jobee Posted November 10, 2008 Share Posted November 10, 2008 Merry Christmas all. Did you notice baby's face, Trying hard at table grace, Spitting out and wondering why, Nothing goes in mouth or eye. Did you notice startled eyes, When poppers pop and trailers fly, Then Christmas lights blink and flash, And new found toys whirl and crash. Did you notice Grandma's care, Trying to catch baby’s stare, Making faces and sucking lips, Twiddling fingers and making quips. Then tapping Grandpa on the knee, "Watch that drink! I’m telling thee, Just one more and that’s enough, I’ve seen you on that malted stuff." And then more kids come hustling in, What a ruckus, what a din, Don't stand up you'll lose your seat, Your ageing limbs cannot compete. Youths and girlfriends then appear, Showing off their flashy gear, Drinks all round and giggles to, Last nights sipping starts anew. The smell of cooking fills the air, Tables laid with special care, Paper hats and tinsel to, Take your turn and join the queue. Eating done and tables cleared, Then some faces disappeared, Pulling crackers, what’s in this? Give a tug and make your wish. That's my toy don't you dare! A little friction in the air, Children squabble then settle down. Taking note of fathers frown. Just a glance of Christmas day, Cheers to all I hope and pray. The new year brings to everyone. The well sung words of Lennon’s song. Give peace a chance. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tallyman Posted November 10, 2008 Share Posted November 10, 2008 Jobee Of all the poems you've posted here, I think this is your most delightful It's a lovely series of snapshots, with some real characters, well painted and evocative of an earlier time. I found myself smiling at several of the images you conveyed. Nice one And now, if it's any help, for a small bit of feedback. Only my opinion, mind, for you to take or leave. This verse: ... Did you notice Grandma's care, Trying to catch baby’s stare, Making faces and sucking lips, Twiddling fingers and making quips. ... It's a lovely picture of Grandma fussing and doting on her grandchild, but I wonder if it would be better if you removed the two ands. It's a list of the things she's doing, and would also give a rhythm, like a train on the tracks: Did you notice Grandma's care, Trying to catch baby’s stare, Making faces, sucking lips, Twiddling fingers, making quips. There might be a few more places where you could consider the possibility of removing ands when they're not essential. Just a thought, but I liked the poem very much. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jobee Posted November 10, 2008 Author Share Posted November 10, 2008 Jobee Of all the poems you've posted here, I think this is your most delightful It's a lovely series of snapshots, with some real characters, well painted and evocative of an earlier time. I found myself smiling at several of the images you conveyed. Nice one And now, if it's any help, for a small bit of feedback. Only my opinion, mind, for you to take or leave. This verse: It's a lovely picture of Grandma fussing and doting on her grandchild, but I wonder if it would be better if you removed the two ands. It's a list of the things she's doing, and would also give a rhythm, like a train on the tracks: Did you notice Grandma's care, Trying to catch baby’s stare, Making faces, sucking lips, Twiddling fingers, making quips. There might be a few more places where you could consider the possibility of removing ands when they're not essential. Just a thought, but I liked the poem very much. Thank you Tallyman, you are right ofcourse, i will rewrite and remove words. Keep the constuctive critiscism coming.regards John. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jobee Posted November 10, 2008 Author Share Posted November 10, 2008 Did you notice baby's face, Trying hard at table grace, Spitting out, wondering why, Nothing goes in mouth or eye. Did you notice startled eyes, When poppers pop, trailers fly, Christmas lights blink, flash, New found toys whirl, crash. Did you notice Grandma's care, Trying to catch baby’s stare, Making faces, sucking lips, Twiddling fingers, making quips. Tapping Grandpa on the knee, "Watch that drink! I’m telling thee, Just one more, that’s enough, I’ve seen you on that malted stuff." Then more kids come hustling in, What a ruckus, what a din, Don't stand up you'll lose your seat, Your ageing limbs cannot compete. Youths and girlfriends then appear, Showing off their flashy gear, Drinks all round, giggles to, Last nights sipping starts anew. The smell of cooking fills the air, Tables laid with special care, Paper hats, tinsel to, Take your turn, join the queue. Eating done, tables cleared, Then some faces disappeared, Pulling crackers, what’s in this? Give a tug, make your wish. That's my toy, don't you dare! A little friction in the air, Children squabble then settle down. Taking note of fathers frown. Just a glance of Christmas day, Cheers to all I hope and pray. The new year brings to everyone. The well sung words of Lennon’s song. Give peace a chance. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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