Past present and future story

[Saff]

I've written a short story on the theme. I think maybe it's a little too short but would like to hear what anyone thinks of it so far. thanks

 

http://sheffieldwriters.ath.cx/SFStoryArchive/1226015827.rtf

[Tallyman]

Saff

 

Congratulations for having a go at the theme with a nice little piece

 

You've enclosed the past in brackets of the present, starting in the 'now' before going back to the beginning, and then coming forward to 'now' again. As for the future, I think you'll agree that's more hinted at than visited, the outcome still a matter of speculation.

 

You've picked a very interesting subject, too, where a difficult choice has to be made, and the participants edge towards each other with tiny, almost imperceptible steps. The idea of so much latent and unexpressed passion being conveyed by such small and delicate intimacies is a nice touch, very powerful, but perhaps you could have spent a bit longer on it: the supercharged electricity of a simple touch of fingertips as a coffee mug is passed between them, the deepest of meanings in a simple smile.

 

Perhaps there is also more to be made of the seriousness of the decision Peter has to make. Someone in his line of work, as it were, is usually there out of a very strong vocational force, and he would have spent many, many years immersed in that way of life. It would certainly be a very much stronger force to pull him away from all that. I wonder what it is about her? Or perhaps something has changed in him - an event, a realisation of something perhaps, to put him on this course which leads to the choice he has to make?

 

Enough rambling, Tallyman, you're not making sense any more.

 

More wine, I think

[Saff]

Thanks so much for your comments. I agree some of it could be expanded. I just got these images that I wanted to get down and the other aspects you point out do need more work, but just weren't there yet in my head if you see what I mean. I wanted to see what people thought of the style so far sort of thing. I also thought it would end up as a novel rather than a short story so wanted to kind of allude to things more, but yes, more detail, if I can add some I will!

[sauerkraut]

I found that a poignant, gentle little story. It did give the impression of being unfinished – but I see that you’re still experimenting with taking it further. I was a bit thrown by the change to present tense for just 2 sentences in the second para (“she remembers”) – perhaps that needs a bit of reworking? I love the choice of name, Ella, for the main character. It really seems to suit her, somehow .

[coyleys]

A most enjoyable read, I found your descriptive skill admirable and had me yearning for more, I was going to suggest you expand on Ella’s emotions, in a coy, bashful way, but on reflection, no, in this case you left enough room for the reader to add their own thoughts and feeling to the narrative.

Great stuff Saff

[Saff]

Thanks!! It was the descriptions that I wanted to do well, but worried they might have been a bit contrived or corny. Still haven't been able to think of how to expand it without writing a whole book!

I have also been thinking about how to write the future part. How would this be done? I can only think of a Christmas Carol type thing with a ghost from the future. All writing is past or present tense really isn't it?

[Tallyman]

Perhaps it's a matter of writing a piece with the two of them looking back on that turning moment; how their lives turned out afterwards. Are they sitting in deck chairs on a verandah, watching the grandchildren running around? Or are they living in a one-room apartment, shunned by the friends they once had, arguing just to pass the time of day?

[soft ayperth]

I liked this story. Since you mention that it was the descriptions that you wanted to do well, I can say that it was precisely those which caught my attention. The description of the flower arrangements and how Ella was attending to them was very well done. I am particularly attentive to descriptions such as you have done, using long sentences effectively, because this is an aspect of creative writing that I find difficult. My training as a scientist handicaps me. One small point: you use the word "compliment" twice. In the first instance, do you not wish to say "complement" (i.e. augment, add on to)? In the second instance "compliment" (to praise) is correct.

[Saff]

I liked this story. Since you mention that it was the descriptions that you wanted to do well, I can say that it was precisely those which caught my attention. The description of the flower arrangements and how Ella was attending to them was very well done. I am particularly attentive to descriptions such as you have done, using long sentences effectively, because this is an aspect of creative writing that I find difficult. My training as a scientist handicaps me.

Thanks! Still haven't really had the inclination to develop it though.

 

One small point: you use the word "compliment" twice. In the first instance, do you not wish to say "complement" (i.e. augment, add on to)? In the second instance "compliment" (to praise) is correct.

 

Whoops:blush:can't believe I did that!

[Ron Blanco]

(Saff) "Thanks! Still haven't really had the inclination to develop it though."

 

I think you should. I think it is lovely.

 

I would prefer more balance between Past-Present-Future. Maybe having Past and Future of roughly equal length, separated like this : Present - Past - Present - Future - Present.

 

I also wondered whether the rhythm could be improved? I had a think and decided I would like it to start like this...

 

------------------------------------------------

 

"The blood of Christ keep you in eternal life"

 

Ella looked down at her cupped hands as she listened to Peter's quiet voice slowly coming closer,

 

"The blood of Christ keep you in eternal life"

 

He moved along the line holding the chalice up to the lips of each member of the congregation in turn.

 

"The blood of Christ keep you in eternal life"

 

Ella’s breath quickened each time he spoke, her anticipation building with each step ...

 

------------------------------------------------------

 

I liked your repetition of the priests blessing and I would not be afraid to use that even more during the "present" sections as I think it helps to build up the atmosphere of the piece.

 

Just my thoughts, but I should add that I also really liked it just as it is,

 

Thanks