Halibut Posted October 18, 2008 Share Posted October 18, 2008 Yes Halibut, rewrite psychosis I would like to see the result. I don't think it's salvageable - sorry! No offence intended Jobee, but I think your work is clunky, formulaic and predictable. Your reliance on rhyme leads you into some pretty shocking corners - like the one I quoted earlier. Moaned/groaned - not good...... Stephen Fry has written an excellent book called 'The ode less travelled' about how to write poetry. I think you'd do well to lay hands on a copy and see what you can do with a bit of guidance. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jobee Posted October 19, 2008 Author Share Posted October 19, 2008 I don't think it's salvageable - sorry! No offence intended Jobee, but I think your work is clunky, formulaic and predictable. Your reliance on rhyme leads you into some pretty shocking corners - like the one I quoted earlier. Moaned/groaned - not good...... Stephen Fry has written an excellent book called 'The ode less travelled' about how to write poetry. I think you'd do well to lay hands on a copy and see what you can do with a bit of guidance. What is wrong with moaned/groaned. I dont want to read anyone's poetry. I would like to see one of yours, just to prove your not a yak yak yak man. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jobee Posted October 19, 2008 Author Share Posted October 19, 2008 I don't think it's salvageable - sorry! No offence intended Jobee, but I think your work is clunky, formulaic and predictable. Your reliance on rhyme leads you into some pretty shocking corners - like the one I quoted earlier. Moaned/groaned - not good...... Stephen Fry has written an excellent book called 'The ode less travelled' about how to write poetry. I think you'd do well to lay hands on a copy and see what you can do with a bit of guidance. I don't think it's salvageable - sorry! O come on, all that reading you,ve done, are you saying it's all a waste of time-perform maestro, lead by example. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Halibut Posted October 19, 2008 Share Posted October 19, 2008 I would like to see one of yours, just to prove your not a yak yak yak man. I haven't any to show you, but why would you think my opinion invalid without showing you my own work? Here - have a look at this piece Bayonet Charge by Ted Hughes Suddenly he awoke and was running - raw In raw seamed hot khaki, his sweat heavy, Stumbling across a field of clods towards a green hedge That dazzled with rifle fire, hearing Bullets smacking the belly out of the air - He lugged a rifle numb as a smashed arm; // Threw up a yellow hare that rolled like a flame And crawled in a threshing circle, it's mouth wide Open silent, it's eyes standing out. // GL Note: Full quotation of poem edited for copyright reasons. What Hughes does really well here is create memorable and effective images - 'bullets smacking the bellly out of the air' and the hare that 'rollled like a flame'. Notice the absence of rhyme? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Halibut Posted October 19, 2008 Share Posted October 19, 2008 I don't think it's salvageable - sorry! O come on, all that reading you,ve done, are you saying it's all a waste of time-perform maestro, lead by example. I'm not claiming to be a good poet! You offered up your work for appraisal and I've given you my honest opinion. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jobee Posted October 19, 2008 Author Share Posted October 19, 2008 I'm not claiming to be a good poet! You offered up your work for appraisal and I've given you my honest opinion. OK, no one is perfect, I dont read poetry at all. Hughes looks in good form. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Halibut Posted October 19, 2008 Share Posted October 19, 2008 OK, no one is perfect, I dont read poetry at all. Jobee, you're missing out on some brilliant stuff. I gather from your subject matter that you're ex-forces, right? There are some stunningly good poems out there that you could read. If you want to keep on writing it'd be great for you to read other poets - you'll get loads of ideas about the possibilities, the various forms and so on. Don't let my criticism put you off - let it be a spur to finding out how much better you can be. Here's another of my favourite war poems - Wilfred Owens' Anthem for Doomed Youth. Hughes looks in good form. Doesn't he just! My favourite poet. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jobee Posted October 26, 2008 Author Share Posted October 26, 2008 Why? It's another example of spectacularly poor poetry and I make no apology for saying so. Are you suggesting that it has some merit? If so, what? Jobee after Hughes- Psychosis. ------- Buildings strong, high, power, safe. Confidence lapsed, hopes veneer. Cryptic book, unclear, huddled mass. Sheep together, strength, robes awe. Praying to what?, why?, fear. Minds drift, celestial immortality. continued== . Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
pattricia Posted October 26, 2008 Share Posted October 26, 2008 Looks excellent to me. Better than I could do ! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jobee Posted October 26, 2008 Author Share Posted October 26, 2008 Looks excellent to me. Better than I could do ! Cheers-you made my day.j Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Recommended Posts
Archived
This topic is now archived and is closed to further replies.