Falls Posted November 23, 2008 Share Posted November 23, 2008 The Shining Path - Part1 HI, Here is something I have been tinkering with for a while. It's a work of fiction with a few facts thrown in. I'm sure you can work out which is which. Its also 12 pages, so if you're not in the mood for something that long, feel free to pass on to something else. You'll notice its only Part I. There is no Part 2 at the moment. You decide if its worth completing. Regards http://sheffieldwriters.ath.cx/SFStoryArchive/1227464401.doc Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
coyleys Posted November 28, 2008 Share Posted November 28, 2008 Hi ya Falls I have already given you my comments on “The Shining Path- part 1” Yet another best seller, is part 2 going to be our Christmas present? Nice one Falls Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Falls Posted November 29, 2008 Author Share Posted November 29, 2008 Hi ya Falls I have already given you my comments on “The Shining Path- part 1” Yet another best seller, is part 2 going to be our Christmas present? Nice one Falls Hi Coleys, Thanks for you conments. I've started writing Part II but can't make a promise for Christmas. I have two problems: Writing the story in time and finding an WIFI connection in Sheffield to upload once I arrive. Right now, I'm writing this in Herne Bay, Kent using someone else's connection. Regards Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
sauerkraut Posted December 2, 2008 Share Posted December 2, 2008 Yes you certainly can't leave it there, Falls. We need Part 2 Didn't realise you were in the UK at the moment. I'll be in Kent in a couple of weeks as well Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mantaspook Posted December 4, 2008 Share Posted December 4, 2008 Hi Falls, A nice flowing narrative as usual, I've read it a few times and listed my observations in the following checklist. 1. I think the first two paragraphs could be deleted, just get straight in with "It all began one Saturday morning…" 2. The phone call from the 4 managers. - Why 4? It may have been better to use just one guy. 3. The verbal exchanges seemed a little unrealistic, the engineer's long explanations contrasted with the manager's short interjections. 4. The dialogue, whilst very informative, does resemble a history lesson / information dump, I think it would have been more balanced if the manager had chipped it with what he did know about the region and the engineer could appraise him of the true picture, building on what the manager said. 5. The engineer seems like a very strong character, treating the managers with sarcastic disdain at their lack of knowledge, ("You must remember the Andes from school…") The reader wouldn't be surprised if he told them what to do with their apparently doomed venture, but it is a surprise when he slams down the phone in disgust and then meekly accepts that he must go there, the volte-face & his motivation needs explaining at this point. 6. The engineer is someone senior with a lot of responsibility; the reader may safely assume he is aged late 30s, early 40s? - wouldn't he be married at this point? - I think his marital status should have been mentioned before the romantic assignation with the widow, if he's young free and single, or a serial adulterer, say so. 7. The engineer explains to the managers in great detail how difficult it is to get a pass for the militarized zone then obtains one with hardly any trouble, this seems unrealistic, perhaps it should be emphasised he was lying to the managers. 8. The engineers disguise - 'unaccompanied army Captain'- doesn't seem right - I can see the logic but why not go the whole hog and get the government to send an armed guard to accompany him? - or if he has to be alone explain why they couldn't supply a guard. 9. Minor niggle - use brackets and exclamation marks sparingly. "and it wasn’t just one manager calling but four!!" "As long as the ‘Billings’ (fees for your services) kept rolling in from the clients," "As long as the fees for my services kept rolling in…" is more concise. I hope you find the above list useful. It's certainly a very informative & interesting story, there are several storylines that are begging to be completed and I'm already wondering if the engineer will be 'an innocent abroad' or a resourceful character who could give 007 a run for his money so I'm looking forward to part two. Enjoy your time in the UK first and don't forget what I told you about Coyleys and the good whisky. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Falls Posted December 23, 2008 Author Share Posted December 23, 2008 Hi Falls, A nice flowing narrative as usual, I've read it a few times and listed my observations in the following checklist. It's certainly a very informative & interesting story, there are several storylines that are begging to be completed and I'm already wondering if the engineer will be 'an innocent abroad' or a resourceful character who could give 007 a run for his money so I'm looking forward to part two. Enjoy your time in the UK first and don't forget what I told you about Coyleys and the good whisky. Hi Mantaspook, Thanks for your comments. I'm still working on Part 2 and will incorporate your comments where applicable. However I don't think I will have anything that is presentable until the end of the year. Regards Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ron Blanco Posted February 14, 2009 Share Posted February 14, 2009 Hello Falls, I thought I should read this before turning to Part 2. An enjoyable and effective build up. I'm now very keen to find out what happens next. cheers Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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