Monsoon (Version 1 & 2)

[Falls]

Hi,

 

I'm told my August contibution didn't upload correctly. This was probably due to tech. problems at this end.

 

Here it is again - hopefully in readable form.

 

Monsoon.

 

Regards

[Mantaspook]

Hi Falls,

 

This story has the hallmarks of being a cracking adventure story, it should be lively and have the reader on the edge of their seat, I really like your measured, informative style but it didn't transfer too well to this type of story, the end result is it's a little stilted.

 

I would have liked to have seen more interaction between John and the Chinese workers; he seemed too dispassionate towards them. The dangerous situation should have brought them together for their mutual survival.

 

The ending was too abrupt, a better way to end it would have been if John's initial disgust at his shed had been replaced by affection after it saved his life or better still, his loneliness at the beginning was contrasted with the mutual affection between him and the people he rescued at the end.

 

Ironically, its raining heavily in Sheffield at the moment, I've been stuck indoors all day so I've had time to knock up a DETAILED CRITIQUE - if you have any problems downloading it let me know.

[sauerkraut]

Thank you for that story, Falls. It sounds like a terrifying experience. Am I right in thinking it might be based on something that happened to you? With the adventurous life you've had I wouldn't be surprised. I hope you're going to publish your memoirs one day - and I think your straightforward "let's not make a drama out of this" kind of style will give the work your own particular stamp

 

I've uploaded a few of my thoughts on the direct speech in the story which I hope might help but if not just ignore me

 

http://sheffieldwriters.ath.cx/SFStoryArchive/1220647900.doc

[Falls]

Thank you for that story, Falls. It sounds like a terrifying experience. Am I right in thinking it might be based on something that happened to you? With the adventurous life you've had I wouldn't be surprised. I hope you're going to publish your memoirs one day - and I think your straightforward "let's not make a drama out of this" kind of style will give the work your own particular stamp

 

I've uploaded a few of my thoughts on the direct speech in the story which I hope might help but if not just ignore me

 

http://sheffieldwriters.ath.cx/SFStoryArchive/1220647900.doc

 

The story is true but it didn't happen to me. I had been scheduled to go there - because I had worked in Nepal before - but at the last minute, the company sent me to northern Thailand instead. The infamous "Golden Triangle" began just up the road from where I was working.

 

On the face of it, mine was likely to be the more dangerous assignment; however, in the end it was a darned sight safer than "John's" (not his real name) experience. That year, Bagmanti river not only caused havoc in Nepal but In the Indian State of Bihar.

 

Since I first posted this story on the Forum at the end of August, the BBC have been showing scenes of terrible flooding in Bihar State and large loss of life. From the newscast it seems the major culprit this time isn't the Bagmati but another river, Having said that, I'm sure the Bagmati will have also caused a lot of damage.

 

Regards

[Malanimal]

The story is true but it didn't happen to me. I had been scheduled to go there - because I had worked in Nepal before - but at the last minute, the company sent me to northern Thailand instead.

 

Sounds like an incredibly fortunate decision for you!

 

I'm now going to offer criticism which you may take with a big pinch of sale

 

Agree with Manta's and Sauerkraut's comments regarding making the story flow a bit better. The first bit did read like a list of all the reasons the place was so grim. I wonder if you are remembering/imagining more and more about the scene as you write (apologies if not, but it is something I do). If so, I suggest sitting back after writing a bit, thinking about the full scene/situation in your mind, from the point of view of the narrator, going through the scene to tell the story. So our narrator is in bed listening to the rain, wanting to get to sleep but prevented by the hammering of the rain on the storage shed, thinking about the barely edible food that has completely ruined by the power cut, and then the flooded out site and damage that has prevented them getting to what passes for civilisation.

 

It would also help to have more context, like who would the narrator miss if he didn't make it back, what did the flood water sound like, were the clothes of the Chinese workers just wet, or torn and bloodied?

 

Still, I found much of the story good and it does have the makings of a gripping tale Cheers.

[Falls]

Mantaspook, Sauerkraut, Malanimal,

 

Thanks for your comments. I haven't ignored them but I'm struggling to find the time to fully digest them and make the necessary revisions to the story.

 

Right now, my wife and I are part way through a very protracted house move. As you can imagine, there is lots to do and its very difficult to work a computer with a drill in one hand and a paint brush in the other.

 

But I haven't forgotten.

 

Regards

[coyleys]

Hi Falls

Sorry it has taken me so long to read your contribution, it’s been a busy couple of months, anyway…

Great stuff Falls, I think with a bit more thought it has the making of a exciting story. As you say “The story is true but it didn't happen to me” but you can still spice it up a bit, whilst being careful not to wander into the realms of; let’s say Indiana Jones.

Take a line or two and add a bit of shock treatment and lamentation (coyleys found a new word ), something like…

 

The force of the water had jammed the door closed, he could hear the creaking and groaning as the rusty old hinges protested against the external pressure, the water inside was raising quickly, the hinges gave a last cry for help before admitting defeat, the door flew open and shot across the room. John clambered onto the bed and clung to the low ceiling joist. Below him now was a maelstrom of silt and debris, and John could feel the onset of a panic attack.

His mind reflected on his family, would he never again look into the smiling eyes of his daughter, hear her chuckling as she played with her new born brother, he wish he had told his wife more how much he loved her, but now it may be too late.

The water quickly rose and now covered half of the window and then the remnant of a fallen tree came through the door and took out the back window, the water and debris followed and the maelstrom started to calm and settled to a steady flow. John dropped from his hanging position, the water had settled to waist height. As he waded to the door he pushed aside what he thought was a floating sack of rice which rolled over to reveal a hideous bloated face, the body must have been floating for days for the buzzards had taken the eyes and so on and so on. I think you get my drift (excuse the pun)

 

Anyway, that was another great tale from the Falls archives, You can always guarantee a good read from Falls.

Good man

P.S.

I have no idea if a sack of rice floats.

[Falls]

Here is a revised version of the original story incorporating the suggested changes.

 

Monsoon revisited.

[Tallyman]

Hi Falls

 

Apologies for not commenting on the original version, but Mantaspook, Malanimal et al. had already provided excellent feedback. So, for what it's worth, I'd just like to make a couple of small observations about this revised version

 

I think you've taken previous comments on board and made huge improvements to the story - in its original form, it had the potential to be a cracking read, and now you've added much more suspense, a more satisfying ending, and you've made important connections, both with John and the Chinese workers, and between John's initial dismay at his 'shed' and his final gratitude for it having saved his and the others' lives.

 

I've only a couple of suggestions/comments to make:

 

Firstly, I draw your attention to Mantaspook's comment about speech marks in his detailed critique - John is, for the most part, thinking rather than speaking out loud. It's a useful convention to avoid using speech marks for people's thoughts, but to separate them from the rest of the text in another way, often by using italics. It's a good way of making sure the reader easily separates speech from thought.

 

And secondly, when John climbs off the bed and finds himself in 'about 30 centimetres of water', I paused for a moment to make sure I understood how deep 30 centimetres is. This isn't just me being an old fart who's clinging desperately to the Imperial system, it's also a stumbling block. I find it quicker and easier to communicate measurements using comparison - so instead of 30 centimetres, he could find himself 'ankle deep' in water, or 'shin deep', or 'knee deep'.

 

This shouldn't detract from the fact that you've told a very exciting and interesting story, and taken the trouble to revise and improve it. Very enjoyable read!

[Mantaspook]

Hi Falls,

 

I've read both stories again and compared the new revisions and I agree with Tallyman that the story has improved immeasurably, the human interaction is a lot better and the ending is now very good indeed, in fact the whole story seems to crackle along at a faster pace which is a testament to the work you've put into the revision. Good effort & well done.

 

I would have liked to have seen a little more dialogue, John's internal monologues were still a little passive, a bit of shouting during the action scenes would be appropriate in this case, even if the Chinese workers didn't understand the reader certainly would.

 

I like how John's stolid, imperturbable character develops a little as the story progresses, his initial boredom & despair his replaced by the excitement of the desperate situation and the responsibility he feels towards the workers.

 

Just an idea to rack the suspense up at the end of the story: why not have a huge tree come bearing down the river straight towards the shed? Something like this:

 

Finally there was only John and three other workers left, the helicopter returned and lowered a rope that had two large loops at the bottom, one of the workers put one of the loops under his arms and held the other one towards John.

 

John shook his head, "No! Not yet!" his words were drowned by the whine of the helicopters turbines, he gently paced his hand on the other workers shoulder and guided him to the spare loop. As soon as it was around him the helicopter lifted, John watched the underside of the men's feet as they shot upwards like human cannonballs.

 

As the helicopter lowered the men on to the high ground John moved up to the apex of the roof to make his own extraction easier, he stood up and raised his arms in the air, giving the Chinese workers who were huddled on the hill a thumbs-up, a few of them returned the gesture and he felt a surge of pride, the shed had saved him and his friends, who were now all waving madly, pointing at him. He smiled and waved back, then shouted "Ya-hoo!" - He felt a little self conscious for such an uncharacteristic outburst but consoled himself with the fact that no-one could hear him.

 

He slowly realised the workers weren’t pointing at him, they were pointing upstream, he turned around, straining his eyes to see where they were pointing. He froze.

 

A vast tree was bearing down on him, magnificent and unstoppable, he realised the shed was doomed and he felt a small pang of regret, amusing really, amongst all the rising fear, it seemed so incongruous.

 

He looked at the helicopter that was hurrying towards him, glanced at the noose below it, and then back to the tree.

 

"This is gonna be close…"

 

Aww..time for bed, over to you for the finish...