Story: 'Old Tom.'

[coyleys]

I think this may fit the criteria of this month’s theme.

I thought I would revitalise and extend Old Tom; this will also give you an insight into the debonair charm of the suave, dashing, daring, charismatic young Coyley, as was. (No points for repetition)

Once again, all comments appreciated.

 

Old Tom.

 

If you are using word 97-2003 then....

 

Old Tom.

[archaeobard]

oooo, I am looking forward to reading this. Not got time right this very second, but will do later, promise.

[archaeobard]

Ok, I've gotten around to writing this up. Hope it helps.

 

• I enjoyed reading this story. I loved the honesty of it, the baseness in the humour. I was laughing and disgusted at the same time.

 

• I think it is a little confusing to write in both the 1st and 3rd person voice. There are a couple of instances of this, once in your first paragraph:

 

Coyley scanned the Tap-room. Before his eyes came to rest on the deeply furrowed face of Old Tom, I gave him a welcome nod, but received no acknowledgement from the old timer.

 

Later your dialogue is confused by 1st /3rd person narrative:

 

Coyley raised his hand to pause Tom.

“I’m sorry Tom, I’ve just lost it”

 

“Arr! Just lost it have you lad? I lost mine back in 1912; back of the cow sheds, her name was Susie Barton, she had a funny little birthmark on her left.....”

 

I gave a little moan and slithered off to the bar, my head swirling, I knew I was safe for a good half an hour, while old Tom continued his well worn digressive repertoire.

 

It might be an idea to change completely to 1st person to assist the flow of your story.

 

• I love your initial description of Jess; I was really able to form a clear image of her in my head. Also your description of the water rat and the tit and the innuendo of the little gift for Jess, ready rubbed half shag! You did disgust me with the chip and cold incident and I was left wondering how this could possibly leave someone excited. The word desperation comes to mind! I also loved the expression of Jess gently stroking your chin with her knuckles. You have an excellent descriptive expression.

 

• There are a couple of general things you need to work on, mainly punctuation during dialogue. For instance, your punctuation here is incorrect:

 

“Oh! Cheers young Coyley” said Tom with a toothless beam “and what’s that rubbish you’re suppin? You want to get yourself some man’s beer lad, instead of that bloody pop stuff”

 

Rather it should be:

 

“Oh! Cheers young Coyley,” said Tom with a toothless beam,“and what’s that rubbish you’re suppin? You want to get yourself some man’s beer lad, instead of that bloody pop stuff.”

 

There have been discussions on other threads about comma use in dialogue. Have a look at post #11 by Tallyman on the following thread for a better description of comma use:

 

http://www.sheffieldforum.co.uk/showthread.php?t=388063

 

 

Always use a full stop at the conclusion of a sentence.

 

• You make use of ellipses, I can see why you are using these devices to trail off at the end of sentences into a silent pause. To clarify, when using an ellipsis, you only need three dots, like this … not five or six. It is like a separate character in itself, like a comma or a dash. Also personally if I was using ellipsis within a question, I would put it first rather than last. You write:

 

What was his name, now?......”

 

This might be better off as:

 

What was his name now…?”

 

Although it is something I would rarely, if ever do as it messes up the sentence structure. Perhaps to indicate a pause or trailing to silence at the end of a question you could add a little descriptor:

 

What was is name now?” he asked with a frown.

 

 

• Certain word choices you use seem out of character. You are talking about two down to earth blokes drinking at The Wybourn on Cricket Inn Road…I am not sure whether words like habitué or metacarples would be freely bandied about. So maybe a rethink on those.

 

Overall I really enjoyed this story and am looking forward to reading more adventures. You could make a series out of them. Strangely enough and slightly disconcerting, I was sitting in the Belle Vue writing up this critique. Small world.

[coyleys]

Thanks Diggy.

I’ll digest that bit of info and get back to you, as soon as poss.

Cheers