nerd Posted January 24, 2009 Share Posted January 24, 2009 Hi all, Here is my 1000 word crime story for the January theme. Murder mystery It currently has the title "murder mystery", mainly because I didn't know what else to call it. Any suggestions please let me know. Please be brutally honest in your appraisal I would like to know what I am doing well and what I am doing not so well. Looking forward to your feedback:) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
olliefrancis Posted January 26, 2009 Share Posted January 26, 2009 Thought it was a great story. Loved the twist - genuinely didn't see it coming! Only a couple of suggestions. beady eyes - dark eyes? small eyes? or even just 'eyes'? It's a bit cliched otherwise. repetition of 'gruesome' check apostrophes check comma use between subordinate and main clauses Could the 'officers' be looking for how the old lady could have got hold of such a terrible piece of equipment, rather than a motive? Mice might be fairly clued up that humans don't particularly like them(!) Haven't made enough time to write up my own story so I feel a bit of a hypocrite for nit-picking. But I did really enjoy reading it. Thanks for sharing it, Nerd! Well done! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
coyleys Posted January 27, 2009 Share Posted January 27, 2009 Nice one Nerd Nice little story, I didn’t twig on till the end; they can be a nasty piece of work those “little old ladies”. My only negative comments are in agreement with Ollie; in respect of the apostrophe and comma, I too still have a bit of trouble with those. A good read, keep them coming Nerd. And thanks, for taking the time to comment Ollie. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tallyman Posted January 27, 2009 Share Posted January 27, 2009 Nerd Congratulations on a great debut story on the forum Coyleys and Olliefrancis have made apposite comments, and I've little to add to them. Although it was a surprise ending, there were some clues along the way which you might consider making a little more subtle if you were going to rewrite it. In a story with a twist, it's important to concentrate on making sure your reader isn't presented with something that doesn't conflict with the assumptions you're asking them to make. The best fun to be had is laying the clues that are so obvious when you re-read the story but are so subtle as to make the reader gloss over them the first time. They're not perfect but, as an example, can I direct you to a couple of pieces I wrote a while back, which might help to illustrate the point. These are the links to the threads in which they first appeared: http://www.sheffieldforum.co.uk/showthread.php?t=338729 http://www.sheffieldforum.co.uk/showthread.php?t=323976 Please feel free to pick them apart too! Welcome to the group Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
nerd Posted January 27, 2009 Author Share Posted January 27, 2009 Thanks for the feed back guys, it is much appreciated. I have never quite got my head around commas and semi colon and apostrophes and all that - I never got beyond GCSE level English. I will have a try at editing it and addressing the points you raised. Thanks so much though for reading and leaving comments:D Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
coyleys Posted January 27, 2009 Share Posted January 27, 2009 They're not perfect but, as an example, can I direct you to a couple of pieces I wrote a while back, which might help to illustrate the point. These are the links to the threads in which they first appeared: http://www.sheffieldforum.co.uk/showthread.php?t=338729 http://www.sheffieldforum.co.uk/showthread.php?t=323976 Please feel free to pick them apart too! Welcome to the group Tally, please remember there has been some changes made since those days, we no longer use Community Net for our storage, best thing is to upload them again. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tallyman Posted January 28, 2009 Share Posted January 28, 2009 Oh blimey, Coyleys, thank you for that! And me being a co-leader too. D'oh! Right, will correct the mistake, so all should be ok Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
coyleys Posted January 28, 2009 Share Posted January 28, 2009 I never got beyond GCSE level English. What's a GCSE level English?. The last exam I took was the 11+, and that was a fiasco. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
happygorilla Posted June 24, 2010 Share Posted June 24, 2010 why cant i open the link? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
happygorilla Posted June 24, 2010 Share Posted June 24, 2010 it asks for a username and password? what do i put in? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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