A Poem For National Poetry Day

[hearlon]

I know that this has been covered in the general forum but I just thought it was woth putting in the writer's bit as there didn't seem to be such a thread here. Anyway, here's my poem:

 

Amidst the screams, dreams and beauty creams, one human remembered National Poetry Day

 

No doubt many would see such activity as "gay"

But he thought it was worth commemorating National Poetry Day

 

For, without words with which to express

The things we believe in the best

What are we except beasts

Roaming about the streets?

Untouched by any spark of thought

And ignored by anything that is sought

By most of repellant humanity

Drenched in its fetid indiginty

And wound round tight

In insecurity.

[archaeobard]

• I like the assonance of the first line, however the ending of the first and third lines seems rather repetitive. You rhyme day with gay with day. You’ve already stated that one human has remembered National Poetry Day; I don’t think there is need to say the same thing again, it takes something away from the poem rather than reinforcing. If you are desperate for a rhyming triplet, perhaps try a different word to day…maybe:

 

Amidst the screams, dreams and beauty creams, one human remembered National Poetry Day

 

No doubt many would see such activity as "gay"

But he thought it best to have his say

 

Or something similar. Just my opinion though.

 

• I think you may need a comma here:

 

What are we except beasts,

Roaming about the streets?

 

It creates a better pause and gives more gravity to what you are saying.

 

• I must admit, this bit did confuse me:

 

Untouched by any spark of thought

And ignored by anything that is sought

By most of repellant humanity

 

You need to fix your spelling error – repellent. I got from this that without poetry humans are thoughtless and are ignored by things that horrid humanity seeks. So what does humanity seek? Truth…belief…meaning…God? So perhaps without poetry humans are ignored by God? Although that doesn’t seem something that repellent humanity would seek…maybe it is material things, things we covet. If that is the case we cannot be ignored by inanimate objects. I confused myself. Maybe I am just simple.

 

• You need to fix your typo - indignity:

 

Drenched in its fetid indignity

 

 

• You need a apostrophe here as this is an abbreviation of around

 

And wound ‘round tight

 

The reader still has the impression of being curled up in a ball with the apostrophe in place.

 

Overall I get the feeling that you are not very happy with us all as a species <g>. You make a good point, humanity is better with poetry and ways of expressing ourselves. If we didn’t have words to use like this, we would be more repellent than we are, and we are not too great anyway.

 

Personally I am not a fan of rhyming couplets. To my ear they sound simple and if I use them I sometimes feel I am forced to use a word I don’t really want to use because there is nothing else that will rhyme! So my poem ends up being slightly off track and confusing.

 

I like the sentiment of this poem. It is true, without a means of expressing ourselves we are very insecure.

 

I look forward to reading more of your work!

[hearlon]

Thanks for the response, very interesting.

 

I must confess a weakness for rhyming couplets, I see it more as a challenge but maybe it comes across a bit weak.

 

Apologies for the typos and grammatical mistakes but I had been in the pub for quite a while when I wrote it!

 

You are quite correct about the spark of thought stanza, it is inconsistent. I refer you to my previously stated inebriation! I shall try again.

[archaeobard]

No worries. Ah, drunken poetry writing. I used to go to the pub and sit in a corner and write. By the end of the night I couldn't read what I had written!! So the next day I would have to redo half of what I'd done.

 

There is nothing wrong with rhyming couplets, Alexander Pope seemed to like them, it was only my personal opinion and can be thrown away at will!!

 

I look forward to the revised version.

[coyleys]

Hearlon if you have a weakness for rhyming couplets, then have a go at this...

 

http://www.sheffieldforum.co.uk/showthread.php?t=294960

 

its not couplet but AAAB.

give it a go, you know you want to.

[jobee]

Blind Faith Psychosis.

 

What is it then that makes them pray,

that makes them creep and crawl all day,

that makes them read some silly script,

their pride and confidence slyly stripped ?

 

What is it then that transfers their minds,

to heavens and angels and spiritual kinds,

to attend Cathedrals in little groups,

then dress in robes as exemplar troops ?

 

What is it then that makes them build,

on fertile land where food was tilled,

huge Mosques, and Cathedrals too,

just to sing and confess anew?

 

Does it help in anyway,

to wile away the hours of day,

dressed in best and on their knees,

praying to anything and making pleas?

 

Is it selfishness that makes them think,

we all need them to cower and shrink,

on our behalf at their request,

so that our souls be sublimely blessed?

 

The whiff of selfishness stirs the air,

I think it’s just themselves they care,

the work is easy and less to think,

from competition they wilt and shrink.

 

This God they advocate with fuss,

when ask for proof they won’t discuss,

O proof, O proof; what for you need ?

the devils home you’ll go with speed.

 

My lucid mind begins to stir,

I’m in the hands of a blackmailer,

I only ask; for what your sales?

they came back as hard as nails.

 

So business then shall prevail,

In Woolworth’s by an honest sale,

the Church an inquisition me thinks,

proof of God surely brinks.

jobee

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[savesamuel]

hiya new here hows everybody very keen poet I am

[savesamuel]

i can see we have plenty of poets here

[savesamuel]

guys seriously where is the best palce to go for poetry in sheffield?

[leemorrison]

good to see info on poetry xx