Kaimani Posted February 19, 2009 Share Posted February 19, 2009 hey guys. been a while. good to see the forum still going strong. been working on re-writes for a book i've been writing. general consensus is that there's not enough going on at the begining to, i believe the technical term is, grab the reader. see what you think. be as brutal as you want. the piece is a little on the long side so i'll understand those that only read a word and give up. that being part of the test, i guess. again, good to be back. http://sheffieldwriters.ath.cx/SFStoryArchive/1235057609.rtf Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
coyleys Posted February 19, 2009 Share Posted February 19, 2009 Hey up Kaimani, nice to see you back, mate. I thought you may have left us for a better place. Anyway, I have downloaded your writing; I will have a read tonight, you say it is a little on the long side. I’m confused; it only has a word count of 3’583. I take it from that, it is a synopsis. I’ll have a read and get back to you. Once again, nice to have you back, mate. -------------------some hours later-------------- Well I have now read it. I’m sorry mate, I struggled to finish it. There was very little narrative, to many unnecessary cliché’s and confusing statements (well for me that is). It was like a giant collection of philosophies. One of your biggest problems is ‘the comma’. For me, trying to link your statements to the narrative was confusing enough, and then you occasionally left the comma out... (A man gasping his last clutches his chest.) It interrupts the flow and one has to concentrate more, Funny enough, I pick up on these in other people’s writings but not my own, you need a proof reader. Also there were a few dropped words and wrong spellings... (And if you not going to help me)- ( Truer is his legs refuse to move.) These may seem trivial, but I point this out, only because you said, you had sent this off to a publisher. When it gets to that point, your work should be near-on word perfect, I am sure you have viewed Peacock Lady’s site... http://howpublishingreallyworks.blogspot.com/search/label/editing Sorry to burst your bubble on this one Kaimani, but keep in mind, I am still sat in the classroom with you, and no one is more guiltier of typos than I. Are we still pals? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ron Blanco Posted February 19, 2009 Share Posted February 19, 2009 Hi Kaimani, I'm very happy to read your 3500+ word story. All I ask in return is that you brutally assess my own offering from last month which was called The Intruder. It is a mere 1000-odd words, so you might like to read it 3 times in order to feel that there is no robbery. A fair deal you think??? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
scribe Posted February 19, 2009 Share Posted February 19, 2009 I really got bored with it.To much dramatics for me sorry. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kaimani Posted February 20, 2009 Author Share Posted February 20, 2009 thanks for the feedback. will get back to the it. main problem, i think, is cutting out stuff. it was three hundred pages at the begining. now down to to 187. running out of stuff to cut without 'losing it all'. could be the needed thing is to find a whole new and diffent way of putting it all across. did the ' other voice' thing mostly as a gimmick to show what's going on in the guy's head as i'm aware not much happens action and things wise in the book. but guess this just served to make it all worse. will look into that. coyleys, did you feel the same? and will work on the dramatics too, scribe;-). still friends, C. rob, will read your stuff and get back to you by end of day or tomorrow morning. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ron Blanco Posted February 21, 2009 Share Posted February 21, 2009 rob, will read your stuff and get back to you by end of day or tomorrow morning. I see Kaimani. Still no comments on my story? Well I've gone ahead and read yours anyway. I never was very good at negotiating. I think your story is poetic. Also, although it is quite a challenging style for the reader, I didn't find it a problem to read, in fact I think I liked it. Yes, that's right - I'm not even sure if I liked it, nor am I sure if I could read a whole novel in that style. It has quite an anxious, earnest feel to it, which also makes it an uneasy read. But of course most booker prize winners are hard work too. The sections in italics glide along nicely, although sometimes they are a little long. I wonder if the rhythm of the piece would benefit from having those sections of roughly equal length? The paragraph about the families going to camp was a little sneery, I thought. A bit unnecessary? The use of "asshole" and "buddy" seemed a bit american. Perhaps replace with "pratt" and "mate/pal"? And as Coyleys pointed out, the missing commas sometimes upset the flow. So, although I'm not sure if I liked it, I would say it has potential. Really interesting stuff, Kaimani. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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