1st story by newbie archaeobard - The Clutch of Fate

[archaeobard]

Hi all,

 

Here is my first story upload for you to have a look at. I am working on something to do with the theme, but I thought I'd better post something so you aware of my writing style, or one of my styles in any case.

 

Please pick to pieces, constructive criticism always welcome.

 

http://sheffieldwriters.ath.cx/SFStoryArchive/1222971052.rtf

[shoeshine]

I've read the first few pages today ...... and other duties called me away from it temporarily.

 

I will post my comments during the coming week .... but .... from the pages I've already looked at and read ..... it is the sort of thing I adore reading.

[Tallyman]

Archaeobard,

 

You have submitted a very interesting and powerful debut story.

 

I really liked your attention to period detail - you set the story in the late nineteenth century (or so one gleans from the text), and the language and narrative place us very strongly in that period.

 

It came across as a classic ghost story, the kind that one would expect to be told on the BBC on Christmas eve in the old days.

 

I was particularly drawn by your style of language, and your attention to detail, where not only the conversation seemed true to a period, so was the narrative.

 

But because you paid so much attention to detail, the minor lapses become more obvious. The most notable of these is 'I tried on a smile that did not fit'. This phrase leapt out as anachronistic - it's a tricksy one used now, but not something that fits well with the 19th century narrative.

 

Finally, you've produced a tale which takes us back to the start, whether as a circular story or a spiral. Clearly this is a well tried device, but you have shown us a small snapshot of the cycle, in that we have no knowledge of Ellie's past other than that revealed by the apparition and, more interestingly, no reason for the existence of the child in her charge.

 

I supposed that's my way of saying that I feel underinformed!

 

None of which should detract from my initial opinion that you have written a very interesting, engaging and enjoyable story!

 

Nice one, please submit some more!

[archaeobard]

Cheers Tallyman. Yes, you are right about the phrase I used. I can see that now, reading it back in context. I suppose you feel underformed because I was confined to a word limit! I had to pick and choose what I was going to include. My original idea had to do with the children's homes across the road from the City Road Cemetery but I found I was going into too much detail without dialogue, which in a short, word limited story, was not a good thing. So I made it relatively abstract instead. It is one of those ideas that can be expanded and filled out with further details when I'm not constrained. I guess that's why I posted it, I wanted to see if people liked it and whether it was worth expanding.

[coyleys]

I do like this one archaeobard, in particular the way you mimic the Austen period, I once had a go at that period “The Letter” although mine didn’t turn out as good.

I think you should give it some thought and expand on this one.

Nice one

[archaeobard]

Cheers coyleys....although I hope my sentences are not as long as Austen's!!