jobee Posted October 23, 2008 Share Posted October 23, 2008 -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- DAWN At first, a misty stirring light, Dewdrops glisten, still and bright, The sun begins its dewy climb, As it’s done from dawn of time. Something stirs in the bush. Quickly silenced, not to rush. A misty meadow appears in view, Bidding the silent night adieu. Cowslips raise their sleepy heads, Mottled sunlight slowly spreads, Just a touch of gentle rain, As birds begin their ancient refrain. A young foal begins to rise, Falling against its mothers side, The air warms and starts its rise, Mist disappears in a swirling glide. The patter of rain begins to stall, Just drips and drops from branches fall, By the sides of a swirling brook, Gnats and dragonflies feed and suck. A gentle steam leaves horses sides, As filtered sun their body chides, Frolicking lambs skip and play, Welcoming the heat of day. The cool of morning says goodbye, As skylarks ascend to hover on high, We bid goodbye to another morn, And wait the morrows refreshing dawn. John B Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
bassplayer Posted November 3, 2008 Share Posted November 3, 2008 -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- DAWN At first, a misty stirring light, Dewdrops glisten, still and bright, The sun begins its dewy climb, As it’s done from dawn of time. Something stirs in the bush. Quickly silenced, not to rush. A misty meadow appears in view, Bidding the silent night adieu. Cowslips raise their sleepy heads, Mottled sunlight slowly spreads, Just a touch of gentle rain, As birds begin their ancient refrain. A young foal begins to rise, Falling against its mothers side, The air warms and starts its rise, Mist disappears in a swirling glide. The patter of rain begins to stall, Just drips and drops from branches fall, By the sides of a swirling brook, Gnats and dragonflies feed and suck. A gentle steam leaves horses sides, As filtered sun their body chides, Frolicking lambs skip and play, Welcoming the heat of day. The cool of morning says goodbye, As skylarks ascend to hover on high, We bid goodbye to another morn, And wait the morrows refreshing dawn. John B I am swiftly becoming a fan of your work, ..here hardly mentioning the dawn itself as such but creating a myriad of images that occur when the dawn breaks...I like that....... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Halibut Posted November 3, 2008 Share Posted November 3, 2008 Not sure about the sun 'chiding' the horses sides. Chide means to scold or rebuke - I'd imagine the horse would feel welcomed and warmed by the sun rather than chided. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jobee Posted November 3, 2008 Author Share Posted November 3, 2008 I am swiftly becoming a fan of your work, ..here hardly mentioning the dawn itself as such but creating a myriad of images that occur when the dawn breaks...I like that....... Thank you bassplayer, john Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jobee Posted November 3, 2008 Author Share Posted November 3, 2008 Not sure about the sun 'chiding' the horses sides. Chide means to scold or rebuke - I'd imagine the horse would feel welcomed and warmed by the sun rather than chided. Any better Halibut? A gentle steam leaves horses sides, As filtered sun their body bides, Frolicking lambs skip and play, Welcoming the heat of day. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Halibut Posted November 3, 2008 Share Posted November 3, 2008 Better, although still not feeling that its quite right. I think you've set yourself a very steep task in trying to fit the second line to end in a rhyme with 'sides'. If I was wanting to avoid the rhyme problem there I might write something like this - A gentle steam leaves horses sides In filtered, dappled sun Lambs begin to skip and play Their young life's day's begun Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jobee Posted November 3, 2008 Author Share Posted November 3, 2008 Better, although still not feeling that its quite right. I think you've set yourself a very steep task in trying to fit the second line to end in a rhyme with 'sides'. If I was wanting to avoid the rhyme problem there I might write something like this - A gentle steam leaves horses sides In filtered, dappled sun Lambs begin to skip and play Their young life's day's begun Good, now lets see more of it. No im not mad about bides. Can you fit in anything and still keep the rhyming couplets.j Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jobee Posted November 3, 2008 Author Share Posted November 3, 2008 Good, now lets see more of it. No im not mad about bides. Can you fit in anything and still keep the rhyming couplets.j how about 'rides'any better han bides Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jobee Posted November 3, 2008 Author Share Posted November 3, 2008 Better, although still not feeling that its quite right. I think you've set yourself a very steep task in trying to fit the second line to end in a rhyme with 'sides'. If I was wanting to avoid the rhyme problem there I might write something like this - A gentle steam leaves horses sides In filtered, dappled sun Lambs begin to skip and play Their young life's day's begun A gentle steam leaves horses sides, As filtered sun their body rides, Frolicking lambs skip and play, Welcoming the heat of day. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jobee Posted November 3, 2008 Author Share Posted November 3, 2008 A gentle steam leaves horses sides In filtered, dappled sun Lambs begin to skip and play Their young life's day begun I would make day's 'day'.just a thought. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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