The Lover - short story - February 09

[Ron Blanco]

Here's my short story contribution for February

 

The Lover.

 

I'd really appreciate your feedback and suggestions on how to improve it.

[Mantaspook]

Hi Ron,

 

First of all, well done for attempting the more difficult ‘no dialogue’ option for this month’s theme.

 

I must admit I had a few problems comprehending the story; it took three readings before I finally understood what was going on, some of the writing was very good but it didn’t seem to be presented in a logical sequence.

 

Your sequence went like this:

 

1. Narrator laments father’s death, introduction of the wheelchair.

2. Description of landscape, we know narrator is moving.

3. Musing about the rabbits, the reader learns the narrator is female.

4. She expresses doubts; we learn she is on a train.

5. She overcomes her doubts about his motives and decides to proceed.

6. We learn she is disfigured and she is usually shunned.

7. Train pulls into station, she sees new boyfriend, and he is in a wheelchair, She resolves to get off the train and to love him.

 

 

When I got to the end I was unsure if her father was still alive and waiting for her on the platform, perhaps, earlier, she imagined what life would be like after he has passed away?

 

On the second read through I understood it was the new boyfriend, instead of a joyful realisation that she has a partner the moment is a little flat, it’s poignant and sad, the reader is left wondering if she is afraid to ‘enjoy her freedom’ and instead she has sought a father figure, someone to look after to give her life meaning?

 

My sequence would go like this:

 

1. Description of the passing countryside.

2. We learn the narrator is female and on a train.

3. Reflect on her past life, how hard it was to look after her father in his wheelchair.

4. Introduce ticket collector who is repulsed by her appearance, she shrugs it off as she’s used to this reaction.

5. Mention she is going to visit her boyfriend, as she catches sight of her reflection in the glass window her doubts surface.

6. She considers staying on the train and hiding.

7. The train pulls into the station, she observes the boyfriend in his wheelchair, noble and proud, like her father, is she doing this for the right reasons?

8. He spots her and his face lights up, he is genuinely pleased to see her (in contrast to the ticket collector’s reaction) - her doubts vanish, as she looks at him through the glass her reflection is transformed, no longer the disfigured girl, she is smiling, radiantly beautiful, at ease.

 

There, dead easy. Mills & Boon eat your heart out. (cough!)

 

Elements that I would consider deleting are

(a) The bell ringing.

(b) ‘Blind old Mr Johnson.’

© The names of the railway stations and

(d) The narrators name.

 

The main reasons being that the bell ringing isn’t used later in the story (although it does imply a certain religious geekiness which adds to her character) likewise Mr J, he doesn’t add much to the story.

 

Deleting the names would give the story a more ‘everyman’ approach, the story could be set anywhere in the world, it’s the (universal) love story that transcends the geography.

 

Two phrases that I didn’t like were “It’s stupid, humiliating, degrading” and the “nasty man” comment, they imply a cynical aspect to the narrator’s character which doesn’t deem right, this contrasts with the patient, selfless, naïve virgin that the rest of the story covers, does the ‘cynical’ elements make her character more rounded or does it detract and make the reader less sympathetic with the character?

 

The description of the landscape was very good indeed, I really liked this:

 

Ah, but see the wonderful view. Look at the beautiful landscape. So white. So bright. Beautiful but blinding. Perfect round sun. Clear blue sky. Glistening fields of snow, slowly passing by. Dimpled white fluff absorbing all life. Nature’s colours concealed beneath a snowy sheet. A warmth and life restrained by a cool, even cover. Life that is frozen, preserved, dormant.

 

Coming just after her ’15 years of servitude’ speech, the reader can spot the connection about her coming out of her shell at last, I think this would also work before this speech, so that’s where I would place it in my story sequence.

 

Your last line is OK, slight negative connotations though: “I will love him to death.” – can it be improved?

 

I look forward to seeing the other writers' comments and hope that they leave you some useful feedback, then they can try the following exercise, if they want to.

 

A challenge for everyone.

 

Re-write the last scene as per section 8 above.

[Ron Blanco]

Hi Mantaspook,

 

Thank you for your most useful comments.

 

I wanted the story to unravel slowly, but I didn't intend for you to have to read it three times to get it. Sorry about that. I will consider a re-working based on your sequence, but I would like to know what others thought, in order to get a consensus.

 

I loved your idea of her seeing her reflection - that would seamlessly lead into her considering her looks. Genius, Mr M. Perhaps she could be looking through the window and then the train enters a tunnel leaving her staring at her reflection. I like it.

 

There were several reasons for the bell ringing and her name, but they remain secrets for now. I agree with your comments about the place names, though I thought it might appeal to anyone who has travelled the Sheffield-Norwich route as I have. I also liked the idea of a non-descript place like Peterborough being the site of great romance for these two people.

 

The cynical side of her character was intentional. She's a 'lover', but she's no angel.

 

I also agree with you that the ending/last line could be improved and I hope someone rises to the challenge you have set. Having said that, I wouldn't want it to be a purely happy ending. That wasn't the intention.

 

Thanks again, I appreciate your help.

[coyleys]

but I would like to know what others thought, in order to get a consensus.

 

Sorry Ron, not got there yet, I’ve had a quick read. ‘Looks good’ but I will have an in-depth read on Sun, not even had time to look at Falls’s finished piece yet.

[Ron Blanco]

I will have an in-depth read on Sun,

 

Thanks Mr C. Likewise, I have been savouring the anticipation of reading "Murder at the Gas Works" and "Shining Path Revisited" this weekend. Cheers

[Tallyman]

Ron

 

Mantaspook has provided a comprehensive critique with, as usual, excellent advice and commentary, which I wouldn't even attempt to match.

 

In the spirit of debate, though, can I just add my own take on the story as a whole and how it came across to me:

 

Even though it was disjointed, and the order was unusual, I did manage to understand it on first reading. I felt the haphazard nature of the narrative reflected Esme's own confused trail of thought, flitting from one thing to another, so I didn't feel as uncomfortable with it as Mantas did.

 

In that confused, meandering state, I can see how random thoughts might come to mind, like a fast moving slideshow; If it were a film, I'd have the feeling of a close-up of Esme intercut with a fast-moving montage of characters like Mr Johnson and bellringers, distorted in a fish-eye lens as though reflected in the back of a dessert spoon, their one-line comments echoing round her ears...

 

I thought you gave a good impression of her indecision, not knowing whether to hide at the station and pass through or to get off and meet this man. I also got a sense of her insecurity, the idea that he couldn't possibly be interested in someone like her.

 

And finally, I did like the last line. I thought it added a wonderfully sinister side to her character. And then I started thinking about what did actually happen to her father...

 

As I said, Mantas has given you some excellent advice and got down to some useful details. My comments are just based on an overall impression, but I hope they help!

[Kaimani]

can't give any more a critique than already so well done.

only read two of your pieces so far, rob, but am already liking the way you create these quite vivid yet strange people. eccentrics, outcast almost, yet all more or less fine with their lot.

neat tricks.

a woman who immobilises an attacker with a dart she got from, south america, was it. a scarred librarian called esme. who likes church bells.

love it. looking forward to more of your weird and wonderful characters

[sauerkraut]

Hi Ron

 

I’m trying to catch up on my reading (sorry for the neglect everyone) and this story is a great re-introduction. There are some super images in there: I particularly liked the descriptions of the snow.

 

I also liked the structure, and the way the story went full circle (scuse the pun) from one wheelchair to another. Many congrats on rising to the challenge BTW – I think we’re even now! I agree with Tallyman that the “disjointed” approach reflected the character’s distrait thoughts. I was slightly thrown by her thinking the bellringing event would be “fun”: somehow that particular word struck me as one your character would be unlikely to use. Perhaps because for a moment it made her sound too normal?

 

For me, the use of Mr Johnson was quite a clever touch as it packed in so much so concisely: where Esme worked; her disfigurement; the pointer that there was another side to her character (obviously pleasant to Mr J when he comes into the library but actually thinking him an old fool). And to put in my two penn'orth, just to be awkward, I would actually be cautious about using her reflection to tell us about her appearance. It strikes me as a bit too much of a rather obvious “device” whereas the Mr Johnson thing is (to my mind) more subtle.

 

I certainly felt the story had sinister undertones and again I’m with Tallyman that the ending had me wondering what exactly might have happened to poor old Dad. [Perhaps I’d better not attempt an alternative ending as my imagination is already coming up with images of Dad, the new lover, and Jane’s mother Rita (from my story) careering down the M1 in a race to the death…]

 

I think for my own satisfaction I’d like to have had a few things spelt out a bit more – not quite so much left open to speculation. For instance I found myself wondering why she had to travel to meet her lover. Where did she meet him in the first place? Were they not from the same town? They neither of them sounded like people who would usually travel much. Possibly a bellringing connection? For me – and it’s purely a personal view – wondering about things like that distracted me, to a certain extent, from the deeper questions the story was raising. I hope that makes some kind of sense!

 

That’s probably just nitpicking, though, and overall I really enjoyed reading this. Thanks, RB

[coyleys]

Nice one Ron, I seriously think you are a secret romantic at heart. The fiery passion, that burns in your loins, like a caged lion ready to escape. Dread the thought, and God help Sheffield if it ever did.

Seriously though, nicely wrote, a great effort, but I think your “The Intruder” seemed to flow better, probably because I had to think about this one. (Thinking is not my forte, these days) Anyway, great stuff, I await the sequel.

 

Btw, I take it Esme was the name of the lady?

…………………..

As commanded by our glorious leader, here is my attempt at your last paragraph.

 

http://sheffieldwriters.ath.cx/SFStoryArchive/1236030692.doc

 

There is a little surprise for Tally.

[Ron Blanco]

I think for my own satisfaction I’d like to have had a few things spelt out a bit more – not quite so much left open to speculation. For instance I found myself wondering why she had to travel to meet her lover. Where did she meet him in the first place? Were they not from the same town? They neither of them sounded like people who would usually travel much. Possibly a bellringing connection?

 

Hi SK. Good to hear from you again. Hope you've had a nice break. Looks like Mr Johnson gets to stay after all.

 

In retrospect, I think I should have put one or two more things in there. Lazy editing I think. They had actually met on Platform 4 at Peterborough station exactly one week before. She'd been to the handsome Cathedral there on a visit connected to bell ringing. He, on the other hand, had no aptitude for bell ringing and had simply been visiting a sick relative. As they waited on the platform he struck up a conversation and just as her train arrived asked her to meet him, same time, same place, exactly one week later - which happened to be Valentine's day. She had not had time to reply at the time, so he was pretty lucky she turned up in the end... or was he???

 

 

Also, Coyleys, that was a very romantic, yet comic, ending you suggested. Several big laughs in there too Very entertaining. And yes Esme was the lady - short for Esmeralda in this case. Cheers