Whelan’s mule, came to see if McGuire would arrive.

 

Brilliant, I laughed out loud at this point, that’s a really good throw away line.

 

Glad you liked it

 

3.At this, a few of the braver members of the crowd, amongst them that blowhard Jimmy Doyle, could stifle their glee at the foolish mans preposterous claim no longer.

 

Jimmy Doyle gets a name check but nothing else, if you do introduce a character by name have them contribute something to the story, even if it's just the fact that they had a fight with a mule. I think Jimmy Doyle needs introducing earlier at Para 7 when the Englishman arrives, it would be neat to have the Englishman berate him to show that he is a bigger blowhard than Doyle and the reader would then share Doyle's glee when McGuire dismisses him.

 

Duly noted. I had intended Jimmy to make an appearance at the end of the story, mocking Brendann after his 'defeat'. Honestly though the rewrite was done in a bit of a rush, and I probably could/should have spent longer on it...