Shining Path - Part 2

[Falls]

Shining Path - Part 2

 

Hello

 

After a long delay, here it is.

 

You will recall in November, I promised Part 2 by "The End of the Year".

 

You will also recall that I didn't say which Year.

 

Part 3 is coming soon -Honest!

 

 

http://sheffieldwriters.ath.cx/SFStoryArchive/1234138056.doc

 

Regards

[Ron Blanco]

Hello again Falls.

 

I now have Parts 1 and 2 under my belt. Both very enjoyable and easy to read.

 

I really enjoyed the dialogue in Part 1 as it gave me a good idea of the personality of the main character.

 

In Part 2 the slow build up continues nicely and the level of detail helps to create a feeling of authenticity. However, from a selfish point of view I would like there to have been some sort of major incident (other than him nearly missing a train!), so that each part could be read and enjoyed in isolation. Perhaps you could have slipped in a spicy romantic interlude, as requested by our leaders, then you could have killed two birds with one stone.

 

It strikes me as being more akin to excerpts from a novel rather than an extended short story, which is fine by me. I am enjoying it and will look forward to the next instalment.

 

Cheers

[Falls]

Hello again Falls.

 

I now have Parts 1 and 2 under my belt. Both very enjoyable and easy to read.

 

I really enjoyed the dialogue in Part 1 as it gave me a good idea of the personality of the main character.

 

In Part 2 the slow build up continues nicely and the level of detail helps to create a feeling of authenticity. However, from a selfish point of view I would like there to have been some sort of major incident (other than him nearly missing a train!), so that each part could be read and enjoyed in isolation. Perhaps you could have slipped in a spicy romantic interlude, as requested by our leaders, then you could have killed two birds with one stone.

 

It strikes me as being more akin to excerpts from a novel rather than an extended short story, which is fine by me. I am enjoying it and will look forward to the next instalment.

 

Cheers

 

Hello Ron,

 

Thanks for your comments.

 

Regarding your suggestion about a spicy romantic interlude, I did have something like it in the draft. You will recall that in the latest version, I had the storyteller nearly miss the train at the summit because he had been admiring the view.

 

In the earlier draft, I had him find a letter (the second one he had received at the Ministerio the day before) in the pocket of his parka when he left the train at the summit. It looked like a business letter on the outside but it was from Pilar. My intention was for him to be so engrossed in reading it that he nearly missed the train.

 

I spent a lot of time trying to make the letter really steamy without being pornographic but in the end I gave up and wrote it out. (Remember Mantaspook warned me about making the story teller a serial adulterer.) That's one of the reasons why Part 2 was so late in coming.

 

Incidentally, the incident about nearly missing the train was true. But it was in late summer, not winter and I didn't need the oxygen, although it was offered.

 

Regards

[coyleys]

Nice one Falls

I am going to leave my comments till part 3 is submitted. On the final part; it may be an idea to submit as a whole.

Cracking story up to press.

[Falls]

Nice one Falls

I am going to leave my comments till part 3 is submitted. On the final part; it may be an idea to submit as a whole.

Cracking story up to press.

 

Hi,

 

After all the trials and tribulations I've had with this project, I'd already decide to rewrite the whole thing as one story. Not quite another "War and Peace" but getting there.

 

It should be coming in the next week, if my medical adviser's don't intervene in the meantime. I've been hunched over this computer for weeks working on this and a few other projects and can now do a passable imitation of "The Hunchback of Notre Dame".

 

Regards

[Tallyman]

Hi Falls

 

As you're going to rewrite it as one piece, I'll save most of my comments until then - even though I've just been through it and made extensive notes (drat and double drat!).

 

However, you may find these two points useful as you engage in the rewrite:

 

1. Edit, edit, edit

Once you've written your story, go back and find ways to make it shorter. Cut out anything that doesn't add to, illuminate or move the story forward. One thing I've learnt, and that's been impressed on me again recently, is that there is no room for surplus characters. What's Pilar's child doing, for instance? There seems to be no reason for him being there; he doesn't add to the story, unless you're thinking of a crucial role for him later on? Everything in the story has to pay its way – no room for passengers! I get the feeling that you're using bits of your (very interesting and exotic) personal experience to colour your story but, when you do that, stop to make sure that you're not putting characters in there just because they were attached to the true story – adapt the true experience to fit your fiction.

 

2. Punctuation

It's happened too regularly to be a typo, so may I address your use of punctuation, especially the semi-colon [;] and colon [:]...

 

Your use of punctuation is sometimes affecting the flow of your story, so could I suggest this:

 

When you're writing, think of punctuation as a guide to someone who's reading your story out loud. A full stop [.] is a pause, a change of subject. A comma [,] is a pause for breath in the middle of a sentence. Use these two as your main punctuation marks. A semi-colon [;] marks the join of one sentence with another that's too closely connected to be separated by a full stop. A colon [:] is usually a sign that what follows is a list, or a further explanation of what's gone before. A bit simplistic, but it's worth getting the basics right.

 

So, if you put a semi-colon in the middle of a sentence, it has the effect of making the reader stop suddenly in mid flow – as if a runner had turned the corner and met a brick wall. This interrupts the smooth flow of the narrative, and makes it jerky (and not the beef kind either!).

 

Compare:

 

The smartly dressed gentleman; throwing his cape about his shoulders: hurled himself into the windy street; intent on finding lodgings.

 

with

 

The smartly dressed gentleman, throwing his cape about his shoulders, hurled himself into the windy street, intent on finding lodgings.

 

Best of luck with the rewrite - your stories are always so interesting, it's often easy to overlook the stylistic details, so I hope you don't mind me highlighting a few suggestions!

[coyleys]

Falls, just to back up Tally’s comments, this book is my constant companion...

 

http://www.amazon.co.uk/Penguin-Writers-Manual-Reference-Books/dp/0140514899/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1234831112&sr=8-1

 

I know what you’re going to say “Not done thee much good, az it”