Unsure but willing to dive in

[Farvardin]

Hi All,

 

New and confused, so be gentle, well as gentle as you'll allow yourself to be

 

My attempt at writing. If you need to could you gently pick it apart rather than tear it... lol

 

 

 

A fallen castle in the sand

Lay waste among the rolling waves,

Beneath the screams of starving gulls

Who pick at shells like open graves,

While shadowed thunder rumbles by

And hues of grey fill darkened sky,

The body of a lover lay,

Staring out across the bay.

A scene played out with sightless eyes

A fractured soul within it lies,

Death sits tight in brackish swell

On whispered wind a sad farewell.

Behind dark holes a world of grey

In moulded mask of pitted clay,

A fragment of emotion falls

To drown where sea of judgement calls.

The faintest breath exhales and dies

Beneath those black and deadened eyes

And screaming echoes fill the air

As nature strips the carcass bare

[Mantaspook]

Not bad at all, there is some excellent use of imagery at the beginning of the poem; the first three lines set the scene very effectively

 

A fallen castle in the sand

Lay waste among the rolling waves,

Beneath the screams of starving gulls

 

Also the rhyming couplets work well as they move the story along without reaching too much for the next elusive rhyme.

 

1.The "power" of this poem could be measured by the strength of the imagery, ideally it should describe the stark scene in such a vivid way that the reader is left in no doubt that they have just walked along that beach, and they experience the atmosphere (sadness / melancholy / horror) of discovering the body.

 

With this in mind I think the weakest lines are these:

 

Death sits tight in brackish swell

On whispered wind a sad farewell.

 

and

 

A fragment of emotion falls

To drown where sea of judgement calls.

 

Because they drag the reader away from the scene and it all becomes more abstract, weakening the imagery a little.

 

 

2. The body of a lover lay, - why a lover? A small loose end that raises a distracting question - did someone kill them in a jealous rage?

 

Why not a diver? - Same number of syllables and more plausible, given the setting, or you could be more subtle

 

Example.

The faceplate smashed and sightless eyes

Gaze towards the darkening sky

 

One last random thought, It would have been really good if you could have worked in the destruction of the sandcastle by the sea near the end of the poem, because (1) this would be a 'good echo' with the first line of the poem and (2) the reader would identify with the powerful simile at the end (Destruction of the sandcastle by the sea/ destruction of the body by the gulls.)

 

As usual it's difficult to suggest alterations to a small poem without radically altering its nature, hopefully the above notes may spark a few ideas to improve the poem, basically you've got to look at ways of strengthening the imagery and avoiding abstractions, then the poem will be even more polished than it already is.

[Farvardin]

Not bad at all, there is some excellent use of imagery at the beginning of the poem; the first three lines set the scene very effectively

 

A fallen castle in the sand

Lay waste among the rolling waves,

Beneath the screams of starving gulls

 

Also the rhyming couplets work well as they move the story along without reaching too much for the next elusive rhyme.

 

1.The "power" of this poem could be measured by the strength of the imagery, ideally it should describe the stark scene in such a vivid way that the reader is left in no doubt that they have just walked along that beach, and they experience the atmosphere (sadness / melancholy / horror) of discovering the body.

 

With this in mind I think the weakest lines are these:

 

Death sits tight in brackish swell

On whispered wind a sad farewell.

 

and

 

A fragment of emotion falls

To drown where sea of judgement calls.

 

Because they drag the reader away from the scene and it all becomes more abstract, weakening the imagery a little.

 

 

2. The body of a lover lay, - why a lover? A small loose end that raises a distracting question - did someone kill them in a jealous rage?

 

Why not a diver? - Same number of syllables and more plausible, given the setting, or you could be more subtle

 

Example.

The faceplate smashed and sightless eyes

Gaze towards the darkening sky

 

One last random thought, It would have been really good if you could have worked in the destruction of the sandcastle by the sea near the end of the poem, because (1) this would be a 'good echo' with the first line of the poem and (2) the reader would identify with the powerful simile at the end (Destruction of the sandcastle by the sea/ destruction of the body by the gulls.)

 

As usual it's difficult to suggest alterations to a small poem without radically altering its nature, hopefully the above notes may spark a few ideas to improve the poem, basically you've got to look at ways of strengthening the imagery and avoiding abstractions, then the poem will be even more polished than it already is.

 

Thank you for taking the time to read this and giving some good constructive criticism, much appreciated.... I suppose 'the lover' personalised the poem a little, but no, I did not kill anyone, (promise) just a death of emotion. Thanks again...

 

Far x

[nerd]

I like the poem, it reminded me of the poems we studied at school, all dark and full of imagery. I like the way it paints a picture in my mind - I can see a deserted beach shortly before dusk on an overcast day, the smell of the sea and the detritus laying washed up along the shore. I am not sure if that is how it appears to you, but I can just see those abandoned chip wrappers flapping in the breeze, hear the screaming gulls and the crash of the tide, smell that salty, fishy seaside smell...

 

I am new to all this, so sorry if my critiquing skills are somewhat lacking

[coyleys]

I’m not an authority on poetry Farvardin, but I do like this one and would love to read some more of your work.

Great stuff.

[Farvardin]

er sorry disappeared there for a while... but thanks for the comments, much appreciated

[Farvardin]

I like the poem, it reminded me of the poems we studied at school, all dark and full of imagery. I like the way it paints a picture in my mind - I can see a deserted beach shortly before dusk on an overcast day, the smell of the sea and the detritus laying washed up along the shore. I am not sure if that is how it appears to you, but I can just see those abandoned chip wrappers flapping in the breeze, hear the screaming gulls and the crash of the tide, smell that salty, fishy seaside smell...

 

I am new to all this, so sorry if my critiquing skills are somewhat lacking

 

If I can make you imagine all that, then I am travelling in the right direction Thanks

[Ron Blanco]

My attempt at writing. If you need to could you gently pick it apart rather than tear it... lol

 

Hi Farvadin,

 

I went to a poetry class last week to try and learn a thing or two about poetry. We had to write a poem of 4 lines of 4 stanzas with each line having 8 syllables (see my thread lower down).

 

I notice that you have mainly 8 syllables per line (until you get to "Staring out across the bay"). What's so special about 8 syllables per line anyway? That's what i'd like to know! Also, did you consciously consider which would be stressed syllables and which unstressed?

 

As a practioner of the art of poetry, I'd be grateful for any insight you have into these things,

 

Many thanks

 

Ron