Heckmondwike

[Sir_Nigel]

If you want to go to Heckmondwike

- said a bloke I know called Mike

you’ll have to go on your bike.

‘cos there’s a concrete mixer overturned on the A62.

 

Better still, I quipped,

Don’t go to Heckmondwike

At all

Cos it’s rubbish.

 

 

He froze, looking wounded and pensive.

Then got a little defensive,

‘It’s alright is Heckmondwike’

said the wrinkle-browed Mike,

‘it’s sort of quiet but friendly-like.’

 

Though I think he comes from Scholes

Where the biddies all play bowls

And I’ve heard him moan the shops have shut

And they’re overrun with Poles.

 

‘There are places’, he states, ‘much worse’

(for it’s the centre of his universe)

For there he meets like-minded friends with a certain predilection:

they talk, at length, of aliens and of classic science fiction.

But it isn’t only Mr Spock, and UFOs and Yoda,

Mike knows this low-cost back street guy

who services his Skoda.

He tells me of the Rutland Arms, the Swan and Bag o’ Nails.

He weighs up all their hot meat pies and classifies their ales.

He knows a cracking Indian too

if you like an eye-watering vindaloo.

And a guy who’s possibly Vietnamese

Who’ll flog you knock off DVDs.

 

I reconsider my flippant slur

Not even sure what my dislikes were.

Possibly I would like it more

if I too worked in a superstore

and I spent my wind-blown working days

collecting trolleys from holding bays.

And if I had no kids or loving wife

it might give me all I want from life.

 

Though I‘d never sincerely recommend

this destination to a friend

you may find that you, like Mike,

quite like

Heckmondwike

Its facilities impressive

to the harmlessly obsessive.

And your spirits may be lifted

once that concrete truck’s been shifted.

[pattricia]

I did enjoy this poem.

[Mantaspook]

Loved the poem, Sir_Nigel!

 

Does anyone remember an episode of ‘Calandar’ from a few years ago? The wife and I watched in boggle eyed amazement as their outside broadcast unit went live to a ‘cat stuck up a tree’ rescue LIVE from Heckmondwike – interviews with the firemen, worried looking RSPCA officers, the distraught owners…(“How much is this costing!”)

 

When it’s a ‘slow news day’ and they’re scraping the barrel for stories we shout “Not another flippin’ cat up a tree in Heckmondwike ”

 

For more information see: Hecky – the Knowwhere guide

 

One day, I’m going to drive through there at 30MPH, it’s the safest way.

 

Who knows, I may even be on the news.