Underworld: Short Story for Kids

[Karis]

Here's a short story I've been working on for an illustrated kid's book. The book will be six short stories, poems, spells and songs all about magic, goblins and the fairy creatures that exist in the realm of Twilight.

 

I'd like some comments, especially what people think of it and whether they'd read it to their kids or think their kids would enjoy it.

 

It's got two goblin songs in it, that are hopefully funny!

 

This is only a second draft so plenty more edits and refinement to go, but I wanted to get some feedback from real people...

 

http://sheffieldwriters.ath.cx/SFStoryArchive/1233187127.doc

 

Feel free to criticize to your heart's content

[coyleys]

Hi Karis, Thanks for the story.

What age group are we looking at?

I thought the poems/songs were good, well written and the last verse got the point across, top marks there.

As for the story, it was written well but the narrative wants a bit of work, it was a bit dull, a bit obvious; don’t underestimate the mind of a child even at nursery school level. Give them something to think about, something to work out for themselves.

Keep at it Karis, let’s have some more.

[sauerkraut]

Yippee my computer’s let me read a story at last! I think I hurt its feelings when I talked about getting a laptop and it’s been huffy with me ever since. But that’s beside the point.

 

I enjoyed reading this, Karis. I shall try it on my 9-year-old son later if you like – but for him at least it couldn’t be a bedtime story as he’s inclined to nightmares! He’s survived the Narnia stories and Lord of the Rings though, and I did see certain parallels between your story and those. Not that that’s necessarily a problem – aren’t there meant to be only half a dozen plots or so in the world anyway (?), and kids like reading something that has a familiar ring.

 

I liked the idea of a slightly timid, rather clumsy girl overcoming her limitations to help out in dire need. Again I think it’s the kind of thing kids could identify with. And I thought the goblin songs were fun, especially the first one. In the second song I thought the first 2 verses were great but after that I wasn’t so sure. If the goblins like eating stinky cheese then why would they be put off by smelly feet? And if they like eating good children best (verse 4) then surely that’s an argument against behaving well (last verse)? Sorry if that’s being picky, but I can imagine my kids picking me up on that if I read it to them!

 

Like Coyleys I’d be interested to know what age you had in mind. I found the level about right for my 9-year-old to read himself (bearing in mind that English is his second language), though certain phrases jarred occasionally as sounding too adult somehow – e.g. “her face was bathed in eerie yellow light”. That might just be me, though. Also, trying to see it from a child’s point of view, I would have preferred to be plunged straight into the action and have the descriptions of the children filtered in as necessary during the course of the story. I think that could help make the opening paragraph more “attention-grabbing.”

 

When it comes to the high point of the story, the rescue, I wasn’t entirely convinced by the goblins simply going back to sleep after Diz drops the key. I think there’s room for a bit more tension there – wondering if Diz will be found, perhaps the keyholder spotting the key and thinking he’s dropped it in his sleep and picking it up so Diz has to start all over again… I dunno, just something to make it a teeny bit more dramatic. And I wonder if the closing stages of the story need a bit more drama as well. I can again imagine my children asking questions, especially: “why didn’t the goblins follow?” Or perhaps that’s something which will be explained in later stories…

 

I hope the above is helpful and not too critical. Feel free to ignore me completely, of course!

 

P.S. You mention "the realm of Twilight" in your post. Were you thinking of that for the overall title? Coz my older children would automatically associate that with the other Twilight stories. Just a thought .

[Karis]

HI there. It's all great advice.

 

I was aiming for 6 to 10 year olds, but I've got it with a bunch of kids at the moment to give me their feedback and I'll be better able to judge.

 

I had so many ideas for things that could happen, but you're so very restricted with 2000 ish words. I've only written a handful of short stories and my other novels just have me babbling on for pages.

 

It's quite frustrating. I'd like to write 5000 words!

 

I'll certainly take all your comments into consideration when I revise the story. Which I will be doing. That was draft 2, so plenty of room for improvement.

 

Thanks again

[Tallyman]

Karis

 

Sauerkraut has given you some excellent feedback, but there's one point I wanted to raise:

 

You're aiming at a 6 to 10 year-old readership, but you have two main characters aged 10 and 15. With some parental experience myself, I was wondering whether you'd consider having characters whose ages were similar to the readers?

[Karis]

Oh I considered it, but the artist who's illustrating the whole thing wanted the story to have characters of those ages.

 

To be honest, I'm fairly sure the actual age group for the book will be around 8 to 12 (although I'm still open to suggestions on exactly where to pitch it).

 

This isn't the first of the six stories so the first one has a much younger little girl in it!

[Mantaspook]

Hi Karis,

 

Detailed critique as promised, sorry it took so long.

 

The Opening

 

The first of Sam and Daisy Price’s many adventures occurred when they were on their summer holiday in Scotland. Sam had just turned fifteen and was rather skinny with short blond hair and bright blue eyes. Daisy, or Diz to her friends (on account of the fact that she was so terribly clumsy and forgetful) was ten years old and rather short for her age. She had long pig tails the colour of straw, and striking blue eyes just like her brother.

 

This opening leaves a lot to be desired, there is no real hook, I counted eleven pieces of information that were effectively dumped in the readers lap, it's quite a jigsaw to assemble and may put the younger audience off before you get started.

 

I'd suggest

 

(1) Delete 'the first of many adventures' tagline.

 

(2) Integrate the salient facts (ages / appearance etc.) into the story as you go along.

 

(3) Discard any element that isn't used later in the story, for instance Diz is described as 'forgetful' but she shows no sign of this.

 

(4) Rewrite the opening to grab the reader's attention. - ask yourself which element could be used as the opening hook.

 

The sign seems an obvious choice, how about:

 

Daisy & Sam ran through the garden at the back of the hotel, they burst through the bushes into the lush Scottish glen and ran, whooping with joy, towards the ramshackle hut at the base of the hill, their feet thump-thump-thumped over the fading old sign in the grass that said "DANGER! KEEP OUT!"

 

You could use (a) the well or (b) the cry for help as the hook too.

 

Falling down the well.

 

The sequence of what happens next seems wrong.

 

Hears cry > discover boy in well > well collapses, for no apparent reason > introductions.

 

The introductions should take place before the well collapses and it should be triggered by their rescue attempt, this is more plausible, and of course this would be the perfect time for Daisy to introduce herself as 'Diz' and for Sam to explain why, much to her annoyance - a universal truth is that brothers & sisters delight in annoying each other and this would be a counterpoint later on when she rescues her pesky brother - showing that she loves him really.

 

The well collapse just happens with no warning, it needs rewriting to show the cause (the rescue attempt) and the effect (Short sharp sentences that describe the fall and the terror they experience.)

 

The children plunged on to a large patch of enormous rubbery mushrooms that broke their fall. They lay for a while, stunned in the darkness and trying tried to catch their breath. It was very dark; the only light came from odd crystals in the walls that gave off a faint bluish light.

 

The elements of the mushrooms and the crystals are good, they provide a soft landing and light, I think it needs emphasising that the crystals are throughout the complex of caverns, they only get a mention in the landing zone.

 

The mobile phone - I'd consider deleting this element and find another way of making Diz run into the mushrooms. Modern technology 'date-stamps' the story, and, as the phone can't get a signal and its screen isn't needed as a torch, it’s effectively a dead prop.

 

The goblin songs - are really very good! A bit too long though, I would consider splitting them into smaller chunks and splicing scenes of the boys reactions (as the Goblins approach) and their despair when they learn the goblins intend to eat them.

 

The goblins need describing in more detail, possibly more terrifying, definitely NOT like the seven dwarfs.

 

The escape route - Diz should really struggle to reach the ledge and say to herself "If only I were tall like Sam…" then she has to screw up her courage and implement the rescue plan.

 

The main cavern - read the following:

 

Huge fire pits cast crimson light around the walls and belched great plumes of thick grey smoke toward the ceiling. She could barely believe her eyes: the goblins lay sprawled out on the cave floor. Were they resting?

 

How does the smoke escape? Why is the purpose of the fires? For cooking? Can you think of a more plausible explanation for the goblins sudden tiredness?

 

Suggest: consider introducing chimneys, if they are for cooking then a spit roast pig or a dead deer should be mentioned. Could the 'stifling heat' from the fires make the goblins relaxed and tired?

 

The scene where Diz steals the key from the head goblin needs reworking, it has to be taut and tense, and may work better if described from Sam's viewpoint, show his anguish as she drops the key and almost gets caught.

 

The pace of the original writing is too stop-start for this scene, the tension should be stretched to breaking point then - Bang! - Sam knocks something over (for a change) and the story accelerates straight into the chase scene.

 

Just as the goblins went flying past, screeching and howling and causing no end of fuss.

 

My daughter said "Can the goblins fly then?" when I read that to her, keep it literal for the youngsters, it's how they think.

 

The ending - a bit disappointing, the false ending "(they) went back to the well next day." Was a little flat and would they really have gone back? - would they have told the adults?

 

Also the implausible disappearance of the escape hole, attributed to 'magic', may stretch the credulity of your audience.

 

A suggested alternative: The kids scramble up the tunnel pursued by the goblins, Sam fights an heroic rearguard action, kicking the goblins so they fall backwards down the tunnel, buying them just enough time to get clear, Diz pulls him free from the ground, his legs flailing which triggers an landslide down the hole, blocking the entrance.

 

As they walk up the hill the find the 'Danger- keep out' sign, (Note the story arc back to the revised first paragraph) - they agree to tell no-one, reasoning they wouldn't be believed anyway and fearful that they will be in trouble for trespassing near the well. (and conveniently eliminating adult interference for the sequel. )

 

Sam bashes the sign upright into the ground, they all look at it and walk away up the hill to the hotel, unseen, a goblins hand emerges from the soil (copyright, Stephen King. 'Carrie') and pulls the sign over…what a cliffhanger! Quick! When's the next book coming out?

 

Trusting that you may find some of the above useful, I concur with Saurkraut's feedback too, some very good advice there.

 

Its a good story with a lot of potential. Don't forget to post your third draft when you've finished it.