Ron Blanco Posted October 9, 2008 Share Posted October 9, 2008 Hi Archae, I liked your story. I thought it was beautifully written. I also liked the fact that it was short, which meant that I could read it twice in less than 5 minutes, leaving me loads of time to get on with my work. Having said that, I think it could have been shorter still. If you'd ended at "He was a coward" then it would have all fitted neatly onto 1 page. By ending at that point I would also be left pondering the story, debating all sorts of stuff with myself, rather than being left deflated by the discovery it was a dream. cheers Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tallyman Posted October 9, 2008 Share Posted October 9, 2008 Archaeobard As a (very) short story, I think it was ok, but flawed. I liked the start but it was all over too quickly. Furthermore, and this was the worry for me, it was important for the story that Albert believed it wasn't his mother lying in the bed, but the reasons he gave for believing it wasn't her were very flimsy. He saw his father in such detail, but didn't extend the same degree of observation to his mother. Unless I've got the whole thing wrong I'm still reading your first story, so forgive me for not adding my twopennyworth yet! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ron Blanco Posted October 9, 2008 Share Posted October 9, 2008 Archaeobard Unless I've got the whole thing wrong Reading it again, seems like I got the whole thing wrong. Sorry Archae! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
archaeobard Posted October 9, 2008 Author Share Posted October 9, 2008 Thanks all for your feedback. I think I may take the idea of the story and make it into something bigger. To be honest, I don't like it that much and I wrote it too quickly. I didn't do the headwork on character relations (thanks Tallyman). Ron_Blanco, you are right, to end it as a dream is deflating and an easy out for which I have chastised myself. Coyleys - You didn't come across as condescending at all...guess I shouldn't be surprised that people have read my Xena stuff, my website is the top of a Google search on my handle. And a horrid interview second that is no longer true by any stretch of the imagination! The Xena and Gabrielle stuff, huh? Well, I am not so impressed with those myself now, I wrote them a long, long time ago. The Janice and Mel stuff I still like. Well, I guess I sometimes chuckle at the other stuff, but all I see when I re-read are errors and bad expression. Thanks all for reading and I will take the suggestions onboard and rewrite something that is less confusing and abrupt. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Recommended Posts
Archived
This topic is now archived and is closed to further replies.